1. When being chased up the street by a vicious wild boar, stop and mist his snout with lavender, which has calming properties.
2. If the wild boar rips your hand open, hold it in the freezer overnight to kill the bacteria and prevent gangrene. If it’s too late, grasping a bag of coffee grounds will eliminate the odor.
3. A leaking Superfund toxic waste site under your house can be an unhealthy hassle. Try white vinegar. On top of being a multipurpose household cleanser, respected medical studies by fake doctors show white vinegar can control blood glucose levels, help with allergies, reduce acid reflux and heartburn, prevent bacterial, viral and yeast infections, and even inhibit tumor growth and ward off cancer.
4. Everyone loves ketchup. If you go to fancy restaurants or dinner parties but are embarrassed to ask for ketchup, stop at Burger King along the way and stuff a fistful of free Heinz packets in your purse or coat pocket. When at dinner, excuse yourself and take your meal into the washroom to apply the ketchup if you’re ashamed to do it at the table.
5. If you’re one of the few people who needs exercise, but you find it hard to drag yourself to the gym, simply go to the zoo and ask to borrow their vicious wild boar and have it chase you up the street.
6. You despise the mainstream media and its liberal fake news, especially CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS and NPR. Try this helpful tip, Einstein: Turn it off.
7. The only thing you despise more than the mainstream media is Hillary Clinton because of all her scandals. But a friend points out the only reason you know about these “scandals” is because the mainstream media broke and dogged the stories. You ignore the point, say politics bore you, and change the subject.
8. To fold a fitted bed sheet, quickly remove it from the dryer, hold it from one end, shake it vigorously a few times, grasp the curved corners, wad up the sheet and stuff it into the linen closet. Leaving it in the dryer for two months until you change the bed again also works.
9. Winning a U.S. presidential election fair and square can be expensive, exhausting and time-consuming. Instead of running on a unifying platform of peace, prosperity and progress, have your campaign associates hire Russian computer experts to hack and mine social media and whip up enough fake news and hate about your opponent that you seem the lesser of two evils.
10.If you’re at brunch with good friends and they start going on and on about TV shows you’ve never seen, wait for a pause in the conversation and mention that the Caesar salad you brought that everyone loves is made of bagged romaine on the E. coli recall list.
11.One morning you’re surprised to learn from the media that the president has nominated you to head a major federal agency, but you have more skeletons in the closet than qualifications. You beg the White House chief of staff to beg the president to change his mind and call the announcement “fake news”. “Don’t worry,” chief of staff says, “We’ve got your back.” You slowly twist in the wind for three news cycles as your party’s own Senators raise questions until your nomination finally is withdrawn. Next step: Appear regularly on Fox as a “political contributor” or “on-air personality”.
12.You love life hacks but your wife threatens divorce because your mounting collection of alligator clips, empty toilet tissue rolls and plastic bottles, bread bag clips, soda can tabs, jugs of white vinegar and other indispensable life-hack items has turned your home into an episode of the A&E show Hoarders. You say “calm down, honey” and spritz her with lavender. Voila! You get to find a new home and start hacking your new life.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer