20 reasons to work for yourself
Your boss might be an idiot, but …
As chairman of the board, CEO, CFO, chief operating officer, chief marketing and communications officer and sole employee of Limited Liability Corp., I’ve learned plenty about running a successful global enterprise from a converted basement mop closet.
While my widely acclaimed, sector-disrupting firm hasn’t been profiled in Forbes, Fortune, The Wall Street Journal or Wharton case studies about business strategies to avoid (yet), my experience could help future corporate titans fulfill their dreams of working at home alone:
1.Your Comcast Xfinity internet goes out more than you do.
That’s ok. You don’t really want to go out anyway. On a related note:
2. Your crippling agoraphobia is now a success factor.
3. You save $400 a month on food.
Eating at home and not buying Starbucks drinks, breakfast wraps and enormous sandwiches with chips for lunch helps pay the mortgage on your home with the basement mop closet global corporate HQ.
4. You don’t need to eat lunch at noon sharp.
Unlike with an office job, you don’t watch the clock desperate for any break from the insufferable tedium.
5.Your laundry is caught up.
No, not just because you have time to do a wash while “working.”
Mostly because you can wear the same comfortable yet body-flattering athleisure outfit several days in a row.
Think of the money you save on dry cleaning uncomfortable office clothing!
6. You don’t mind if Comcast can’t be more specific when it’s coming to fix your Xfinity internet.
Comcast can be there either between 8 a.m. and 11 a.m., or 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. Who cares? You’re home all day and looking forward to any human contact even if the Comcast guy is more redolent of Roquefort than you are.
7. On conference calls, participants are used to hearing your dogs barking in the background.
Or the leaf blowers outside your windows. Or the Comcast repairman downstairs calling tech support because he has no idea why your Xfinity internet keeps going out.
8. You can delight in complaining about all the seniors at the grocery store getting in your way when you stop by there at 2 pm on a Tuesday.
9. You’re also delighted to learn your retired neighbors’ first names, life stories and many medical issues.
10.You don’t thank god it’s Friday.
Or hate Mondays. Or groan about Wednesday “hump day.” You have no idea what day of the week it might be.
11.You save another $400 a month on personal grooming.
Much of the savings comes from not buying Gillette Men’s 8 Fusion ProShield razor blade cartridges. Or if you’re a woman, Gillette Venus Swirl Contour blade cartridges. (“Venus Swirl”?)
Working at home, superficial things like how you look or smell doesn’t matter so much. You’re officially French. Mais oui!
12.Noon is happy hour somewhere — why not now?
Germans drink beer, Italians drink wine and Russians drink vodka starting at breakfast. As a worker from home, why can’t you?
As your boss, you don’t need to explain the splash of Sambuca in your morning coffee your body craves for health reasons to get your day started the right way.
13.Your blood pressure has spiked and you’re hoarse from yelling because you have Fox, CNN or MSNBC on all day.
Unless your Comcast Xfinity is out again.
14.It’s a thrilling break in your day when your U.S. Postal Service carrier slips your mail into your mailbox.
That might sound naughty if you’re naughty. You don’t mean it to. Just because you find her compelling in an adult way and hope she rings twice, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Ahem. Excuse me. Most of all, you welcome getting mail. Especially on very special days when client checks finally arrive and exceed your overdue monthly notice from Comcast for your “Xfinity bundle deal with best in-home wifi.”
15.You love going to the gym.
Not just because you love the feeling of crunches that hurt your lumbago so you don’t do them. Going to the gym gives you a reason to leave your mop-closet executive suite.
Plus you get to socialize with gym “friends” who are there trudging on the treadmill fighting osteoporosis before they head to the grocery store and get in your way.
16.Your family and friends wonder what you do all day.
So does your mate, if you have one anymore.
Maybe not because you don’t appreciate the incessant questioning that comes with having a mate.
17.You never have to sit in endless back-to-back meetings.
Or make sure your presence is noticed by slowly and loudly re-articulating points already made, or stealing brilliant ideas expressed by leaning-in female colleagues and then mansplaining their ideas back to them and the room to get credit and preen.
18.Related to #17, you don’t sit in meetings texting the emoji of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” to anyone who knows or cares that it’s an existential cry for help and you really mean it.
Working from home generally entails less time slowly dying inside from living a life that is utterly meaningless and wasted. And more time playing Pokémon Quest on your phone while sitting on the can until your feet go numb.
19. You don’t have to deal with the annual HR performance assessment process.
I.e., powerfully lying through teeth, leveraging protected group status, and dealing with the bewildering HR software that “sets you free to do good work,” which was purchased by the HR “director of employee engagement” or “people champion” from a vendor that can’t explain or support it.
20. You don’t have to worry about your annual bonus or stock options.
It takes a big load off your mind to know that even if you vastly exceeded expectations, your extra performance comp is going to be zero.
Unlike those office drones, your bonus is having plenty of time to get your laundry done while you wait for the Comcast guy.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer