A MAGA Apology to America
Not our fault
Jeffrey Denny
Dear America:
We’re the best patriots. We love our country — the greatest country in the history of the world — with all our hearts. More than anyone, certainly more than the deranged, Soros-funded radical left-wing lunatics.
We wave the flag proudly. We declare the Pledge of Allegiance and sing the National Anthem loudly, we don’t care who we annoy. We believe in America First, love it or leave it. We’re inspired by God, who blessed America more than any other country. We get angry when other countries screw America.
We would never do anything to hurt America. Not on purpose. We only want to Make America Even Greater Again.
So we hope you can find it in your Christian hearts, thoughts, and prayers to forgive our trespasses against America, as we forgive the liberal trespasses against America.
The internet says there’s a right way to apologize like you mean it. So we’re taking our best shot:
Acknowledging the offense
Every terrible thing people think President Trump is doing to America, he’s doing for us. From destroying our healthy economy, retirement savings, democracy, historic alliances, national security, and global leadership as a shining light to humanity, to making it ok to hate any American who’s not like us. We never dared to dream we would control America just by hating our fellow Americans.
Special regrets for innocent people being punished by government authorities, whom we usually hate, and without due process, for saying things that hurt our feelings, while we demand the freedom to say things that hurt other people’s feelings.
Self-awareness is painful. So is self-mocking, reflecting how all humans, including us, are ridiculous. Irony is an elite liberal construct. We prefer bitter sarcasm that punches down. This is why we’ve hated “Saturday Night Live” since “Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger.”
Taking responsibility
Maybe Trump is our fault. Except that wealthy elites, from the Republican Party leaders to Fox News to Trump himself, used and abused us for power and money. We’re the victims here, and as the liberals say, it’s wrong to blame the victims.
How were we supposed to know we were being fooled? We don’t have fancy college educations that teach critical thinking and how dictators rise to power by using real people like us, and eventually turn on us. We were indoctrinated to believe colleges were indoctrinating our children to hate America.
So we didn’t understand that if something seems too good to be true, like Trump promises, it probably is. All we know is what our media says that confirms our beliefs by reporting the only real trusted truth because it says so.
Owning actions and not shifting blame
We adored Trump. We believed him and believed in him. He pledged to be our revenge and retribution against everyone who did whatever they did to us, by which he meant himself as our savior.
We made him, egged him on, and rallied for him. We love a powerful bully. We thought he was entertaining, especially when he attacked our fellow Americans we hate, even if they never did anything wrong to us that we can point out specifically without repeating Trump propaganda.
In fact, we hate DEI only because it’s racist. Like MLK said, we judge people only by the content of their character, like Trump. We’re so colorblind we blow right through red lights. We also support affirmative action by demanding that colleges hire more white conservative professors to teach our children that white privilege is God’s will.
Expressing remorse
We’re “deeply sorry” we made Trump our hero, cheered and goaded his worst behavior, and became useful fools for oligarchs and enemies of America from the White House to Moscow.
We mean this with all our hearts when we say that mistakes were made.
We regret not caring but loving that Trump is a lying, cheating, raping, treasonous convicted felon who committed seditious high crimes and misdemeanors against America.
If any Democrat did what Trump has done, we’d flood the streets with tiki torches and AR-15s, and break social media with summons for a bigger, badder, more violent and deadly J6, this time at the White House. We’d drag that Enemy of the People out into the street, resurrect the J6 gallows, and string him up while chanting “Ding Dong the Democrat’s Dead.” Especially if the Democrat didn’t identify as a straight white Christian man.
But isn’t everyone a hypocrite? Don’t the college-indoctrinated say a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds?
We “feel bad” that we were more outraged by Hunter Biden, pronouns, wokeness, Gaza protests, and the government protections and handouts we depend on more than anyone. We’re ashamed that we were fooled by the Trump propaganda machine that fed us lies we wanted to believe.
Offering to make amends
We pledge to be mindful that everything Trump says is a lie that only fools believe, as he believes we’re fools.
We’ll also address our Trump media outrage addiction and how, like fentanyl dealers, our media is feeding our addiction for money.
From now on, we’ll vote against resentment, retribution, hate, negativity, and hurting our fellow Americans.
Asking for forgiveness
We’re giving the country we wronged the chance to forgive us. Instead of just saying, “I’m sorry,” we’re being specific, saying, “I’m sorry you think we destroyed the country by supporting Trump.
Avoiding making promises we can’t keep
We promise not to follow another billionaire populist fascist authoritarian would-be dictator who will take America down and back to when white men ruled the Earth. Unless, of course, he wins an unlimited term election to rule forever.
Following through
We’re taking concrete steps to right our wrongs. Or maybe wooden steps. ROTFLMAO!!!! Oh, snap! Gotcha libs! Like Trump, MAGAs never apologize.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
