A three-bucket theory about Trump ‘47
The good, bad and the fugly
Jeffrey Denny
“When life gives you lemons, keep them because — hey! — free lemons,” a comedian quipped.
It’s hard for millions of Americans to make lemonade from Donald Trump’s return to even sourer power. But with my sunnily dark disposition like an Edward Hopper painting, I tell myself things could be a lot worse. Like being Clockwork Oranged to watch “Friends” bloopers.
It’s not as if Trump thought Hitler did some good things. For instance, Führer ‘34 made the swastika and creepy little “toothbrush” stache wholly verboten except on Truth Social and now, Facebook and X.
To soothe myself and others to pretend that everything will be ok, I’m anticipating the upcoming four years through the lens of Trump picks to lead his administration, searching for the good to outweigh the bad.
Some Trump cabinet nominees are good enough. Some are badly unqualified. And some make fugly look beautiful only to poor hapless Trump-suckered, Fox-sozzled MAGAs at uncivil war with their fellow Americans who aren’t real Americans like them.
Let’s explore each Trump cabinet bucket:
The Good Enough
Stipulate: Republican presidents will never appoint cabinet members who completely satisfy Democrats, and vice versa, mostly because they philosophically disagree on government and taxes. But even if they generally agree on policy goals, each side needs to find nits to interrogate.
American politics have always been more bipolar than bipartisan.
And forget progressive militants — they’ll always be triggered, terrified, and traumatized by either party’s picks. Even as they fight the power, the power pats the bunnies and ignores them.
With these gross caveats, former U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio for State, billionaire hedgy Scott Bessant for Treasury, North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum for Interior, Lori Chavez-DeRemer for Labor, Sean Duffy for Transportation, and a few sub-cabinet picks appear to be decent, reasonable, professional normies, even if you quibble on policy. Which is American, not a crisis.
Best yet, the Good Enough likely will resist doing anything stupid that will ruin their reputations and careers. Especially for Trump, who uses talent like dogs use airport pet relief areas. They know this.
The Badly Unqualified
Easy pickins’.
Starting with unindicted election denier liar lawyer Pam Bondi as Attorney General to fill the shoes of her legendary predecessors. She’ll certainly “independently” head Justice and “hold the president accountable” like I’ll watch “Friends” bloopers.
Consider also health-denier RFK, Jr., to head Health and Human Services bringing little health or human experience, and fake wrestling chief Linda McMahon to head Education to teach our children to separate fact from fiction.
And cherry on top, Fox bloviator Pete Hegseth to head the Pentagon because he leads a battalion of defense lawyers so well he should lead the most powerful military in the world. George C. Marshall must be rolling in his grave laughing. (Disclosure: I headed speechwriting for Clinton SecDefs Les Aspin, Bill Perry and Bill Cohen.)
The Fugly
Trump dodged another bullet when oleaginous creep Matt Gaetz withdrew as Attorney General pick because apparently, MAGAs hate pedophilia more than liberals do.
But MAGAs still believe slick smarmy Florida snake oilers as seen on bottom-feeder personal injury lawyer billboards. And they hate politicians except for the ones who fool them. So now we have “The Matt Gaetz Show” dividing America on One America News.
Other Trump Fuglies:
— Immigrant-hating puppy shooter Kristi Noem for Homeland Security;
— Weirdo Tulsi Gabbard as the oxymoronic Director of National Intelligence;
— Tom Homan as “border czar” to please MAGA bigots; and,
— TV “personality” and failed politician Dr. Mehmet Oz to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid to take away healthcare from Trump voters who need the most healthcare.
Unfortunately for Trump Fuglies, as history serves, true believers often find themselves Trump road kill, like Texas armadillos but with more legal bills, while he gets off scot-free.
Think about the countless poor saps ruined by plighting their troth with felonious Trump, from the sad Rudolph Giuliani, to his slick associates Bannon, Navarro, Cohen, Manafort, Papadopoulos, Stone, Gates and Weisselberg sent to prison, to craven flippers Powell, Chesebro and Hall, to the cop-beating J6 rioters he’ll pardon while claiming to stand for law and order.
In his first inaugural address in 1861, Lincoln famously called on Americans to heed the “better angels of our nature.” Let’s hope Trump’s cabinet can find and heed theirs, and resist his darkest demons. If not because it’s right, then because it’s good for their careers, legacies, families and — oh yeah — the nation.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.