“Toshi the black pug,” unsplash.com/@charlesdeluvio

Actually, Im not so smart

Setting manageable expectations

Jeffrey Denny

For most of my life I’ve tried mightily to seem smart.

I’ve pulled out the stops. Reading widely, thinking before speaking, considering different opinions, respecting proper spelling, grammar and syntax, even wearing thick glasses and non-GQ yet comfortable haberdashery littered with crumbs of healthy snacks (the greatest oxymoron ever).

It’s been a never-ending painful struggle and frankly, exhausting to keep up the daily charade for over half a century.

Worst of all, I’m not fooling anyone.

For instance, since I’m horrified by the epidemic of mass shootings, and like most Americans think we need sensible tighter gun laws, I’m called a stupid Democrat liberal.

Bless my heart. I’m only as God made me and doing the best I can. Please forgive that my weak mind was brainwashed by socialist college professors and their lying lamestream liberal media co-conspirators trying to take away our guns, Constitutional rights and freedom to destroy America.

So I give up and give in. From now on, I’m going to just be me and accept that I’m stupid. Probably too stupid to realize how stupendously stupid I am, but how would I know? Even pondering this question blew my tiny fragile mind.

But I’m just smart enough to realize and exploit the upside: Lowered expectations.

When I don’t know or I forget stuff, say dumb or insensitive things, wear my NFL jersey inside out to black-tie symphony, fetch the morning paper in my sleeping boxers, leave wet towels and fetid laundry moldering about, fail to reply to urgent email or texts, turn in bad work product, leave bills unpaid, ignore your presence or needs, can’t have a reasonable discussion, etc., well, excu-u-use me! Sorry! I’m stupid! Don’t demonize and victimize me!

Playing victim is the ultimate brilliant dodge. Bullies love to provoke and when they succeed and get an overpowering response, they throw the Charlie Brown card — why is everybody always picking on me?

Why shouldn’t I gaslight too?

What about personal pride, you might ask? At this point in life, even my feeble mind vaguely recalls that ancient philosophers said hubris leads to tragedy, and the Bible says pride goeth before a fall. I’ll tragically fall and break my hip soon enough, thank you.

If anyone gets the wrong impression that I have even a shred of intelligence, I like to set the record straight by uttering any of these 16 choice words and phrases:

1. Something “impacts” something when “impact” is not a verb.
2. “We need to map this out because it is so on point, but I’m open to additional mindshare. I will never be out of pocket for the hard work required to make this paradigm shift. If we peel back the onion, we all have it in our power alleys to hit this head on, generate quick wins, and pick the low hanging fruit. We’d even encourage scope creep as we sing from the same song sheet and socialize the plan across the corporate ecosystem about making this strategic pivot.” (See James Sudakow at inc.com for this and more killer business buzzwords to make you sound stupid.)
3. Its obvious your the one whose stupid. They’res no question. Boom their it is your owned.
4. YOLO, FOMO, BOGO, LOL, ROTFL, POTF, BRB, FWIW, HTH, IDK, IMHO, KWYM, OTOH, TIA, TTYL, WTG and other acronyms your expected to know if your kewl. Duh!
5. Did you see “The Bachelorette”?! OMG! Hannah and Tyler almost definitely boned! And then Tyler dated Gigi! OMFG!
6. “She’s like whatever” and “I’m like you know, whatever” and then she was like “WTF, LOL!” and I was like “troof, beeatch.”
7. Any white suburban middle-class or $80,000/year private college graduate misappropriation ruining AAVE (African-American Vernacular English) such as “bae,” “sista,” “bruh” “blood” “home” and “trap queen” from Fetty Wap.
8. Car-singing Mr. Wap: “And I get high with my baby/I just left the mall, I’m gettin’ fly with my baby, yeaaahhh/And I can ride with my baby/I be in the kitchen cookin’ pies with my baby, yeeaahhh.” And thinking “cookin’ pies” means baking a homemade gluten-free peach, apple, cherry or rhubarb, or microwaving Sam’s Choice Thin Crust Pepperoni.
9. I have my facts and you have yours.
10. I believe what I believe. It’s what my parents taught me growing up.
11. *Yawn*. The gun thing is all just politics.
12. I don’t trust the mainstream media. Except when it reports stuff against the corrupt Democrat liberals. I trust Fox which is #1 cable and tells the God’s troof about #2 MSNBC and #3 CNN but its not about competing for ad $$$.
13. Trump is the unpresidented greatest president ever. No smocking gun. No challenge is to great. He tweeted that Congress should come to an agreemnet to build his wall immediatly. He’s promoting lasting peach in the Middle East. Proper speling and grammer by the President of the United States is something only grandparents and stupid nit-picky coastal elite college-brainwashed liberals care about.
14. Trump doesn’t have a racist bone in his body. The liberals are racist for saying hes racist.
15. Trumps right as usual — its not guns, its the internet and video games that massacred those poor innocent people in Toledo. Heartfelt thoughts and prayers and sympathies and shock and sadness and heartbreak and deeply troubled grieving and mourning and standing with families and first responders against this evil. It’s not about guns. There’s no such thing as an “assault weapon.” Liberals are politicizing these tragedies to take away America’s gun rights and freedom from tyranny.
16. It doesn’t matter what Trump says. Its what Trump does. The Trump economy and no better healthcare plan and China trade war killing manufacturing jobs, Walmart low prices and retirement savings are making my life and America greater. His critics are haters. They need to respect him. He’s one of the greatest precedents ever.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.