Antifa’s complex relationship with soup
“And then they have cans of soup. And they throw the cans of soup. That’s better than a brick because you can’t throw a brick. It’s too heavy.” — President Donald J. Trump, July 31, 2020.
It’s all in the news that Antifa rates Campbell’s soup “mmm mmm good!” for beaning Boogaloo, Proud Boys and Patriot Prayer white supremacists inciting conflict at peaceful BLM protests so President Trump can frighten his base and be reelected.
Campbell’s certainly is better for fighting racism than the other leading canned soup, Progresso.
Beyond the fact that Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom can turn any tuna casserole into a $50 five-star Michelin chef’s special, the standard 10.75 oz. cans are the perfect size and heft for hurling at neo-Nazis.
Yes, Progresso has a better name for a liberal Socialist Marxist uprising (setting aside the hurtful Italian cultural appropriation). But the standard 19 oz. cans are too large for many of the smaller feminazis to get their hands around.
But I have some bones to pick with Antifa.
And not the literal kind you started to find in bubbe’s hearty chicken matzo ball soup as she got up in her years.
First, the strategy of fighting bigotry with bisque, code-named “Operation Soup To Nuts,” isn’t really working.
For instance, an estimated 100 percent of racists still believe that racism, including their own, is a liberal myth perpetuated to divide America. They argue that slavery was a long time ago, let it go, but don’t touch the Confederate statues.
Second, I would think that anarchists, looters, rioters and agitators would find Campbell’s a bit too capitalist and corporatist, not to mention salty, for their taste.
Campbell’s Soup Co. made $8 billion last year on the backs of the working class. The CEO took home almost $7 million, five million percent more than the average canner. Campbells is posting blowout 2020 financial results after cashing in on the Covid crisis that caused a surge in demand for chicken noodle, with net sales increasing 18 percent in the fourth quarter.
And get this: “Excluding items impacting comparability, adjusted gross margin increased 0.6 percentage points to 33.7 percent,” the company admitted.
Whatever that means, it’s shameful. By purchasing truckloads of soup to defend against self-appointed, unregulated militias in Army-Navy surplus cammo and bristling with military-grade weapons, Antifa is complicit in the capitalist subjugation of the proletariat.
Third, as they weaponize soup, some protesters are also hating on soup wherever they amass to loot and burn.
Take a look at these real YELP reviews of soup restaurants in Democrat cities that are in flames. The comments sound pretty Antifa-y:
· Portland Kettle, Portland, Ore.: “Gumbo — the most disappointing thing I ordered because it had waaaaay too much flour, which made it super thick and unappetizing.”
· Soup Depot, Kenosha, Wisc.: “The bowl of garden vegetable soup tasted to me like tomato juice and some of the vegetables were not even cooked in it as they were crunchy still.”
· Ramen Kazama, Minneapolis, Minn.: “They only gave me 2 pieces of pork; for $14, I thought I would get more meat …. this growing girl needs protein.”
· Zoup! Chicago, Ill.: “I’ve been here twice in the past week. Both times the soup has not been hot enough. Flavors are great, but today my bean soup had a bunch of beans that weren’t cooked all the way through.”
· Kounter Kulture, St. Louis, Mo.: “The Omu ramen was disappointing.”
Talk about soup Nazis! Pretty picky for anti-capitalists, I’d say.
As most patriotic Americans would agree, maybe Antifa should go live in the Communist countries they love so much, where you stand in line for a week for a cup of soup that’s cold pothole water with a dirty old broken shoelace for added color, texture and flavor.
In any event, as the long hot summer of 2020 turns into fall, if I were Antifa’s commander in chief, I’d order my troops to stop throwing soup and start stockpiling it. If Trump is reelected, it’ll be like in Game of Thrones: Winter is coming.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.