Are dogs driving the U.S. “Baby Bust”?

Hope so

Jeffrey Denny

Experts predict that America’s population will shrink to the level of countries where penguins rule by imposing tariffs on America.

Our new gens refuse to bring babies into a burning world and cause the world to burn even more with their giant widdle carbon footprints.

As we stop replacing ourselves, America’s “baby bust” reflects economic factors, social shifts, changes in women’s roles, helpless dads, and the narcissism epidemic traced to an experimental bioweapon virus that leaked from a secret Mar-A-Lago lab. Conservatives blame our “family-unfriendly” culture while they cause it by slashing family-friendly support.

Babies make it harder to get a Saturday brunch table. OpenTable isn’t so open for tables because it’s biased against screaming toddlers while their parents blithely ignore them. While they believe it takes a village to raise a child, parents don’t appreciate dirty looks from the village.

This explains why 80% of dog owners decided to forgo the joys of procreation because owning kids is much harder, a USA Today and OnePoll survey last year found.

Respondents cited career demands, financial considerations, time constraints, and convenience. But they didn’t mention other reasons we all know why dogs are better than children, especially when they grow up:

— Dogs don’t care if you say, “Mommy drinks because you bark at nothing.”

— Dogs won’t need therapy if you said, “Daddy’s going out for cigarettes and might never come back because your mom is a drunken bitch.”

— Dogs don’t mind eating the same food day after day, scooped from a 15 lb. bag costing about $30 for 60 servings. Fifty cents a serving is a better deal for families struggling with Trump Slump Stagflation than the $5 Chicken McNuggets® Happy Meal® kids love. And dogs never demand that you make something special for them, and then scream, “I hate this!” and throw it on the floor.

— In fact, you can tell dogs, “This is what’s for dinner, and if you don’t like it, you can go to bed hungry,” like parents said until Dr. Spock introduced coddling, which is why parents today are so messed up that their kids have to parent them.

— Dogs also don’t mind eating out of a bowl on the floor, which makes cleanup easy.

— Dogs attend to their basest needs, all of them, primarily outside. They don’t wreck a dinner host’s powder room.

— Dogs don’t care if you diagnose them as narcissistic pleasers to win your affection and treats.

— Dogs don’t care if you’re racist. Like if they’re a Labradoodle and you automatically assume they’re friendly, outgoing, and intelligent, they don’t call HR or try to cancel you. Or if a pit bull, you assume they’re living the thug life and might rip your throat out.

— Dogs aren’t offended by jokes about dogs and their moms. Like comedian Neal Brennan snorting at women who call themselves “dog moms.” For instance, “You know who else was a dog mom? That dog’s mom.”

— Dogs don’t mind — they like it — if men say to them in baby talk, “Are you my pretty girl?” Again, Neal Brennan.

— Dogs don’t care if PETA says you can’t call yourself their “master.” Dogs also don’t care if you call your main bedroom the “master bedroom” instead of “primary bedroom,” “owner’s suite,” or “main bedroom” to avoid offensive connotations associated with slavery.

— Dogs don’t care about pronouns, gender identity, or honoring their agency by holding space for them. Dogs tend to be apolitical. Unless they’re associated with a politician, like Corgis with British royalty, or Donald Trump raw-dogging a random woman in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room.

— Dogs don’t cost $400,000 to fall short of an Ivy degree in disrupting late-stage capitalism with a minor in indigenous intersectionality, ruin professors for inadvertently misgendering them, deplatform and demand protection against terrifying ideas that trigger trauma, or disrupt the campus for other students while believing they’re hero-martyrs for their chosen causes.

— Dogs, who need 12–14 hours of sleep per day and many naps in between, are woke not out of social awareness but mostly for fun and snacks. Like the Trumpmannschaften, aka, Trump Youth, aka, basement-dwelling incel gamers.

— Dogs don’t care if you got them from a shelter, foster, puppy mill, or horrifying Island of Dr. Moreau genetic science breeder engineering the perfect dog. Or if things go awry, breeds that should be put down for untreatable aggression, such as Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Or breeds that should be ended altogether to save the world from douches like Donald Trump Jr.

— Dogs don’t care if pet advocates declare they have the same Constitutional rights as people, even if they don’t speak English, aren’t from America, and can’t produce the right government papers to remain here. Labs, French bulldogs and poodles, Great Danes, German Shepherds, and other top breeds are from Europe, now an enemy of America.

— America indeed has to import immigrant dog breeds because we have few indigenous species other than #MeToo perps from Harvey Weinstein to the 45th and 47th president of the United States. Who, by the way, is the first president in 100 years — and only one of three — who doesn’t have a dog in the White House.

— Dogs don’t watch Fox and regurgitate Trump talking points. They chase fox and regurgitate fox poop when they eat it.

— Dogs don’t elect a raping convicted felon dictator wannabe who’s destroying the economy and nation, or poop on the Constitution. Dogs love freedom.

— Dogs don’t pretend not to regret their vote, but instead proudly and idiotically double down even when they or their friends, family, community, and other people are hurt by their bullheaded ignorance and fealty to a false god who’s destroying the nation on their behalf.

— Dogs care more about people than some people do.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.