Baby Bachelor
“To whom shall I give my binky?”
Jeffrey Denny
“Baby Bachelor,” from the producers of “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” and “Golden Bachelor,” is a new smash-hit reality dating game series every parent is talking about.
On this unscripted show, hosted by AI-generated Mister Rogers, one hopeless romantic infant is given a first chance at love in the search for a partner to share the sunrise years of life as they wean.
Episode guide:
S1 E1
Twenty-two perfect babies, ranging from 3–6 months, crawl into the spotlight in the hope of finding lasting love with the Baby Bachelor, Giggles “Bugaboo” Poopypants.
S1 E2
Giggles and the 22 babies go to his combined bris/baptism because dad is more Jewish than usual because of what’s going on, and mom is still Catholic despite being pro-choice.
Wiggling from the hubbub and attention, the babies have no idea what’s going on or why the adults are making this about themselves.
By 3 pm, Giggles gets fussy due to the traumatic experience of genital mutilation, plus someone’s a little hungry and — woof! — definitely needs changing.
S1 E3
A group date at Baby’s First Jazzercise class, and one-on-one time with two babies. They roll around and make goo-goo eyes and words at each other.
Giggles finally reveals their preferred gender, “ba-ba.”
Highly educated parents adopt infantile terms such as “yummy” and “tummy” into their professional and social lexicon.
They also load up on luxury baby gear not just for baby but to appear parent woke. The products have infantile names such as Snoogle, Bumbo, Woombie, Boppy, and UPPAbaby, the Cadillac Escalade of strollers that can stockpile enough supplies for baby to survive the MAGA apocalypse.
S1 E4
Giggles’s journey continues with an adventurous one-on-one. They try to stand up but fall down go boom. They laugh but parents call 9–11 in case boom causes anxiety.
A group date has the babies fwexing dere widdew biddie toesie-wosies.
Special guest stars Trista Sutter and Joey Graziadei, from the original reality series “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” appear. As in, they appear to have aged poorly yet retain their unnatural showbiz veneer and grinning rictus that frightened Giggles into the most explosive diaper load since Donald Trump.
S1 E5
With only three binkies remaining and nappytime on the near horizon, Giggles must make their toughest decision yet.
The final six babies face the possibility that their fairy tale may not have the happy ending that’s promised in the first books read to them.
For instance, in “Goodnight Moon,” a Deep State bunny grooms babies to be liberal by observing reality such as clocks, socks, mittens and kittens instead of Fox News.
This is why the winners on another hit reality show, “America’s Greatest Christian MAGA Parents,” banned the classic children’s book.
S1 E6
Only two binkies remain as Giggles goes to infant care with his final three babies because parents are on partner track at their big law firms.
But the parents are interviewing live-in nannies, hoping to meet the perfect abuela with four critical success factors:
1. She cares more about their children than her own nietas and nietos;
2. She has triple-notarized legal immigrant papers because the couple expects presidential appointments someday as deputy assistant undersecretary to the assistant deputy undersecretary, an important stop in their careers.
3. She’s more than pleased to live in their basement “nanny suite” because it’s better than a U.S. Border Patrol migrant camp.
4. She adores doing laundry every day as it fulfills her work-life dreams. Especially when hand-laundering climate-woke cloth diapers.
S1 E7
Thirteen babies reunite with Giggles for the first time during a night of emotional firsts.
These include early “genius” toddling, pulling wealth, legacy and other strings for early acceptance into early-childhood Ivy-track programs, and blurting first words such as “mama,” “other mama,” “Roll Tide,” and “Even a baby knows Trump is destroying our democracy, rule of law, and America.”
The heart-wrenching conclusion to the daycare binky ceremony is revealed, and it’s no surprise: Babies who didn’t get their binkies wailed like Trump on X.
S1 E8
Giggles heads to luxury Baby Sleepaway Camp in the family room.
Over-caring parents watch in close proximity with $500 Nikon safari binoculars to make sure their baby is safe and won’t become an independent adult and move out someday.
S1 E9
In the season finale, the Baby Bachelor bestowed their final binky.
Not to spill the Happy Baby® Organic Formula, the finale is a satisfying conclusion to the exciting, emotional, and nauseating roller-coaster journey of the season. Just like having a baby.
Let’s just say that Baby Bachelor grows to become the host of Toddler Apprentice, next season on ABC.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
