Being Facebook friends with Stephen Miller
You think you know a guy
Jeffrey Denny
Facebook — apparently still a thing — believes I’m so desperate for friends that it keeps recommending people I don’t know.
This weekend, Stephen Miller, Deputy Chief of Staff at the Trump White House, popped up. Maybe my phone told Facebook that I sometimes mention Miller when posting thoughts about Biblical end times.
As I discovered from our Facebook friendship, the media is completely wrong about Miller. Despite his brutal, inhumane, unconstitutional treatment of immigrants, he’s no Josef Mengele, Heinrich Himmler, Adolf Eichmann, Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Göring, or even Donald Trump. He’s a normal, humble, even sweet guy once you get to know him:
His favorite lunch is Mexican
Not that culturally misappropriating Taco Bell fast-food processed junk that RFK, Jr., hates. We’re talking real Mexicans, carne asada, spiced, slowly marinated, grilled, and smothered in a rich, silky, chocolaty mole poblano sauce. As Stephen says, muy delicioso!
He’s a great cook
Stephen is a modern man who knows his way around the kitchen. His administration colleagues drool over his secret rotisserie infant recipe that involves brining immigrant babies in a saltwater solution infused with herbs, spices, and aromatics. The slow rotation further browns the “human veal,” as Stephen calls them, ensuring even cooking and crispy skin.
He’s a great dad
An even better father than his boss, Stephen is teaching his kids that to get what you want, be nice instead of mean. He says, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Then you pull their wings off. Although you can’t hear them scream, which is half the fun.”
He’s a good neighbor
Neighbors say he’s quiet and keeps to himself, but not like a serial killer. He’s not a psychopath. His empathy is immeasurable. He would never lock children in cages or send away their parents over government paperwork problems. He would never hurt a fly, unless it was a nasty, disease-ridden fly crossing the Rio Grande.
He’s as honest as the day is long
What’s great about Stephen is that, if he doesn’t like someone, he still respects them by refusing to beat around the bush or gaslight like a pleaser. He speaks his mind from his heart, let the devil’s chips fall where they may.
For instance, Stephen refuses to speak in liberal wokisms to tiptoe through the fragile progressive tulips. Like calling MAGAs “people who are damaged and easily suckered by a wealthy politician” instead of “knuckle-dragging bigots.”
And if you’re not white and your family didn’t come to America from Europe, he’ll come right out and say you’re a dirty, disgusting, illegal criminal animal who doesn’t belong in America, even if we depend on you.
He’s the perfect Facebook friend
Like everyone, according to social media, I can barely manage IRL friends, especially if it involves socializing IRL.
But Stephen makes friendship fun because he gives naughty giggles from enjoying how history will criminalize him, like he criminalizes immigrants. There’s always one in every friend group.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
