Blame it on the supply chain
Thank you, Joe Biden!
Still-President Donald Trump’s official state media is blaming election-stealing not-President Joe Biden for America’s irritating supply chain hang-ups.
Like when Amazon couldn’t deliver the naughty neo-Nazi lederhosen and jackboots they ordered last minute for overnight delivery. This not only ruined their scare-larious Halloween costumes, Unite the Right cosplaying, and Ayn Rand book club where Fascist fashion is haute couture and de rigueur, or rather, der Modeschöpfer, but also for workdays at Newsmax whether in office, remotely or hybrid.
No wonder #EmptyShelvesBiden is trending.
But always seeing the sunny side, I’m mixing metaphors and turning the Biden supply chain sow’s ear into lemonade with the old proverb:
You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you might find, you still can’t get what you need. Yeah, oh baby.
You know, on account of #EmptyShelvesBiden.
While the supply chain issues are frustrating and not actually Biden’s fault, they’re a convenient ruse for any personal or professional fail.
· Sorry boss, I can’t meet your deadline. Supply chain issues. My printer ran out of ink. You’re not the boss of me! You’re like actually essentially like traumatizing me! You should be mentoring me for success so I can take your job because everyone on Instagram says I’m amazing! You’ll be hearing from HR and it won’t be #FunForBossLOL.
· Sorry, Match match, we can’t meet for first-date dinner tonight. No, I’m not ghosting. No, I didn’t find someone better. I’m a foodie who eats healthy, and the restaurant is having supply chain issues with locavore free-range, climate-sensitive, planet-sustainable, non-hate, non-cruelty, non-gluten, non-GMO, non-torture, non-binary, noncorporate ingredients I need such Tonburi, Kombu and Sea Coral Jelly. If you don’t understand this, then obviously we’re not right for each other.
· Sorry, honey, I need to dress in blown-out pajama pants, threadbare rock concert tee-shirt, and fetid Tevas for the black-tie gala you invited me to and finally meet your boss, colleagues and sister. I couldn’t rent a tux because fine clothiers are struggling with supply chain issues. Obviously, Men’s Wearhouse can’t meet men’s demand for tortuous formal wear that they only wear because their mates insist. This is not dissimilar to women suffering cruel $1,000 stilettos mostly to impress other women since most men are, and should be, clueless about the difference between Christian Louboutin and the sale rack at DSW.
· Sorry, luv, I have no unexpired food, Charmin, clean towels, or Murphy’s Oil Soap to clean the place before you come over. No, I’m not a man-child slob flying more red flags than Communist China. Even Astronaut Jeff Bezos can’t command the supply chain! Did you see how he left Blue Origin? Looked like a frat-boy dorm room!
· Sorry, everyone, this year I won’t be cooking another amazing Thanksgiving dinner for everyone I adore and who absolutely adores me, but don’t seem to appreciate how I slave for their delight when they leave immediately after my amazing pumpkin pie saying they have other Thanksgiving dinners they absolutely mustn’t not at least appear for. That’s ok, fine, whatever — turns out my traditional delicious Ocean Spray Cranberry Jelly is hung up on whaling ships off Nantucket, so no Turkey Day at my place this year anyway.
· Sorry, family and friends, due to supply chain issues, the lavish holiday gifts I thoughtfully picked out and ordered for everyone unfortunately won’t arrive until 2030 earliest, so I had to cancel them. I don’t need these greedy capitalist merchants making even more filthy lucre off my hard-earned money until they finally fulfill my orders. No, of course I’m not lying about buying your gifts. No, I would never forget to buy your gifts. No, I don’t not care about my loved ones.
I wrote this piece just before Halloween. Thanks to #BareShelvesBiden, it’s only now getting to you.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.