An old friend of mine has the worst relationship luck.
He’s had more relationships that started out fun and exciting but failed with awkward repercussions than our current president.
But we all love breakup stories, and my friend has a few good ones:
1.Once he decided to start wearing camouflage clothing like he’s just returned from the latest Operation Middle East Whatever. He thought camouflage was cool. Plus it’s cheap at the Army-Navy surplus store. He shows up at girlfriend’s house in full cammo. She opens the door, looks around, and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”
2. He goes to the ophthalmologist to get his eyes checked. She writes a prescription for progressive trifocals with gradient tint. They wind up dating. But they fought over whether that internet dress was black and blue or white and gold. Eventually she ends it, explaining, “We just don’t see eye to eye.”
3.He and his new girlfriend liked going to the gym together. But mostly they just walked slowly on the treadmill while sipping protein smoothie power shakes. One day at the gym she turns to him and says, “This isn’t really working out.”
4.He once tried to be a sheep farmer, and met someone nice on FarmersOnly.com (“City Folks Just Don’t Get It”). He thought his new farm gal was fine with all the bleating, shearing of wool and fattening of mutton. Suddenly one day she announces she’s moving to Tokyo for a woman she met online. He’s confused and devastated. “It’s the sheep, isn’t it?” he weeps. No, she replies, “It’s not ewe. It’s Mei.”
5.He and next girlfriend are stuck on a plane on the runway. Snowstorms everywhere. Babies are wailing. Hours pass. She turns to him and says, “I just don’t think this is going anywhere.”
6.He and next girlfriend catch a cold from each other, leading to mutual laryngitis. This goes on for many weeks. One day he gets a text from her saying, “We need to talk.”
7.He and next girlfriend are progressing nicely. They move into a place together that has luxurious deep-pile carpeting. In winter, when the air is driest, they’d get a shock when they touched. So they agreed to have the carpeting ripped up and hardwood floors installed. Not long after, she calls it quits. Her reason: “I just don’t feel that spark anymore.”
I think my friend will be OK. He knows that failure is a blessing, always an invaluable lesson for a chance to do better. Right now he’s learning from when his latest love said she’s leaving him to spend more time with her husband.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer