Image from Marquette University

Covid reveals six personality types

Jeffrey Denny

The famed Swiss Hermann Rorschach’s eponymous personality test did not, as medical history has it, begin with an inkblot.

In fact, Rorschach was dining out in Schaffhausen enjoying a fondue when a molten blob of gruyere fell off his forked bread cube and onto his lap.

Rorschach was alarmed. Not just because the hot cheese pained his schwanzstucker like the dickens. He thought the cheese blob looked just like his mother.

“Do not be alarmed,” assured his fellow diner, also a psychiatrist like most Swiss then. “Sometimes a cheese blob is just a cheese blob.”

Unassured, Rorschach deduced the cheese blob revealed his unresolved mommy issues. Why was his mother’s face in his lap, staining his trousers?! Why was she burning his pimmel?

Long story longer, after experimenting with disturbed patients of the famed Dr. Richard Thorndyke, director of the Melvin Brooks Psycho-Neurotic Institute for the Very, Very Nervous, Rorschach discovered that cheese blob interpretation was useful in examining personal characteristics and emotional functioning.

Later Rorschach switched from cheese to ink blobs because ink was cheaper and easier to use in repeated psychological experiments, and didn’t harden the arteries.

Flash forward a century after Rorschach’s early death in 1922 at 37 (unrelated to cheese), our coronavirus (Latin for “cheese germ”) reveals six personality types more than cheese or ink ever could:

1. Covid deniers

I personally don’t know anyone who scoffs at an historically deadly and disruptive pandemic and refuses to mask, calling masks “face diapers.”

Granted, I live in an elite coastal liberal bubble where good citizens are socially responsible. They respect science — many are scientists — and hate to spread disease, death and shutdowns. Nerds.

But I understand Covid deniers are out there. The elite fake-stream media quotes them declaring patriotic Patrick Henry stuff like, “Give me liberty to spread death!”

Yet let’s have some sympathy or empathy, whatever’s the difference.

Many Covid Deniers suffer from N-SOCS (Non-Specific Ornery Contrarian Syndrome), TD-DS (Trump Derangement-Derangement Syndrome), and even ISIS (no, not jihading for a caliphate but disabled by chronic Irredeemably Selfish Idiot Syndrome).

2. Covid Slippers

They respect CDC guidance but sometimes cheat “just a little.”

I know a terrible guy (me) who once left his home for a walk and disrespectfully shed and spread the virus from his mouth and nose droplets as he shamelessly breathed as if enslaved by oxygen through a single mask. He even once met friends at a restaurant with outdoor pods!

A couple I know failed to take a skin-stripping nuclear decontamination Silkwood Shower after touching a bag of food touched by a food delivery person driving a Toyota.

Another Covid slipper selfishly failed to resist hugging her beautiful granddaughter even though the toddler couldn’t report the encounter for contact tracing because she’s too young for an iPhone and gibbers like a toddler.

3. Covid Correct

They slavishly adhere to the latest CDC guidance, however shifting and confusing, and school family and friends who fail to do so.

4. Covid Militants

More dangerous to American freedom than the liberals that canceled, killed and chopped up heroic journalist Tucker Carlson with sharp words, these brave citizens have deputized themselves to impose Covid law and order like on the hit crime series, “Law & Order: Covid.”

Arriving in Subarus with peeling “I’m With Her” stickers, suited up in Patagonia fleece tactical gear, and heavily armed with military-grade righteousness, they hunt down the Covid incorrect at Covid-correct farmer’s markets and shoot them dirty looks.

5. Covid Extremists

They don’t just take offense and dramatically arch their eyebrows like Dan Levy on “Schitt’s Creek,” they take action.

For example, untrue story, I was walking up the sidewalk one day spewing droplets when I spied a woman walking toward me a block away.

She spied me.

I was wearing a single N-95 mask.

She was doubled up, a doppelmäsker if you will.

A showdown was imminent. It was like High Noon. Or maybe around 12:15.

Eyeing me with severe verachtung, she performatively veered from the sidewalk into the street, all the while looking me straight in the eye and silently declaring, “I would rather be dismembered by Fahrvergnügen than catch your Covid!”

How insulting! She didn’t know my Covid situation. Even if I had the Covid, what’s so wrong with my Covid? It felt personal.

Then upon realizing her social slight was not about me but her unresolved personal issues, I dashed unto the street, lunged at her, and threw her from the path of a speeding VW Tiguan. Maybe it was a VW Atlas 2.0T SE 4Motion 21.5. It happened so fast.

In any event, I saved her from certain death. Flash forward, we fell in liebe, married and made kinder we put unto kindergarten where they grow cabbages and other cruciferous vegetables that test our alimentary and air filtering systems.

6. Covid Conflicted

“Hastily arranged vaccination appointment systems are being swamped by residents from better-off, largely White neighborhoods,” veteran Washington Post columnist Colbert I. King complained.

Like Alexander Hamilton in “Hamilton,” the vaccine-entitled are not throwing away their shots just because they care deeply about the socially vulnerable and medically underserved who are dying at greater rates and need the shots more.

Heck, I want my shots too.

But I’m so far down the CDC list — Phase 127F— that even dead Biden voters who stole the election from Trump are ahead of me. Dead is a medical condition that lets you jump the vaccine queue.

So I’ll just stand back, stand by and judge everyone who gets a Covid shot before me. Just like a typical passive aggressive that the blot of cheese that dripped onto my boxers from my delivery Dominoes cheese-stuffed pizza crust confirmed I am.

And no, it doesn’t look anything like my mother, and no, I’m not in denial, cheese blob.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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