Covid vaccines make you liberal
What to expect if you’re expecting a shot
As cases surge, a doctor says that some people are pleading for discretion when they receive the vaccine, worried about what their friends and families will think. — New York Times, July 30, 2021
Anti-vaxxers are being unfairly marginalized, demonized, Satanized, and even Martinized at the dry cleaners, making their clothing stiffer than necessary.
All because the vax resistors are merely expressing their personal patriotic American freedom to sicken and die from Covid, to spread disease and death to friends, families, neighbors and fellow Americans, and to stress low-paid hospital workers working around the clock desperately trying to save lives. Anti-vaxxers also are victimized for whining about the new mask mandates they’re causing.
But have some respect. While many of the vaccine dangers they cite are hilariously fake, this one is all too real and fearsome: Covid shots will transform you into a liberal.
In full disclosure, I’m neither a real doctor nor an internet bottom-feeder gulling the gullible with fake medical advice for views and money.
But given the risk that Covid shots could transmogrify you into a stupid Socialist brain-dead lemming, my Hypocritical Oath demands that I explain what being liberal entails. It’s not pretty.
Side effects may include:
· Signing up for Covid booster shots.
· Happily being injected with experimental government mad scientist poison the internet says could turn you into The Fly like Jeff Goldblum.
· Expressing extreme frowny looks and angry muttering at other Whole Foods shoppers who aren’t keeping up with the latest mask guidance like you are.
· You open your heart and mind to understand and forgive anti-maskers and -vaxxers for their selfish, ornery, misinformed, misanthropic rebellion without a clue that keeps the pandemic going.
· You chortle at the irony that personal freedom-loving anti-mask and -vaxxers attack their fellow Americans for expressing their personal freedom to mask and vax.
· You confess (to your therapist) that you take ein bisschen schandenfreude when you read about anti-vaxxers who get deathly ill and regret their idiotic stubbornness.
· You also feel deep shame for taking Darwinian comfort that anti-vaxxers are evolving the human race by thinning the herd of knuckle-draggers.
Wait, there’s more:
· You don’t drive a Ford F-150 pickup to appear manly because you’re shortchanged in the manly department. You drive a Prius to virtue-signal that you hate cars, but you have to drive, so you picked one that lacks even ein bisschen Fahrvergnügen.
· You’re “woke,” so you’re on high alert to slam anyone who says or does anything that falls short of your exceptional standards for human behavior. Even if you can’t possibly meet them. But you’re smart so you can rationalize anything.
· You thought Bill Maher was hilarious when he ranted about Trump. But not when Maher started ranting about the so-called lib cancel culture. Maybe you thought, “Well, isn’t he canceling the libs?”
· You still think Biden has done a much better job getting us out of Afghanistan than Trump would have. You have friends who argue Bernie would have done it better.
· You studied history. You read history. You try to understand history. Nevertheless, you still don’t believe Trump was our Greatest President in History. Obama was. Lincoln came in second (dinged because he was a White male Republican and hence congenitally, also genitally, unable to be woke).
· You deny that your liberal college professors brainwashed and indoctrinated you to be an America-hating Socialist because, well, you’re brainwashed and indoctrinated.
· For news and opinion, you trust National Public Radio more than the Bible, all things considered.
· However horribly misogynist Andrew Cuomo revealed himself to be, Trump was much, much worse.
· Fires, floods, hurricanes and other mounting violent disasters from climate change are caused not by our fossil fuel emissions but, as the Bible foretold, by God to punish mankind for LGBTQIA+.
· You somehow believe it’s simply just wrong to separate refugee families and cage their children at the Mexican border. They don’t deserve abuse for wanting to be in America like most of our parents and other forebears.
· You also wonder, why would anyone want to be in America? Especially with Trump and Trumpers controlling the country? And come into Texas where they’re hated? Better to sneak into Scandinavia for its model Socialism with free everything without working, plus no racism to speak of.
· You hate haters but worry that makes you a hater. Yet you have a moral duty to hate Texas for its racist voter suppression, permit-less gun carry and most of all, devolution into a misogynist Handmaid’s Tale dystopia where vigilantes dictate reproduction.
· You somehow believe White racial hate, discrimination and deliberate, systemic setbacks for Black people didn’t end 150 years ago with Emancipation, 50+ years ago with the civil rights laws, or the affirmative actions and diversity/equity/inclusion/accessibility efforts since then.
· You know that White racial resentment has escalated under Trump because he lifted the rock and let the vermin proudly squirm into the daylight, wave Confederate flags, and attack our Capitol.
· You know “voter integrity” is code for making it harder for non-Whites to vote so Republicans, in a dying gasp, can overcome the shifting American demographics and cheat to win.
· You never trusted Big Pharma until it produced the Covid shots.
It’s not easy turning liberal.
It makes you try to accept, understand, and care about people you don’t know and aren’t like you. It also exposes you to sneering ridicule by illiterate MAGA trolls and their media that mushrooms them.
This can be stressful. But at the very least, the Covid shots will save you.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.