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Curing the Covid with inner light

Jeffrey Denny

“Light Beings are pure energy beings that only exist in the higher realms of the Spiritual Universe,” says.

“Usually, their existence lies in the 5th or higher dimensions. They exude high vibrations of energy, while also being very tall.”

While I vibrate like nobody’s business, I’m not so very tall as to tower above people’s Covid droplets. I’m also not short, which I’m told looks worse on a woman’s arm than a street-vendor Louis Vuitton. Out in platforms on a Saturday night I’m at least 6’ 5”, but at home ~6' 0” and shrinking daily as this quarantining goes on.

Anyway, since I’m not a spiritual person, I’m looking into other ways to bring the light into my body to deal with this pandemic or even a regular demic:

Another colonoscopy

I just had one last year, my second, thanks for asking. But I’ll happily get a third to enjoy the tasty pre-production beverage, sleeping potion administered for the procedure, and Cosby-style drugged violation where the sun don’t shine, to use the vernacular.

As my gastroenterologist’s footage demonstrates from my last procedure, the camera and crew melded the mise en scene and traditional lighting with integrated screens and projection mapping, and put almost every spot fixture on the show in a framing light. Besides helping carve out bits and pieces of scenery to emphasize highlight and/or shadow, it helped the lighting crew keep clear of projection screens and only put light where needed.

If this sounds like I borrowed/plagiarized it from a discussion with the lighting crew for the 2019 Oscars on, you got me. Suffice I’m humbled my gastroenterologist, who calls himself “Polyp Hunter,” cared so much about production values. Too few do.

Dilated eye exam

“A dilated eye exam is the best thing you can do for your eye health” the National Eye Institute says. “It’s the only way to check for eye diseases early on, when they’re easier to treat — and before they cause vision loss.”

So, the ophthalmologist puts in some eye drops, you look like a Margaret Keane painting with Japanese anime “dolly eyes,” and you can’t blink as the blinding light of a thousand exploding suns is pointed directly into your eyes in order to save your eyes. Who doesn’t love irony?

Looking deeper into her eye contraption, the ophthalmologist can also see your brain and assess whether it’s as big beautiful stable genius as the U.S. president’s so you insist on defying epidemiologists and reopening normal life to continue spreading the Covid.

Or perhaps upon being blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce another runner in the night, you’ll decide nah, I’ll do what Dr. Fauci says.

Ear exam

Otolaryngologists use an otoscope that shines a light beam into our ear canals to see if we’ve misused Q-tips cotton swabs to dig out ear wax, which Q-tips Corporation lawyers make the company say don’t do, you might damage your ear canals. Yet we persist.

However, otoscopes often can’t see past the disgusting ear wax buildup from not swabbing with Q-tips. More irony! That said, if the otoscope light beam can melt the ear waxy buildup and shine through, the Covid will not be happy, to say the least.

Old CD/DVD players

Ok, if you don’t have health insurance to cover specialists offering commonplace body light treatments because you hate Obamacare, Medicare, Medicaid, employer insurance or other socialized medicine we all have, there are cheaper, easier ways right in our homes to inject light into our bodies.

Our children laugh at how we used to put a plastic thing into a giant electronic thing to hear “tunes” or watch “films.” Kids are not laughing now when they see parents climbing down from the attic with a dusty 2003 TEAC P70/D70 CD player that cost “a pretty penny back in the day,” smashing it with a household hammer, ripping out the laser beam, and pointing it up their nostrils or other body openings to zap the Covid.

Future historians may look back on the Trump Flu and call this period “The New Enlightenment” just to be sarcastic.

But the candle we alight within to defeat this scourge in ways that Dr. Fauci says don’t will be illuminating for epochs.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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