Cyclist or bike rider?
A difference with distinction
Jeffrey Denny
What’s the difference between cyclists and people who ride bikes?
The pants
Bike riders wear jeans, cargo shorts or whatever they’re wearing instead of snug Spandex cycling shorts that display what God gave you in bas-relief.
The shoes
Bike riders wear sandals, flip flops, sneakers, boat shoes, opera slippers or whatever they’re wearing for wherever they’re going.
Cyclists wear sleek clipless shoes, “the kind that clip right into your pedals,” per trekbikes.com.
For bike riders, clipless shoes that clip makes no sense. But it’s simple: Clipless shoes make it easier for cyclists to cycle faster, longer and stronger. Also, harder to stop and dismount, so they have to “Idaho Stop” — blow through traffic lights, startling inferiors such as drivers, pedestrians and bike riders.
The demographics
Bike riders run the gamut — children, parents, grandparents, bike-share renters, and people of all ages, types, genders and ethnicities.
Cyclists tend to be young, white, male, educated, privileged professionals. Older ones are clinging to youth. Like evangelical Christians, they believe their way is the one true way.
The traffic
Bike riders avoid traffic or watch out for it, especially in cities during rush hours, so they don’t get hit. They never bike on highways or parkways — they use the bike paths built for them.
Cyclists blithely swerve in and out of heavy traffic, ignore bike laws and defensive biking guidance, and flip off drivers who almost accidentally hit them. They ride on highways and parkways, holding up traffic, because the bike paths have bike riders.
The sense and sensibility
Bike riders are like dumb animals: They know enough to come in out of the rain.
Cyclists are like U.S. Postal Service carriers: Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night stays them from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
In fact, cyclists are superior to postal carriers, who sometimes fail to swiftly deliver the mail to people who still inexplicably depend on mail.
The concern for our planet
Speaking of appointed rounds, bike riders often shamefully own and rely on their cars for grocery, Target, Container Store and other errands that involve carting large quantities of huge items that don’t fit in a backpack or panniers.
Some bike riders even use cars to deliver their children to myriad schools and activities.
Many cyclists brag about not owning cars. They find a way to manage. Perhaps until their kids need to be driven to myriad schools and activities. Or become teens and demand cars, and parents buy them cars to relieve the hassle of getting their teens around.
Bike riders might say they care about the climate crisis. Some might even drive hybrid or electric cars, or take public transit, or walk, when they’re not riding their bikes. But they’ll never care more about Earth than cyclists do.
The concern for the working class
Cyclists, who tend to be progressive, care deeply about the plight of wage workers.
Many wage workers ride bikes, but they couldn’t possibly cycle to work. They need to drive to eke out a living.
These would include wage workers coming in from cheaper suburbs to work in urban restaurants and retail establishments beloved by cyclist-types. Many wage workers need to cart heavy equipment to tend the urban cyclists’ homes and buildings and build their bike paths.
The European Experience
Many bike riders have ridden bikes in Europe as tourists.
Cyclists believe everyone in America should bike like Europeans do. Especially in Northern Europe where everything is superior to America.
The time American cyclists spend in Europe, however incidental or limited, or studies they cherry-pick, is enough to lecture Americans about how to live righteously.
The bikes
Bike riders rarely ride Tour de France-winning cycles like the $13,000 Cervélo S5 Dura-Ace Di2 Road Bike. They have no idea that Campagnolo isn’t a pasta entrée.
Cyclists know their carbon-frame bicycles and alloy components. They hoot at bike riders who don’t know their Shimano from their Schwinn.
This is true even if the cyclists are first-year law firm associates with enough money to buy a $13,000 cycle.
The children
Unlike cyclists, bike riders recognize that even with enough dedicated, protected bike lanes, most modern children will never happily ride their Schwinns to school or myriad activities year-round whether snow, rain, or gloom of night, especially with their 50-pound book backpacks.
The bike lanes
Bike riders enjoy protected bike lanes when they occasionally use them.
Cyclists demand protected bike lanes when they also occasionally use them, meaning that on any given day you see only a handful of cyclists using them.
But proving that the squeaky chain gets the grease — and the ascendance of minority rule — a handful of cyclists can make life harder for tens of thousands of people who need to drive by pressuring local government to narrow commuter arteries to build bike lanes.
Cyclists refuse to brook any whiff of opposition — even innocent common-sense questions make you the enemy — or concede their obvious self-interest. They know the political game of turning private interests into public interests, like how bike lanes protect children, people and the planet by weaning people off cars by making it harder to drive.
Message to cyclists:
My deepest apologies if any of you are triggered and traumatized by my toxic commentary.
I understand: Your emaciation, energy gels and sense of entitlement have depleted your sense of humor and self-deprecation.
Forgive me — my therapist says I’m acting out my hateful envy that you are, truly, superior to me.
But dudes: While I know you’re all training for the Tour de France, please don’t swerve in front of my car or run me over as I’m walking or riding my bike.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
