The DEI can

Sung to “The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., rendition

Jeffrey Denny

Alright everybody, gather around. DEI is here.

What kind of DEI do you want?

Sweet diversity, equity and inclusion? Belonging, representation and respect? Posing as woke so you don’t get sued or maybe you will?

You’ve come to the right place. I’m the DEI Man. Sorry, a nonbinary Person of DEI. Sing along with me:

What can make a plane crash
Fuel the climate hoax
Kill the privilege of all the cracker white folks
DEI can
DEI can ’cause it triggers MAGA trolls and makes their souls feel good.

What inspires all the bigots
To flip the hands of time
And blame the urban people for America’s crimes
DEI can
DEI can ’cause it lets the MAGA bullies play their victimhood.

What’s making all the babies
Decide to change their sex
Declare they’re gender fluid with a bit of Latinx
DEI can
DEI can ’cause PBS indoctrinates the alphabet as LGBTQIA+.

MAGAs take whatever Trump bakes
As satisfying and delicious
Talk about your worst impulses
You can even be repulsive.

Who can turn tomorrow
Into a fever dream
Turn America into an Edvard Munch scream
DEI can
DEI can ’cause the president uses hate to make his fools feel good.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.