Donald Trump, secret mastermind
Remember the ’80s Saturday Night Live sketch, “Mastermind”?
Phil Hartman played a doddering, affable President Reagan while talking to a reporter and greeting a child visiting the White House.
Once ushering them out, Hartman/Reagan flips to the commanding master strategist he really is, barking crisp, detailed and decisive orders to his national security team like General George S. Patton dispatching Allied forces to win the Battle of the Bulge.
That’s how to understand President Trump.
To most simple Americans, Trump is a disaster, destructive, despicable, an embarrassment, well nigh impeachable. Trump is a threat to democracy and mainstream media enemies of the state who’ve exhausted every synonym in Roget’s for “bad.” But they’re completely wrong about Trump.
After digging out my boyhood X-Ray Spex to read the blacked-out parts of the Mueller report, exploring the dark web about the dark state while sitting in my dark bunker I dug myself, and using intellect, insight and deductive reasoning admittedly not as brilliant as Fox & Friends employ, I discovered the real Donald Trump versus @realDonald Trump:
Trump didn’t obstruct justice by pressuring Comey to resign.
Quite the opposite. Typo. Trump begged Comey to re-sign, as in the Cleveland Cavaliers and Miami Heat offering millions in first born to get LeBron to stay.
Trump knew Comey had the goods on Hillary. Comey could finally get to the bottom of her treasonous emails, but more importantly, what criminally psychopathic disease in her very soul caused her to pick a Northwest Washington pizza ping-pong parlor basement to run a pedophile business when commercial rents in that zip code are off the charts.
Trump definitely colluded with the Russians.
Not to sell out America, become president and please Putin. He was determined against all odds to protect America from Hillary becoming president and turning America feminist/socialist/Oberlin College angry snowflake.
In so doing, Trump exhibited unbelievably patriotic hero self-sacrifice not unlike Die Hard’s John McClain. Even if Hollywood panned the last installment, “A Good Day to Die Hard,” because there’s never a good day to die, easy or hard.
Trump didn’t dodge the Vietnam draft.
Starting from his dorm room at military prep school, Trump secretly brokered the Paris Peace Accords that ended this tragic war thus saving the lives of countless Americans and making a mockery of Sen. John McCain’s “heroism.”
“Bone spurs” was merely Trump’s deep state cover handle.
Trump would rather suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fake media facts than accept credit for anything he did or did not accomplish. His middle name is not John but “humility.”
Trump didn’t kill NAFTA for stupid reasons.
He killed NAFTA because it was a terrible Democrat globalist trade deal with Canada and Mexico that would devastate America’s job-creating maple syrup and chicharrón industries. Not to mention America’s model healthcare system.
Trump also knew if NAFTA were not reversed, Canada one day would seize America’s rightful NBA crown in revenge for America hoarding Canada’s rightful Stanley Cup for nearly forever. Trump was too late. Even heroes fail sometimes, which makes them more humanly lovable.
Trump’s not going to the mat, pulling out the stops and trying every cliché in the book demanding a Mexican wall to keep Mexicans out.
Mexico begged Trump to keep Americans out.
Tragic American refugees are invading Tijuana seeking “a cheap and fantastic alternative to the high housing prices in San Diego and neighboring towns,” per the travel/retirement site escapeartist.com.
Americans are also ruining Mexico’s beautiful seaside resorts such as Cancun by complaining the margaritas and fajitas suck compared to the Chili’s in Dubuque while treating hosts and staff like they’re illegal immigrants and saying cuidado like they think it means “hello” because they saw it back home on a wet floor sign that a Hispanic/Latino custodial worker put down.
Michael Cohen completely misunderstood all the bad things Trump told him to do.
Oh, snap, Cohen realized! Trump was joking! Such a kidder.
As the SNL cast when Trump brilliantly guest-hosted was ashamed to admit, Trump is more naturally hilarious than they are as professional and experienced sketch comedians. They’re still talking about his rapier wit, how he’s rapier than any other president.
For example, Trump thought the porn star hush-money check was his absolute best prank. (LOL, there is no “Stormy Daniels”!) But Cohen is so clueless he took the check for real. Trump is completely torn up that Cohen went to jail as a result of his innocent pranking.
If you step back, stop hating and have a sense of humor, you can see Trump employed Sarah Sanders and Kellyanne Conway as opening acts to generously support their stand-up comedy careers.
There’s much more proof Trump is gas-lighting, dividing, insulting, lying, obstructing and seeming to make America worse but secretly sacrificing his hard-earned, gold-plated reputation to make America greater.
Trump is attacking the mainstream media to save it by boosting their readership and viewership. He’s pretending to support white supremacists to flush them out of their squalid basements. He raised tariffs, supposedly hurting farmers, as the only way to get a $16 billion farm bailout through a partisan gridlocked Congress. He’s killing Obamacare before it kills millions more Americans. He’s cozying up to Putin, Kim Jong-Un and other murderous dictators to woo then screw them over to make America safer.
We can’t expect the coastal liberal elites with their fancy educations to be smart enough to understand Trump’s mastermind mind.
But in the 2020 election when Trump asks America, like Reagan did Jimmy Carter, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” the truly intelligent will say yes, thank you Mr. Trump.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer