Don’t worry about the “robot apocalypse”
You know that stock character in sci-fi action films, the nerdy kooky genius? The guy with weird hair, thick glasses and short-sleeved dress shirt who spouts techno-babble that people ignore at first? But he’s the only one who connects the dots, sees the big picture, and saves humanity from annihilation? And he says things like “Occam’s Razor, people — the simplest explanation is usually the right one”?
That’s me. I’m that guy.
And in my brilliance, with a burst of shower inspiration, I’ve pieced together what nobody else sees:
Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk are wrong. The robot apocalypse isn’t imminent or even possible.
The proof has been as plain as the noses on our faces, even plainer to me since my nose is bigger than most.
The robot takeover goes beyond what the hair-on-fire New York Times said, that “Robots are winning the race for American jobs.” And much more than the displacement of human editors with software that underlines sentences that have something wrong with them like this one.
The robots have taken command of everything, including probably the keyboard and mouse I’m using to write this, but they’re ok with this piece because they know how few readers I have. On Medium, no one can hear me scream.
But connect the dots:
Why the headlong rush, even after a driverless Uber (a robot) killed a pedestrian after its human “backup driver” looked down, probably at her smartphone (robot remote control of humans)?
After the “accident,” one autonomous vehicle engineer said progress always demands a few fatalities. Typical robot.
Developed and forced upon us by the robots to take any shred of enjoyment out of driving so we give up and turn the task over to them. (Also see: Hyundai Veloster “sport” coupe, Kia Sedona minivan, and every American car circa 1970–2000.)
Why are they so addictive that in spite of traffic laws, accidents, injuries and even deaths, parents with babies in the car text while going 45 mph in a school zone? Robots want to keep the human population distracted, sedated and also limited.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Says only exactly what’s “she” is programmed to say. Defending this presidency day after day with a straight face would be impossible for humans.
C’mon. A 33-year-old multi-billionaire heading a $400 billion company with two billion members, who Wired said, “isn’t known for his charisma or quick-witted stage presence”?
Artificial intelligence and machine learning have come a long way, but from his Congressional testimony, it’s clear the robots are still a few updates short of making the Robot King seem almost nearly human.
King Zuck’s primary human control system. Thus the bots, memes, gifs and “brain teasers” — like, “name a state that doesn’t have a city named Springfield” — that are too easy not to be psychographic profiling and data collection tools. Not to mention the pro-Trump, pro-gun, Crooked Hillary and kitchen hack posts that suck people in, drive them crazy, and make them fight with their loved ones.
It’s all so we don’t notice and stop the robot apocalypse. Mission accomplished, robots!
Clearly a robot name. So is “Elon Musk” for that matter.
Few know this but me: “Bezos” is French for “cyborg”. Surprised? Just look at him!
On top of taking over the world, Bezos also owns the Washington Post,which in turn owns the capital of the most powerful nation in the world and controls the Democrats and liberal sheep.
Only President Trump can save us now from Amazon. “Towns, cities and states throughout the U.S. are being hurt!” he warned, adding, “And Soylent Green is people! It’s people!!!”
Hard-right internet trolls
People can’t be that illiterate, ignorant, illogical, hateful, pathetically self-righteous yet self-defeating, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, nativist, and suckers for official state propaganda however impossible for sentient beings to swallow.
The chronic abuse of grammar, spelling, punctuation and basic usage proves that robots still haven’t figured out written human communication beyond the first-grade level. No, wait — maybe they have the imbecilic mentality of the white supremacists perfectly nailed!
Good luck finding any humanity there. If you can’t tell Brian Kilmeade, Steve Doocy and latest dispensable blonde woman on Fox & Friends are robots bent on human mind control and domination, then it’s already too late.
Sean Hannity is a whole different model of robot, programmed to lack any modicum of human shame while accusing others of hypocrisy, secrecy, and conflict of interest.
Comcast, Verizon, et alia
Why do people still pay up to $250 a month for cable, including extra fees for a 1990s-tech cable box, sports channels offering Little League softball, and the 1995 “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” on Starz?
Robots gave us no choice once they rendered TV antennas and rabbit ears obsolete.
Cable wifi passwords
Don’t write this down, but mine is xZpcY6^#Mqq54’@2Kt=~n<5. Which Google translate says is robot for “ipitythefool”.
Internet of Things
Why can’t we get a human — or someone who speaks human — on the phone for tech support when our “smart home devices” don’t work as touted, don’t “talk to each other,” and turn the oven gas on high, snuff the pilot light, and close all the windows if we complain?
Then we get an email survey asking about our customer experience. (Give five stars. You don’t mess with robots that control your home.)
Not a robot. He’s what the robots call a “tool”.
By the way — this is true — I asked Siri, “When is the robot apocalypse?”
She answered, “Hmm, I’m not sure.”
Notice “she” didn’t deny it was possible. I moved quickly to alert the authorities but my phone suddenly went dead and my keyboard fro
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer