Dos Vedanya, Mr. Trump
Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you
Jeffrey Denny
Recent polls show President Trump losing to every remaining Democratic presidential hopeful, from Old Joe to Crazy Bernie, Schoolmarm Liz, Compelling Kamala and Common-Sensible Mayor Pete.
Trump’s even behind ironical write-ins such as Harvey Weinstein; Dora the Explorer; Ms. Piggy with VP Kermit the Frog; Pikachu; the late Grumpy Cat; Cliff the stunt man from “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”; Cliff’s sweet Karmann Ghia; and Jasper Clinton Mezvinsky, Bill and Hillary’s latest grandchild the Deep State is already planning to win the popular vote but lose the presidency in 2055.
Other write-ins beating Trump include: Tom Hanks, Tom Brady, Tom’s of Maine toothpaste and anyone named Tom; the late Fred Rogers and anyone named Fred; Popeyes’ chicken sandwich (not Chick-fil-A’s); the awesome tatted weird-hair pierced Starbucks barista who knows our name and exactly how much to froth our milk; the guy who finally fixed our new refrigerator; and “President Business” (formerly known as “Lord Business”) from the Lego movies.
My near-80 mother could beat Trump in a walk, Lord willing, because she’s definitely smarter, more sensible, nicer and all around better than Trump.
Trump’s approval ratings have plunged in every battleground state.
His disapproval is higher than even horrible Jimmy Carter’s at this point and 0% Rotten Tomatoes reboot movies such as “Men in Black: International.”
Even mainstream Republicans think Trump is destroying America and say with naked hope and risking riches that if the economy tanks, he’s a definite goner.
The purple suburbs with their majestic college smarts, sensible concerns and patriotic love of country worry that Trump is driving America down to its bigoted underbelly and he’s a virulent pox upon the land that needs to be sent back up his golden escalator, stat.
As decent Americans grow weary and disgusted with the Trump Show, we look to cleanse-elect someone respectfully presidential who at least tries to harken our better angels instead of succoring our darkest sneering, angry, squalid nativist impulses. America’s best current hope is Joe Biden, whatever his flaws and failure to appease the self-anointed “progressives.”
Someday we’ll look back and shudder to wonder why Gott im Himmel we let someone so Trumpy, so derisive, divisive and destructive, so delighting in nastiness and demonstrably unqualified and unfit for the office, get anywhere near the White House, and use the bully pulpit to bully fellow Americans and make America worse for his personal aggrandizement.
Yes, the polls were wrong in 2016.
We know Trump trumps the polls. Trump trumps reality. Trump taught us Trump IS reality.
Trump can turn Flint, Michigan, poisonous tap water into haunting Trump Winery Blanc de Blanc.
Trump can feed multitudes with a few Mar-a-Lago loaves and fishes baked or roasted by undocumented immigrants working for less than resentful Americans will get off their duffs to.
Trump can perform miracles like making angry white males feel powerful and in charge of America again.
Trump can turn vasectomy and divorce court victims into fathers again with just a touch of his hand and a little pure nard to lovingly anoint his feet.
Trump can run circles around people who run circles around people who run circles around people, etc. He always wins by making stupider, logical people dizzy and disoriented.
Trump puts his pants on three legs at a time, if you know what I mean, unlike Abe Lincoln and the other lesser endowed so-called “great” presidents on Rushmore.
Trump is more than a president. Screw the Constitution (except for the Second Amendment) and its confusing rule of law and separation of powers that lets Democrats and non-Trump media that question him even exist.
Trump is the Great Leader, Dear Father, Dear Leader, Vozhd, Generalisimus, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Gardener of Human Happiness, Il Duce, El Commandante, Vodca, Conducător, Maršal, Captain America, Captain of the Universe, Captain Fantastic, Kanye North South East and West, and every Great Man human history has ever produced. All rolled up into a giant self-loving butterball of powerful woman-grabbing, porn-star hu$hing, Manhattan real estate titan and tweet-master bilious billionaire brilliance.
Trump is Dr. Eli Gemstone, paterfamilias of The Righteous Gemstones, cheerily saving the masses while screwing them to amass power and Mar-a-Lago luxe living they could only dream of.
Trump can lie and then lie about lying every day like it’s a bodily function and his people will believe in him and attack fellow Americans who don’t believe in him.
Trump can cheer his people by generously donating his presidential paycheck while sneering at the Constitution’s Emoluments Clause to make millions plumping his brand as president and hosting supplicants at his luxury properties including murderous democracy-hating regimes and Washington swamp lobbyists.
Trump’s people think it’s fantastic that Trump is billionaire-smart enough to get richer from public office.
Trump can say “Screw you, Xi,” deliberately mispronouncing the Chinese president’s name as “ex-eye” just to mess with Xi to make a rival global tyrant with the world’s biggest population and economy, and biggest market for U.S. crops and goods, bend to his will. Or not.
Trump can make America greater with a trade and tariff war that roils the stock and bond markets, kills retirement funds, destroys farmers, and guarantees everyday higher prices at Walmart for real Americans who believe in him.
Then Trump supporters jeer his critics because MAGAs are smarter than economists, CEOs of Fortune 50 companies, and stock and bond market investors and analysts handling billions of dollars in our retirement funds, and other so-called “experts.”
Trump can annex Greenland and defy science to nuke hurricanes, and his supporters will call him brilliant for his big thinking and big ideas that challenge the over-educated smarty-pants globalists and scientists who lack the real people’s gut sense and ignorance.
What many smart, sensible Republicans and sentient mammals say about Trump being not fit to serve, and the disrespectful talk about the 25th amendment, is just the usual Washington swamp self-serving and deep state fascism keeping down the people who support the best fascist America’s ever had. Trump’s an even better fascist than Obama!
Still, I get that many hung down, brung down Americans blame the stupid liberals and nonwhites including poor immigrants.
They’re easy targets.
I understand why Trump lovers love how he delights in triggering the sanctimonious media, academia and hipster urban boho P.C. snowflake triggered AOC bourgeoisie. (It’s fun to “own” the stupid libs).
I understand why Trump lovers support and believe everything Trump says and does, even if it hurts them first and worst. (Folk heroes can never do wrong; see Fidel Castro.)
I also understand how Trump supporters, defenders, enablers and mainstream Republicans using him think I’m a poor misguided Washington Democrat liberal with Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Maybe so.
But as a patriotic moderate common-sense Midwesterner, I always trust America to do the right thing after exhausting all the other alternatives, as Churchill supposedly once said.
So I know we can do better. We are better. We will put Trump behind us and learn from this mayhem to truly make American greater.
Gott im Himmel I hope so.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
