Eight ways Trump could still be a Nobel laureate
President Trump’s decision to cancel his historic planned June 12 summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was disappointing to anyone who loves peace in our time.
I especially feel for the 18 Republican Congressmen and seven governors who jumped the gun and already nominated Trump for the 2019 Nobel Peace Prize just for announcing and scheduling the potential meeting.
If I deserved a prize for all the major important meetings I scheduled and spent an hour prepping a 57-slide deck presentation for that got canceled, the Nobel committee would obsessively stalk me like it did Bob Dylan to present me with a final special medal, heavy with the finest gold and encrusted with huge-carat conflict-free diamonds. Then the Nobel committee would shut down forever, declaring, “On behalf of Alfred Nobel, we can’t do better. We’re done here.”
The Dotard-Rocket Man summit could still happen. But right now I feel for the #TrumpNobel crowd.
“President Trump’s peace through strength policies are working and bringing peace to the Korean Peninsula,” the GOP lawmakers wrote to the Nobel committee on May 2. “We can think of no one more deserving of the Committee’s recognition in 2019 than President Trump for his tireless work to bring peace to our world.”
Three weeks later, not so much.
Too bad. Trump was this close to joining the pantheon of all-time historic heroes of universal peace.
He would join other Nobel Peace Prize winners such as the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Desmond Tutu, Martin Luther King, Jr., and a lot of people and organizations we’ve never heard of. Trump would be God’s greatest contemporary gift to humanity aside from Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama and Conan O’Brien.
But in his abject and selfless humility, often taking great pains to avoid being seen bending to wash and oil the feet of his base with fragrant soaps and unguents, our president cares more about his tired, poor, huddled acolytes than any accolades. So his tireless work for peace goes on.
Working for peace 24/7/365 can be tiring for most human people. But not for our president who is wide awake and unnaturally cogent at 3 a.m., thumbing peace-y tweets even to his most disturbed and misguided critics who then, convinced, moved and compelled by the president’s peace-y tweets, become peace-y too.
So even if the U.S.-North Korean summit is canceled forever, Trump believers shouldn’t give up on a Trump Nobel Prize.
Here are just eight of the many history-making, Nobel prize-worthy things our president could do to eventually preen with the cherished peace medal:
1.Stop the White House staff infighting.
Give Chief of Staff John Kelly some relief from the Millennial bottom-dwelling, nobody-else-wants-these-jobs, campaign staff must-hire daycare camp he didn’t expect to run.
Trump could call the staff together and remind everyone that no matter what their differences, they’re mostly all the same: Privileged white people with the same important goal — to get the f*** out of there with their careers, self-respect and souls that while tarnished, are salvageable. And then set up or join political and PR consulting firms to make millions from White House and Washington swamp connections they built.
And also sign on as Fox News “contributors”.
2. Free Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Even Nelson Mandela, looking down beatifically from heaven in a special place at God’s side, is saying, “Man, I don’t know what happened in her past lives, but you think this girl has suffered enough?”
3.Don’t follow your heart.
“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite must be right,” Jerry Seinfeld advised pal George Costanza in Season 5, episode 21.
On foreign policy, national security, global trade and most other issues, the president can best advance America’s security and global interests by ignoring his uninformed gut and listening to the “best people” he promised to hire.
Actually, maybe it’s better if POTUS just hands off most of the major presidential and commander-in-chief stuff to people who know what they’re doing and don’t accidentally or hangrilly get America into more ridiculous quagmire wars or other stupid needless jams that hurt us.
As the old saying goes, Mr. President, don’t just do something, stand there!
Imagine: A Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing to avoid making things worse. Sounds like the participation trophies our kids get, and they’re doing pretty great, right?
4. Pardon Hillary Clinton, Robert Mueller and James Comey.
Before they surely are arrested, indicted, tried by a Trump-appointed conservative court, found guilty, convicted and sentenced to life without parole in solitary except for stints as the most-popular prison bitches ever.
At least it’ll save these traitors from angry #AlwaysTrump mobs coming for them with torches, pitchforks, horses and other stuff necessary for drawing and quartering, and snarky misspelled ungrammatical online comments and powerfully mind-changing quips, gifs and memes posted on social media.
5. Appear to have patched things up with Melania.
Pretend to be a happy, loving married couple even if you can’t stand to be in each other’s company. You know, for the sake of the kids. Not just yours. Everyone’s.
Don’t worry if seeing the two of you being affectionate, real or fake, would make our faces melt down to our skulls like in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
6. Speaking of Nazis…
If you simply said, “Anti-Semitic fascist white supremacist haters are not so good,” you would send the liberal mainstream media into anaphylactic shock because it would completely blow up its narrative of you as an unrelenting panderer to your base’s most squalid hates and resentments of anyone who is not white.
Caution: You might also cause Fox & Friends enough stressful confusion that they leak a little pee while on camera and have to cut to commercial.
Like his high school graduating class, I vote for Brian Kilmeade as “most likely to darken his trousers when dumbfounded.”
7. Bring your unparalleled art of deal-making to engineer a merger of The New York Times and Fox News.
This would stop the national bickering about the difference between “fake news” and “news we don’t like because it doesn’t support our political views, or what we don’t understand, or are fed by our chosen media and Facebook algorithms.”
The Times could bring Fox what is called “independent journalism,” while Fox could bring the Times a sense of our nation’s cultural and intellectual decline and reason to hole up in a shack with an arsenal of assault weapons we have a God-given Second Amendment right to stockpile.
Together the Times and Fox can leverage the cost benefits and efficiencies of horizontal integration and merger synergies — whatever the hell those words mean — to fool all the people, all the time.
8. Move the U.S. embassy in Israel to a less provocative place.
Yes, moving all the office stuff again so soon sucks. Especially for the IT people who can barely contain their eye-rolling over how much non-IT people don’t understand what IT people invented.
But while Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner has the Mideast situation all figured out in ways many Nobel peace laureates never have, why not this: Move our relocated embassy in Jerusalem to a giant convoy of Winnebago RVs that drive all over the country stopping in different places every night so everyone is so confused where it is and then bored about what it means that people in the region stop messing with each other, shrug their shoulders, and move on with their lives.
These all might seem like bad ideas for Trump to win a Nobel.
Yet Trump’s acolytes have set the bar pretty low. That’s smart.
Trump’s “tireless work to bring peace to our world” without any discernible concrete results is definitely easier than winning the Nobel in physics, given last year for “decisive contributions to the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory detector and the observation of gravitational waves”.
Or a Nobel in chemistry for “developing cryo-electron microscopy for the high-resolution structure determination of biomolecules in solution”.
Or a Nobel in physiology or medicine for “discoveries of molecular mechanisms controlling the circadian rhythm”.
Or a Nobel in literature for “novels of great emotional force [that] have uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory sense of connection with the world”.
Alfred Nobel once said, “Second to agriculture, humbug is the biggest industry of our age.”
If we love to imagine Nobel spinning in his grave, someday we’ll get President Trump that Nobel Prize.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer