Everybody hates Bezos
Bringing America together again
Jeffrey Denny
Could Jeff Bezos be the next president of the United States?
Who Better Than Bezos® to unite our divided states?
Farfetched? Imagine this:
You’re at a family picnic. Uncles and cousins are fighting over Trump, J6, crime, transgender, cancel culture and wokism. You ting your beer bottle for attention and ask, “What about Jeff Bezos?”
Instantly everyone — from the progressive tatted nonbinary home from college studying gender hate to the regressive tatted transphobic fresh from loving hate at a Trump rally — joins together in boozy merriment over busting on Bezos.
Sworn family enemies become friends. Like in a TikTok video of a cat sharing Meow Mix with a bird instead of decapitating it. Kinfolk realize they’re not so different after all. Some even marry.
In fact, most American voters hate Bezos, according to a recent national poll I made up.
And don’t say widely reviled billionaires with no political experience could never be elected president.
Bezos is the universal political solvent American needs now.
Democrats hate Bezos because he’s a greedy rapacious capitalist billionaire who mistreats workers and destroys small independent business. His Amazon feeds soul- and planet-killing materialism and fills the oceans with plastic waste.
Democrats hate capitalism generally, often forgetting it made many financially comfortable enough to shop at Whole Foods and drive their kids to the finest green private schools in $100,000 Range Rovers.
But Democrats still shop at Whole Foods and Amazon.
Republicans hate Bezos because he owns the liberal Washington Post and gives to liberal causes.
Republicans also hate the elite libs who shop at Whole Foods for $3.99 bags of kale. Organic kale, because real America pesticide giant agribusiness kale isn’t healthy enough for the America-hating woke Socialist pedophile groomers.
Republicans, the standard for morally consistent, also slam the libs for being hypocrites who hate mistreatment of workers and the death of small independent businesses except when it comes to their organic kale.
But Republicans still shop at Whole Foods and Amazon.
What about the independents who refuse to take sides for or against Bezos?
Bezos Moderates are the worst of all.
“There’s nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead armadillos,” Texas populist Jim Hightower said.
But unlike Bezos-hating partisans, Bezos Moderates live free of political outrage addiction and maintain a serene Zen state. Like walking through the Whole Foods “self care” aisle with the probiotics, poultices, salves, tinctures and other fake home remedies.
Bezos Moderates are blithely free of Republican hate for the free press as delivered by the Washington Post. They appreciate that Bezos bailed out one of the greatest newspapers ever and stays out of editorial decisions.
Bezos Moderates trust real professional mainstream journalism that challenges power as our Founders hoped. They aren’t suckered by Fox and other billionaire Rupert Murdoch media that attacks real journalism for market share and deliberately feeds manure to mushrooms while laughing at them all the way to Jackson Hole.
Bezos Moderates also don’t share Republican revulsion over Bezos giving away billions to fight homelessness and the climate crisis.
Bezo Moderates are also blithely free of Democratic guilt for shopping with a billionaire capitalist who, despite supporting their causes, isn’t progressive enough.
They’re pleased that the groceries they choose to buy from Whole Foods are often far fresher, healthier, and better than at the big grocery chains, and support small organic farms, and thus cost more.
What’s more, Bezos Moderates recognize that Whole Foods, through free-market competition, forced the big dominate grocery conglomerates to do better.
That’s why the big grocery chains now offer fresher produce and dairy, finer meats, poultry and seafood, and altogether healthier foods and choices from actual farms and fisheries.
(Remember when we only bought “fresh fish” at Safeway if we enjoyed long hours in the loo? And the produce made you hate produce? Yeah, the grocer still called itself “Safeway.”)
Not to pick more on Bezos-hating Democrats, but Bezo Moderates lack the liberal magical thinking that America should be more like Europe.
Or rather, their fantasy of Europe. The good parts. Experienced during senior year abroad, vacation, foreign service or NGO jobs, or compelling New York Times, New Yorker, or Atlantic articles citing research studies from Europe.
Bezos Moderates accept this uncomfortable truth:
Most Americans can’t do their grocery shopping at wonderful weekend farmer’s markets featuring delightful locavore and sensitively raised kale and butchered animals. Let alone on foot or bike with screaming children as parents balancing work and life and kid sports and activities shamefully own an SUV to make their lives livable and destroys the planet only partially if it’s hybrid.
Bezos Moderates often enjoy the next best realistic option to farmer’s markets, which is Whole Foods.
Bezos Moderates also don’t sadly carry around their decapitated heads like martyred cephalophores when they order the goods they need on Amazon.
They don’t fret that they should be walking or biking to support their wonderful local mom-and-pop dry goods general stores in their charming white urban villages (in majority nonwhite cities) that replicate the wealthy white New England villages where they love to summer.
Bezos Moderates enjoy ordering goods in their pajamas instead of choking the roads and planet by driving for them. And the goods arrive on their doorsteps tomorrow. Like if they’re out of shameful disposable diapers.
Best of all, Bezos Moderates are thrilled that he might buy the hapless Washington Nationals baseball team and best of all, rid Washington, DC, of Dan Snyder, the despicable owner of the Washington Commanders football team.
Last year, even with economist hair in flames about pending recession doom, Amazon’s net sales jumped 9 percent, faster than inflation, with net sales of $514 billion.
This can’t be just from Bezos Moderates who don’t politicize shopping for food or goods. There must be at least a smattering of Bezos-hating Republicans and Democrats swallowing their righteous politics. Maybe a lot do. Lesson for us all.
President Jeff Bezos: A $10 Garlic Herb Rotisserie Chicken in Every Pot.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer and Bezos Moderate.
