First test: Tesla’s self-flying car

The future is more amazeballs than it used to be

Jeffrey Denny
4 min readJan 15, 2025

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Jeffrey Denny

Even as a socially diagnosed PWL — Person With Logorrhea —I was speechless.

That was my amygdala hijack reaction when AI Elon Musk sent me a Neuralink mindtext from his cryogenic compound at a remote location in the omniverse inviting me to test “drive” the new Tesla Volantes Terrafugia personal self-flying car.

My heart was going mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. When I’m sexually overwhelmed I tend to blurt James Joyce. Once an insufferable English major ….

I wasn’t wrong. At first sight of Terrafugia’s styling I found lyrically obsessive love. Yes I will Yes.

It gave sporty compact B-2 stealth bomber flying-wing vibes with Cybertruck sensuality. No surprise, since the internet says everyone is warm to Cybertruck’s rizzler form. And Musk bought the entire $1 trillion U.S. Military Industrial Complex from President for Life Donald Trump for parts, secret cool ideas and satoshis on the dogecoin.

After applying my Ashtanga yoga poses to origami into the tight cockpit that’s definitely not slay for cheugy Boomers, I clicked the Tesla app on my latest iPhone Infinity and selected the option, “Fly Like An Eagle.”

Within nanoseconds with g-speed that distorted my face like Munch’s Scream, I soared a few thousand aerial laps up, down and across Trumpmerica, from the North to South Trump Poles and all the Trump manifest-destiny lands, seas and air rights.

I hesitate to describe my involuntary physical reaction in polite company. Suffice that in excited delight I tinkled my Musk Jeans® that everyone’s wearing. Like the First Lady does when she hears The President for Life is traveling for work, looking for more worlds to conquer. Unlike that weeping weakling Alexander the so-called “great.”

Anyway, the dream of every Boomer lad who preferred Popular Mechanics and became a tech billionaire Trump supplicant over Mad magazine that inspired liberal losers like me who mock Trump has finally come true.

Tech nerds have beaten word nerds in the old uncivil nerd fratricide war. Like making it ok to say “DevOps” without sarcasm. And now from personal experience, I can testify that a self-flying car is more fun than any Alfred E. Neuman furshlugginer potrzebie.

Indeed, I kept thinking, “What, me worry?” as I let the Terrafugia — the Freak Balls Edition with Secretlab Titan Evo gaming seats and twice the micronuclear power — do the flying. While I scrolled X for the latest Fox Ministry of Truth inspirational slogans to live by.

Letting the Tesla app decide my journey based on how Siri interpreted my thoughts and nightmares, I slalomed like a black diamond skier through clouds of drones over New Jersey. Chortled high above the smattering of Washington, DC, rush hour commuters heading to the few remaining government offices. Sobbed at the poor slobs dealing with climate disasters they brought upon themselves with their climate denial. And banked up close and personal to see Trump’s face on Mount Rushmore where racist Lincoln used to be.

To test the Terrafugia’s usability in real life, I touched down and parked wherever I wanted. I lunched at one of the 20 million Trumpburder locations for a healthy 5,000-calorie Trumpmeal, took in a compulsory holographic Trump dance rally, and literally flew through a Trump immigration checkpoint because my bronzer is lighter than his and my Neuralink has my papers.

What about range anxiety?

Many ignorant followers worry about how long my trip lasted without recharging at one of Tesla’s TrumpGlobal nuclear recharging stations.

They wonder if I would crash and burn like the Cybertruck marketing team when the alerts suggest “mayday! mayday!” and I should eject and parachute to safety like the washed-out Slider in the original “Top Gun.”

But they forget that Musk, in his brilliance, not only discovered ways to defy the former U.S. Constitution (now the Trumpstitution), but also Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation. As Trump himself proved, what goes up doesn’t necessarily need to come down. Often up is down and vice versa.

Ialso trust Tesla’s pioneering entry into the self-flying car market.

Thanks to his empowering self-belief that inspires his Gen X as well as Millennials, Gen Z and probably Gen A alike, I’m convinced Musk completely solved all the problems that bedeviled the self-driving terracars.

And I’m no Luddite who supports greedy fossil fuel billionaires who are destroying our planet like wealthy libs in walkable cities who drive their three kids a mile to their green private schools in Range Rovers and jet first class to global climate conferences.

I believe Musk’s highly advanced digital engineers who don’t understand normal people — i.e., users struggling with their amazing technology — have overcome ridiculous human emotions such as fear of fiery death. Or AI computer self-awareness leading inexorably to the Robot Apocalypse as the Bible foretold in Revelation 7. (AI was the fifth Horseman.)

This was pretty prescient in 70 AD when high-tech was public hygiene, road signs and surgical clamps.

So I didn’t worry that when “I” landed and asked the Tesla Volantes Terrafugia to open the doors so I could get out, it replied in a polite yet sinister passive-aggressive way like an Uber driver you ignored as he told his harrowing immigration story, “I’m sorry Jeff, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Even after my fifth hour trapped on the ground, like some lowly American Airlines passenger at Dallas Fort-Worth.

A Tesla spokesbot expressed sincere apologies and said it’s still deciding whether bugs are features or vice versa.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny
Jeffrey Denny

Written by Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.

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