Got the fever in me
Tips to do the flu right
Jeffrey Denny
The 2020 flu season could be the deadliest epidemic in human history, according to cable news channels grasping for ad revenue by alarming mostly older viewers.
The current flu epidemic is being caused by climate change, according to climate change deniers posting sarcastic memes. It’s the worst flu ever, according to people who are sure their flu is the worst ever.
Flu symptoms can include cough, sore throat, runny nose, body aches, chills, fatigue and sometimes vomiting or diarrhea, and also sometimes fever, according to the socialist liberal deep-state tax-sucking do-nothing government bureaucrat medical professionals at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.
Real Americans know the best flu treatment is to rest, drink plenty of fluids, and moan loudly to the extent that your neighbors envy your sex life. Also try these tips:
1. Beer is a fluid — drink up.
You’re woozy and incoherent anyway, and in no condition to drive, operate heavy machinery or talk to your boss about an important project you’re way behind on.
Plus, beer is a key source of magnesium and potassium your body needs to get well, back to work and failing at your job except for team-building happy hours.
2.Command all that you survey.
In normal life, you can’t act kingly or queenly, like the historic British monarchs or modern royalty such as Jay-Z/Beyoncé; Ivanka/Jared; Colin/Scarlett; Ellen/Portia; Brad/Next and the Sharks (Baby, Mommy, Daddy, et alia.).
When hale and hearty, you can’t summon your royal subjects; i.e, loved ones, to wait on you hand and foot, serve at your beck and call, and suffer your every last and specific need as it should arise.
When you’re sick, however, you can be Henry VIII, voted the worst king in history, according to the Guardian, a notorious “self-indulgent wife murderer and tyrant,” “syphilitic,” and most evil of all, “obsessive.” Like when you need the blanket your mate put on you folded just exactly so.
Indulge this rare opportunity to rule, and enjoy.
Warning: Loved ones eventually may start to act resentful. They’ll say things like, “How about if you get it yourself, dear,” or “It’s just a flu — I’m not your fugging slave,” or “No, sorry, if you want a perfectly charcoaled medium-rare dry-aged Porterhouse with cheesy mashed potatoes with sour cream and bacon, paired perfectly with a $400 Guigal Cote Rotie La Landonne, then you’re about ready to get up and take care of yourself.”
But if loved ones deny you the pleasures you require, nay, deserve, remind/guilt them with, “Hey! I’m dying here! Don’t you care about me?”
3. Be your worst self.
We all have a dark side. A mean, ugly, angry, vengeful, hateful “Game of Thrones” personality that wants to defeat, nay, eviscerate our enemies, and tweet our nastiest thoughts and feelings to the entire world. If only we were president, lacked normal adult self-control, and had 25 percent of America chanting hells yah!
Even our National Treasure, God’s Only Son and Mister Nice Guy, Tom Hanks, allegedly once stepped on a crack, completely indifferent to the potential damage to his mother’s back, according to inside sources who spoke to TMZ on background.
While on the flu, let your dark flag fly! Shout at loved ones over ridiculous nothing, like when they bring you the wrong brand of ginger ale after they checked every 7–11 in a 50-mile radius. (“I said Vernors, not Canada Dry, you drooling numbskull! I’m from Detroit, not Toronto, duh!”)
Also, sucker punch anyone who says, “Did you get a flu shot? No? You should have gotten a flu shot.”
You can also tell people what you really think of them and their ignorant political views. You’re delirious. They’ll understand. And maybe even learn something invaluable to their personal growth, the 2020 vote and our nation.
4. Safeguard your privacy.
No, not from internet scammers as your dark side, in your fevered delirium, boredom-shops BDM websites. (Not that I know what “BDM” is.)
I mean, if you have more than one bathroom, take control of the facilities farthest from loved ones. They don’t need to know you so completely, including all the sounds you make when on the flu.
If you have just one bathroom, direct your loved ones to use the nearest McDonald’s facilities to conduct their ablutions and other human needs for the duration of your malady. Boundaries, people!
5. Respect all humanity.
The flu, whoever we are, however we identify, makes us all the same pathetic mammals. At any given moment, a gun-packing, liberal-hating Rust Belt MAGA is “driving the Buick” at the same time as a Bernie-loving, gun-taking, LGBTQ+ progressive snowflake at Berkeley.
Maybe you wonder, in your feverishly hallucinatory state when horrible old earworms like from Captain & Tennille weirdly reemerge, whether bugs can keep us together.
6. Prep for recovery.
Someday your body will cease its unspeakable emissions. Your fever will subside. You’ll realize, hey, it was just a flu. You’ll live again to walk the Earth, smell the flowers, and thrill in life’s rich pageant. And go back to normal life with all its beauty and slog.
Plan ahead. Line up the apologies for all the people who suffered along with you. Change the sheets, towels and pajamas, for god’s sake. Answer the ignored emails, sort the real mail, and “circle up” with colleagues who got your work dumped on them and could not complain because you had a deadly flu.
Best of all, eat! You’re skin and bones! You lost a ton of weight being sick. Look at you — you look fantastic. Eat everything your body says it needs to get better.
I’d start with a perfectly charcoaled medium-rare dry-aged Porterhouse with cheesy mashed potatoes with sour cream and bacon, paired with a $400 Guigal Cote Rotie La Landonne.
Be well.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
