Halloween tips for proper ghosting
Don’t be scary
Jeffrey Denny
I was distraught for all of us who are dating, that breaking up via silence is somehow acceptable. — Washington Post writer/editor Lisa Bonos
Ghosting dates is cowardly, dastardly, bastardly, cruelly insensitive and altogether terrible, horrible, and no good plus very bad.
There are respectful ways to end a long-term committed relationship after the first date, especially if you’re a ghost and it’s Halloween:
Apologize.
Confess that your calendar really actually is deadly, not just what living people say when they don’t want to get together, not even remotely in all senses of the word.
In this case, you forgot you scheduled your usual Halloween midnight haunted-house ghost tour and would have to pay a $5 surcharge if you canceled at the last minute. But you don’t carry cash because it literally falls right through your pockets.
Explain to date that, as usual, you planned to visit old haunts with other dead friends and as usual, quip, “I see dead people!” which will elicit the usual ghost boos and groans.
Be honest.
Especially on All Saint’s Eve that commemorates the faithful departed.
For instance, you planned a second date with a U.S. Army major to come over to hand out candy together (major step in the relationship!).
But you had second thoughts, even though you’re a dead anti-vax patriot who supports the troops. Nevertheless, out of respect for his service, don’t ghost.
Instead, urge him to wear his “sexy” combat camouflage uniform. When he shows up, say, “I’m really sorry — I literally can’t see you anymore.” If he’s confused and presses, add, “Well, if I can be honest, you seem to be a bit of a chameleon.”
Don’t make “trick or treat” a hollow threat.
When your date won’t share his leftover Halloween sack of Fun Size Snickers®, even though you’ve been out and “together” several times, that’s a giant red-flag narcissist gaslighting deal-breaker.
But don’t immediately ghost him as advised by ~20,000 Medium relationship writers who are expert in diagnosing narcissism without professional clinical training.
Before you disappear, donate his Halloween sack of Fun Size Snickers® to a children’s charity so the poor kids will at least glimpse a happy Halloween and also develop childhood diabetes.
Trick! Put that on his selfish conscience!
Sidebar: It’s amazing that even with all their giant flapping red flags, the Communist Chinese still manage to get together and make their relationships work. Why can’t Americans, if we want to be competitive on the global market? All we have are Cincinnati and Boston baseball fans with their red pennants who couple and procreate, win or lose, thanks to countless warm $12 ballpark beers.
It’s not ok to ghost even if you’re a ghost.
Like MAGA men, Fox “personalities,” and Mark Zuckerberg, as a ghost you may lack normal human emotions, empathy and ability to express feelings in a healthy way.
You also probably have a deadly calendar of haunting. Stress doesn’t bring out our best selves, even after it kills us.
But don’t mess your date’s heart by vanishing like fiancées who during the wedding planning realize their fiancés are horrible narcissists who gaslight they are fine with the cake when they’re not really because the baker seemed LGBTQIA+.
Let your date know right away in the gentlest terms that you don’t feel it’s going to work out. Say it’s about you, not her, even though you know she can see right through you. You’re dealing with a lot of afterlife stuff, such as family fighting over your stuff.
But tell your date she’s an amazing living person who certainly will find another amazing living person who’s a better fit.
Warning: Your date might find your use of “afterlife stuff” and “living person” hilarious and argue back that you’re perfect together because you made her laugh and, as her dating site made clear, she loves to laugh.
Your date then diagnoses that you’re pushing her away because you’re frightened of real love intimacy and have other psychological stuff that we can work on you together.
In which case, do this: Pause, reach for her hands, look her in the eye, and sadly say, “I’m sorry. I need to be completely honest even if it hurts. You’re alive. I’m dead. Actually, not metaphorically. That’s why your hands slipped right through mine so you held your own hands.”
Avoid saying, “Which was really cute, by the way,” because that would only make her laugh and redouble her intention to make things work despite your mortal differences like Demi Moore tried with Patrick Swayze.
Be a good ghost.
If you’re a real actual ghost, not just faking it to get out of dating the wrong person or taxes, try not to be one of those scary ghosts.
You know, like in the ~20,000 scary ghost movies such as “The Haunting,” “The Shining,” “Paranormal Activity,” “Poltergeist,” “The Ring,” “Beetlejuice,” or the “Ghostbusters” franchise, especially the last and ghastly “Ghostbusters: Afterlife.”
Certainly don’t be the scariest ghost of all, “Casper the Friendly Ghost,” who only pretended to be friendly to win your trust and then mess with you, like a classic narcissist or disgraced Catholic priest.
The warning is right in the old Casper cartoon jingle: Casper, the friendly ghost/The friendliest ghost you know/Though grown-ups might/Look at him with fright/The children all love him so.
Scary!
My advice: Don’t ghost on Halloween.
There are too many frightening puns about.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
