Handy religions for Covid vaccine exemptions
Options for the sacrilegious
Jeffrey Denny
Vaccine-resistant workers are sharing tips online for requesting exemptions to the requirements on religious grounds; others are submitting letters from far-flung religious authorities who have advertised their willingness to help. — The New York Times, Sept. 11, 2021
Looking for a religion to avoid a Covid vaccination without the muss and fuss of having real religious faith?
Try these:
Latvian Orthodox
It’s a beautiful religion, not whatsoever, as Frank Costanza screamed, “Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?!”
Still, according to the teachings of “Seinfeld,” Latvian Orthodox seems a little … squirrely.
Apparently, you can easily convert to be in a relationship with a hot Latvian Orthodox.
You’re also welcomed into the faith even if you cheat on your conversion test by writing the answers on your hand, which the Latvian Orthodox fathers don’t seem to notice.
Best of all, as Cosmo Kramer discovered, an attractive novice (a nun in training), will give you a Slinky to flirt and then renounce her faith to be with you, if you have the kavorka, “the lure of the animal.”
Most men think they have the kavorka and hold up fish on dating sites to prove it. So go ahead, dudes, convert to Latvian Orthodox both for the dating and the vaccine avoidance.
Your Own Personal Jesus
According to the Creator, Depeche Mode, if you’re feeling unknown, and you’re all alone, flesh and bone, by the telephone, lift up the receiver, I’ll make you a believer.
National Rifle Association
Wait, what?! I’m saying gun rights are a religion?
Yep, according to gun patriots, especially the few, the proud, the brave Semper Fidelis Capitol insurrection sedition White idiot rioters cosplaying as righteous Freedom Fighters. And then pleading ignorance or insanity to get off like they say the not-White criminals do.
Like religious people, gun acolytes believe what they want to believe and hate apostates who ask how far gun rights should go, like, allowing no-permit, open-carry machine guns? How about Howitzers? Man-portable rocket launchers? After all, “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” is right there in the Bible.
Best of all, NRA confession is easy. When your gun freedom results in the slaughter of innocent children at schools and city streets, no guilt, no penance — just post a few thoughts and prayers and attack Black Democrat city mayors for being weak on crime.
The Faith of the Seven
For those like me who’ve never watched even a single episode of “Game of Thrones,” this is the dominant religion in Westeros.
The HBO series is completely fictional. Except for fans who can’t tell fiction from reality. Perfect for anti-vaxxers!
Evangelical Christianity
It’s almost as fire-and-brimstone as the Taliban’s mix of Deobandi fundamentalism and militant Islamism, but without the fatwah and beheading stuff. Although with the Texan “Handmaid’s Tale” Republic of Gilead subjugation of women. If you like that sort of thing.
The God-blessed difference between the Afghan Taliban and the Texan Taliban is the latter believers follow millionaire mega-church preachers preening around in Bentley convertibles and caught doing naughty stuff that’s beyond Biblical.
Best of all, Christian Evangelicals not only forgive but adore their Own Personal Jesus, Our Lord the Savior Donald Trump, for his hatin’, fornicatin’, gluttonin’, greedin’, adulteratin’, justice obstructin’ and every other deadly sin.
Message: You can do whatever you want, including sicken and kill innocent people by spreading a deadly pandemic, and God will still welcome you to heaven with open arms — of course, as long as you support the Handmaid’s Tale thing.
Atheism
Some folks are so adamant in their belief there’s no God or gods, such as Jehovah, Jeopardy!, Allah, Ali G, Zoroaster, Zoolander, Jimi Hendrix, Prince, the remaining Beatles, They Might Be Giants, Chips Ahoy (the official cookie of the U.S. Navy), Yahweh, Mahwah or Metuchen, that their atheism is like a religion.
Many atheists proselytize their hardcore non-beliefs like a hardcore Evangelical Christian preacher.
Register as an atheist at atheists.org, which is fighting for religious freedom, and bring your official atheist religion card to work.
When your boss at I Can’t Believe It’s An Airline says unless you’re vaxxed you can’t come back to your flight attendant job working horrible hours for bad pay in small spaces packed with large angry people, tell him you don’t believe in anything anymore, and life is meaningless.
For all you care, the plane can suck geese, and crash and kill everyone because it’ll end this dreary life and there’s no heaven or hell or afterlife whatsoever.
Warning: Your boss might say congratulations, believing there’s no God is the #1 success factor in working for an airline. Forget the vax. Come back to work with a major 2 percent bonus!
Nihilism
If you’re so morally degraded that you would actually lie about religion to avoid a vaccine, if you love daring karma, if you don’t care about the tens of thousands of intubated Covid patients crowding hospitals and fighting for breath and life (and one day might be you), then nihilism may be the faith for you.
With apologies to Boy George/Culture Club, call it “Church of the Poison Mind.”
You’ll even cherry-pick Bible quotes to justify your mortal sin. Like the vax resister who spoke with The New York Times and proudly cited the New Testament: “Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit.”
Maybe the so-called afterlife has a place for these people.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
