Stressing about post-Covid socializing? Try Uncomfortable Furniture®
Resists pesky guests
Jeffrey Denny
Do you miss the Covid quarantining and distancing?
Are you terrorized and traumatized by the threat of normal socializing?
Are you an amazing introvert who shudders at the thought of having friends or family over for dinner? Or even worse, hosting them for the weekend?
Uncomfortable Furniture® is the home décor you’ve been waiting for.
Our inspired collection relieves you of the discomfort of being rude to guests. We help you send a silent but clear message: Get out. Go home. I don’t care if you just got here.
Uncomfortable Furniture® is designed and built on the latest scientific research.
Studies show that comfortable guests can be interminable guests.
That’s why our delightfully torturous furniture is designed by leading sadistic orthopedists in collaboration with Russia’s AvtoVAZ Lada automobile seat division to be “exquisitely painful, even debilitating,” according to the journal of uncomfortable furniture, Uncomfortable Furniture Journal.
Surveys by the Uncomfortable Furniture Institute at Hardwood University found that, post-Covid, up to 100% of Americans don’t want any visitors ever again. “People got so comfortable being left alone they started loving it,” Institute chair Dr. Chesterfield Davenport said.
The de-socializing trend is just beginning to trend on social media. “With the Metaverse coming, the old idea that ‘people who need people are the luckiest people in the world’ will be more obsolete than Barbra Streisand,” Davenport said.
Uncomfortable Furniture is ahead of trend.
Check out our top sellers that are making the internet soil itself like an excited MAGA at a Trump rally:
Sleek European Modernist Sofas®
Sometimes even Design Within Reach is too comfortable.
Uncomfortable Furniture’s even thinner Italianate cushions, faux chrome arms and blinding white pleather are so design-forward that your guests would rather stand in spite of their deteriorating L4-L5 vertebrae and searing back pain. They also fear staining the pristine white sofa with their blue jeans even though their jeans are factory-distressed.
Guests will chat briefly feigning interest in the conversation, gobble whatever amuse-bouche, amuse-gueule or crudités are extant, and French exit without the least au revoir. This is parfait.
HERTBÄK®
Our superior Cheap Pine Norwegian Wood bedframes, threadbare beddings, and Swedish Bohus granite mattresses are beloved by flinty New Englanders, nervous Subaru drivers, entitled cyclists, food-sensitive vegans and other superior people.
Clinical masochists especially love HERTBÄK®.
Your overnight guests will select an AirBNB rather than sleep in your “guest room” basement or garage.
NotMyPillow®
Stuffed with shredded ballots, our pillows will guarantee your guests are up before dawn so you can discuss over coffee how you believe the 2020 election was definitely rigged against Trump.
Your guests will clear out before you even start breakfast.
Midcentury Repugnant®
Architects once adored the low ceilings, tiny windows, unadorned prison cell design, abhorrent veneered blonde furniture, and suicidal ennui of the split-level, garage-forward suburban tract homes.
You can bring back the 1950–60s sensibility, battling alcoholic parents and your unhappy childhood with our Twin Hard Beds® collection.
The original twin hard beds once kept marriages together by sleeping apart and waking up in agonizing pain to share over a cup of Folgers.
Our Twin Hard Beds® bring back the days when seething couples stayed together for the sake of the kids who secretly rooted for divorce and then enjoyed lifelong therapy.
Although seething parents today would enjoy hand-picked single-source hand-ground coffee beans instead of Folgers as they plotted their escape and new life.
UnPostureUnTemperPedic®
Our collection of Sleepless Mattresses®, stuffed with genuine, locavore American petroleum-based foam, are sure to make your guests rue the day (and night!) you welcomed them to sleep over.
Our patented Forget Foam®, Heat Foam®, Snore Foam®, and UnAdjustable® mattresses are designed in collaboration with Red Roof Inn for the perfect sleeping system that limits blood flow to extremities while welcoming bed vermin. We make dreams.
Founding Fathers Traditional®
If you’ve been to Mount Vernon, Monticello, Montpelier or other Founders’ homes, you can see from their ascetically severe furniture why the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution have a cranky tone.
With our Founding Fathers Traditional sitting room and dining chairs, you will endow guests with the inalienable right to leave soonest to avoid the pain and swelling of hemorrhoidal tissue.
If in-laws demand to visit for a week or more, also see our Founding Fathers Bareboned Slave Quarters® collection. They’re sure not to love the dirt floors.
Painful Event Seating®
Whether for a wedding, retirement, forced retirement, forced wedding, or other wonderful celebrations, our rickety cost-efficient folding chairs can make even the last diehard guest nobody knows, such as the cousin of an uncle of a friend of a second cousin’s fraternity brother, leave on account of his chronic L4-L5 back pain.
Caligula Garden Collection®
Choose from our Wrought Iron Patio Seating®, Splintery Adirondack Chairs®, or Midwest Rusty Garage Sale Webbed Lawn Chairs with Spider Nests®.
For a French twist, try our Classic Webbed Chaise Lounge®, which is French for stupid fat ugly Americans.
Don’t forget to bedeck your beautiful gardens with standing pools of water to breed desperate mosquitoes. Or, for urbanites entertaining on decks, scatter trash for rats to greet and scatter guests.
Unbalanced Home Barstools®
Even better than in the old honkytonk bars, we make the barstools in our Open Kitchen Island Bar® and Remodeled Basement Bar® so rickety that after even one taste of locavore small-batch scotch your guests will fall off and further damage their L4 and L5 vertebrae.
Best of all, the ones who brung them will call and Uber home together before things get even worse.
Uncomfortable Furniture says forget the guilt about deliberately distancing.
People who inexplicably love and want to spend time with you will blame the furniture, not you, when they want to go home and be alone.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
