Hillary Clinton’s impeachment
Not if, but when
WASHINGTON, DC, April 1, 2018 — The impeachment process against President Hillary Clinton, which began moments after her January 20, 2017 swearing in, continues unabated well into her second year in office.
While the U.S. House Judiciary Committee’s GOP majority, Fox News Network, and other Moscow-based political, media and digital investigators and troll farms struggle to assemble any shred of evidence of her high crimes and misdemeanors, they are vowing not to let up.
“Millions of Trump voters are still demanding that we lock ‘er up,” a GOP spokesperson said from an undisclosed location in the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod. “The U.S. judicial system with its ridiculous rule of law, due process, and the whole ‘innocent until proven guilty’ thing doesn’t make life easy for us.”
The GOP source also said, “We’re not looking for a life sentence or the death penalty per se. But we’re determined to frog-walk a shackled Clinton in an orange pantsuit because the optics would completely break the internet and Amerika. We don’t know how yet. But as Gary Oldman said in that Churchill movie, we shall never surrender!”
No stone unturned
The GOP committee so far has held over 7,000 hours of hearings and called 2,300 witnesses.
The panel also has subpoenaed roughly infinity amount of documents. These include emails, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest and other social media posts; Outlook calendars, restaurant checks, and flight records involving dead puppies; Fitbit exercise data and 23andMe Ancestry Testing results; Grubhub orders, Yelp reviews and Huffington Post articles by highly sensitive people celebrating highly sensitive people; and transcripts from the Rachel Maddow program on MSNBC.
Other targets of what some call a “fishing expedition” include the best thin-sliced smoked salmon outside Zabar’s.
Lawmakers are seeking information to shed light on any misdeeds of the president, her administration, and anyone who has ever known, met, voted for, or been related to her in any way.
The nearly 70 million persons of interest begin with the First Gentleman and former president Bill Clinton, and go back to DeWitt Clinton, the so-called “Father of the Erie Canal,” since sources have disclosed on deep background the Clintons share the same last name.
Other Clintons including musician George Clinton of the 1970s soul/funk band Parliament-Funkadelic, and 19th century British Conservative politician Charles Henry Rolle Hepburn-Stuart-Forbes-Trefusis, 20th Baron Clinton, have been cleared on an initial basis.
Clinton sails through hearings
President Clinton herself testified before the House committee for 92 days straight without eating, sleeping, taking a sip of water with two tiny trembling hands or changing her expensive, stylish pantsuit/Lean-In superhero costume. She also waved off a quick, $2,000 New York stylist wash and blowout since her natural quiff does not require any elaborate fabrication to stay in place.
The water-boarding “wasn’t happy for anyone,” she said. While famished, parched and weary, she left the hearings smiling after agreeing to take selfies with the water-boarding staff who liked her once they met her in person.
“I’ll be back in the Oval Office working for the American people and creating jobs and equality for all people first thing tomorrow,” she said.
Independent Counsel Jeb Bush, the former Republican Florida governor appointed by Clinton’s attorney general, the former U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) — both selected to head off Fox conspiracy theories— is also straining to find any evidence to file charges against the president.
“We got bupkis,” a well placed source with the Bush probe who is Phillips Exeter boarding-school WASP but had a Jewish roommate at Columbia University said. “But we’re doing our best to fulfill our congressional mandate and spend our $10 billion in funding. We have more office supplies here than Staples.
“Either President Clinton is completely clean or she’s heading the most awesome deep-state Russian espionage campaign against America since Mark ‘Vladimir’ Zuckerberg launched Facebook,” the source continued.
Suspicious lack of evidence
The mounting allegations against Clinton so far include winning the presidency in spite of extensive manipulation of gullible Facebook members by Russian trolls and bots, including alt-right media stars Sean Hannity and Tomi Lahren, and Steve Bannon via the Robert and Rebekah Mercer-funded Cambridge Analytica data mining, misuse and exploitation firm.
Other suspected high crimes and misdemeanors include the commonly cited perjury of oath, abuse of authority, bribery, intimidation, misuse of assets, failure to supervise, dereliction of duty and refusal to obey an unlawful order.
Investigators are further looking into evidence of murder, accessory to murder, murder she wrote, murder most foul, and murder on the Orient Express because in the Agatha Christie mystery novel everyone on the train at first had airtight “proof” of innocence.
President Clinton has been known to take Amtrak to and from her Chappaqua, New York, home and Washington, DC.
“Like always with the Clintons, the lack of evidence is proof of guilt,” a GOP investigator said. “It’s the classic dog that didn’t bark. Or the man who wasn’t there. Or … whatever. The writers are still working on the quotes,” he said.
Misuse of Twitter
House Judiciary Republicans did finalize their investigation into one key allegation, that Clinton had committed a lesser but still important high crime and misdemeanor known as “conduct unbecoming.”
According to committee sources, Clinton once misused Twitter, which is intended for reasonable public comment and discussion, to “slander” U.S. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC).
Rep. Gowdy is known for leading the two-year, $8 million probe of Clinton over the deadly 2012 attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya, when she was President Barack Obama’s Secretary of State.
While the Benghazi probe was inconclusive, Gowdy has endorsed the continued GOP pursuit of Clinton, saying it’s “literally a witch hunt, like, you know, we’re in an actual hunt for an actual witch.
“All we want to say is, ‘Ding dong the witch is dead’,” Gowdy said.
The GOP report said Clinton harmed Gowdy when she used Twitter to respond to his witch references, calling them “outrageous, sexist, entirely inappropriate and offensive to Wiccans.”
In response, the GOP committee report stated, “Using Twitter to insult and denigrate individuals, especially public officials, is quite clearly conduct unbecoming the President of the United States, our Commander in Chief and leader of the free world.”
Separately, Independent Counsel Bush continues looking into whether the president’s hearty laugh, popularity among intelligent Americans, and designation as Gallup’s “most admired woman” is further evidence of her venality if not corruption.
Clinton team suspiciously effective
Other U.S. House and Senate GOP committee majorities in Congress continue to investigate an estimated 100 percent of Clinton’s campaign and White House staff, cabinet members and subordinates and others among her 4,000 political appointees.
That includes her 1,200 senior officials who already have survived and been approved by the lengthy and grueling GOP Senate confirmation process specially tailored for Clinton nominees, referred to by both parties as a “chain-saw colonoscopy.”
Investigators are especially troubled by how Clinton assembled her administration as quickly as other modern presidents. The Clinton team seems to work smoothly and efficiently “like a Swiss watch,” a source warned, noting that Switzerland is run by European-style socialists.
Clinton allegedly appointed experienced, talented and public-spirited professionals from across the spectrum of the nation’s most respected public, private and nonprofit leadership ranks.
All Clinton appointees were eager to serve her administration instead of fearing the job would ruin their reputations, careers and friendships. They also were not concerned about being publicly tortured for months and then fired on Twitter without prior notice for offering their experienced advice and counsel on behalf of the public instead of boot-licking, soul-selling loyalty to the president.
“Instead of stabbing them in the backs and relishing it, she backs her people up,” one source said. “Failing to use Twitter to insult and denigrate individuals, especially public officials, is quite clearly conduct unbecoming the President of the United States, our Commander in Chief and leader of the free world.”
Clinton’s White House also lacks the turnover, turmoil, back-biting, public shaming, firing, desperate cries of “if there is a God anymore, please rescue me!” and other drama her 2016 electoral opponent, Donald Trump, promised to bring to office, investigators noted.
Failing to do a terrible job
Also of major concern, Clinton’s cabinet members appear to be carrying out the mission of the federal agencies she appointed them to lead, instead of doing exactly the opposite by cutting budgets and staff, stopping their work, and flying first class to events in posh places to praise the president.
The Clinton team’s commitment to good governance directly defies the clear mandate of the “Trump base.”
Representing a dwindling but powerful part of the electorate thanks to GOP gerrymandering, the Trump base — which is especially susceptible to right-wing media manipulation — has called for highly inexperienced, unqualified leaders in Washington to reverse decades of progress.
“Trumpsters” have demanded making the nation’s healthcare system, public schools, land, water and air, housing, financial system, global trade, consumer protections and everything else substantially worse. The base also embraces GOP measures that will undermine Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and other entitlements they depend on. When the Trump base is hurt the most, it will be even more resentful and manipulable to cast further blame on Washington “elites,” “liberals,” “globalists” and “the swamp” for its woes.
On a separate front, investigators note that President Clinton has resisted calls to Twitter-fire her Secretary of State, Huma Mahmood Abedin, for being diplomatic and advancing America’s standing in the world as a beacon for freedom and democracy, and also being an illegal criminal immigrant Muslim jihadist as indicated by her name.
Abedin, sources note, also was married to a convicted sexual predator, Anthony Weiner, whose crime was to awkwardly encounter women online instead of grabbing them in person. Weiner also failed to have actual physical sex with a porn star while his third wife tended to their newborn son.
Trump not surrendering
Trump TV, the cable and satellite network, founded by 2016 presidential nominee Donald Trump following his electoral loss, has emerged as the leading 24-hour source of news and views about President Clinton’s administration, including the popular “Crooked Hillary” program that runs all day and most of the night.
The Fox News Network, which has been losing viewers and ad revenue to Trump TV, reportedly is seeking a buyout by the Trump Organization for pennies on the dollar after which it will go bankrupt and cheat contractors, investors and workers out of owed money.
“We tried but we can’t compete with Trump’s complete disregard for truth and pandering to America’s basest impulses,” a Fox spokesperson said.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer