Huffington Post guide to talking woke
Best say bupkis
If you’re like me — and I hope you’re not — you get irritating pleasure from reading Huffington Post “what not to say” posts.
HuffPo features jejune yet preternaturally wise culture “journalists” who patiently school dummies like me, even if we’re already wool-dyed libs, what never to say to anyone, anytime, anywhere, no matter what.
Even though Verizon Media bought and then sold HuffPo to Buzzfeed Inc., in a multimillion-dollar stock deal to jump-start growth to further enrich stockholders, HuffPo writers can still teach us how to talk progressive woke.
For starters, never ever think, post or blurt anything remotely clumsy — dumb, drunk or concussed is no excuse — that lacks awareness of the ever-shifting verboten terminology lest anyone be in earshot. Like calling the big shopping day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday” instead of the less fraught, “big shopping day after Thanksgiving.”
This life-saving guidance is especially important if anyone in earshot is a highly sensitive, antisocial, easily triggered Pecksniffian language vigilante.
These amazing people feel human injustices deeper than most humans, thrill in taking righteous offense, torture their bosses, colleagues and HR after ruining their un-woke college professors, and self-appoint as judge and jury convicting the un-woke masses. Not unlike how Texan vigilantes self-appoint to bring women to justice if they visit Planned Parenthood.
Maybe you’ve seen these stern puritan HuffPo rules about woke talking.
For instance, what not to say to a single mom. What not to say to a working mom. What not to say to a single working dad (pending).
And: Stop telling me I look younger than my age (at 39). What not to say to people over 50 (like, “You look younger than your age”).
Also: What not to say in a job interview. Five accidentally manipulative things you shouldn’t say at work. Don’t say “hey guys” when meeting colleagues — use a gender-neutral alternative such as “y’all” even if it sounds Southern like a former plantation slave owner.
There’s so much more. Altogether, the HuffPo language guidance sends an important message: Stifle, Edith.
Snort and sneer if you want, but HuffPo is providing a public service.
They’re helping us pause when we feel the need to say something, anything, fumble and flop sweat as words fail, but motor on even if it comes out wrong but we say it in a song, like Jim Croce.
Instead of always saying the right thing at the right time all the time, like Big Bird, Barack Obama, and Alexa.
To that end, HuffPo, like Chairman Mao, has reeducated me in three helpful ways:
1. Never compliment anyone
· You look amazing! Lookist.
· Nice haircut! Lookist plus stylist. Maybe sarcastic.
· You look better than your Match photos. Definitely sarcastic.
· You’re so tall! Lookist and loomist.
· Your yoga really seems to work for you! Lookist and Lululemonist.
· I didn’t know you could cook! Culinarist and backhand compliment-ist.
· Congratulations on your pregnancy! Misogynist even in a maternity ward, especially if said to a pot-bellied dad.
· Wow — you’re on time! Clockist, plus passive micro-aggressive victimizing clinical PLPs (People Lacking Punctuality).
· I love how you feel free to say anything you want, devil take the hindmost. Satanist.
2. Cut offensive hits from playlists
· Joan Jett: I saw him dancin’ there by the record machine/I knew he must a been about seventeen/The beat was goin’ strong/Playin’ my favorite song/ And I could tell it wouldn’t be long/’Til he was with me, yeah, me.
· Gary Puckett & The Union Gap: Young girl/get out of my mind/my love for you is way out of line/better run girl/you’re much too young girl. (The rest is too Jeffrey Epstein to repeat.)
· Beatles: Well, she was just 17/and you know what I mean … (ibid)
· Armour Hot Dogs: What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs? Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks/tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox/love hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs, the dog kids love to bite.
Fat kids, sissy kids?! Body- and nerd-shaming!
3. Stop the shaming
· Trump shaming, Dem shaming, Republican shaming, Biden shaming.
· Progressives shaming moderate Dems. MAGAs shaming RINOs. Progressive shaming. MAGA shaming. Shaming independents who declare a pox on both houses.
· New York Times shaming, CNN shaming, Fox shaming, fact- and truth-shaming, internet “research” shaming, shameless Tucker Carlson shaming.
· Critical Race Theory shaming. Shaming parents for fearing and hating like Fox made them.
· Pro-Covid mask and vax shaming because they’re Socialist government sheep. Anti-Covid mask and vax shaming that spreads the pandemic.
· Shaming politicians that lie about Covid and CRT to rile their constituents to reelect them.
· Texas shaming for acting like stereotypical Texas. Same for Florida.
· Drivers shaming bikers. Bikers shaming drivers. Pedestrians shaming both while blindly walking into the street during rush hour while staring at their phones.
· Facebook shaming. QAnon shaming. Shaming real patriotic Americans who follow Trump, Russian trolls and dezinformatsiya so much they become domestic terrorists.
· Prius drivers shaming Land Rover drivers for killing the planet. Land Rover drivers shaming Prius drivers for virtue signaling. Everyone shaming everyone who fails to use their turn signals. Shaming Subaru drivers who creep along driving sensibly and then speed through yellow lights leaving you fuming at the red.
· Shaming the climate unconscious. Shaming the militant climate-conscious who shame the relatively climate-conscious who are not doing enough, such as composting, biking to work, or not having children.
· Narcissist shaming, since they won’t get it anyway. Shaming exes by calling them narcissists, even when you just weren’t right for each other.
Most of all, stop woke shaming, HuffPo shaming and shame shaming.
Shame on me.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.