“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and use the Constitution as Charmin and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?”

Trump unchained

Jeffrey Denny

Despite everything Americans used to hate, Donald Trump gained voters this time.

Because Trump’s stacked Supreme Court put him above the law, he can like literally shoot somebody on 5th Avenue and walk free thanks to his Florida billboard lawyer, Attorney General Matt Gaetz, who will claim the shooting was an official act.

For instance, if Trump thought that somebody on 5th Avenue looked like a nonwhite illegal, a pro-democracy protestor, prosecutor Jack Smith, or a wealthy progressive yoga Lululemon mom dressed all in black like Antifa, he has rights to shoot them.

What else could Trump say that his voters are OK with?

—“I could stand in the middle of Washington and abuse power, obstruct Congress, and incite violent insurrection.”

— “I could stand in the middle of a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room and sexually assault a complete stranger I fancied. Then slander her for reporting my assault.”

— “I could stand in the middle of beautiful women and do anything I want. Grab ’em by the p***y.”

— “I could stand in the middle of these sad pink-hat childless cat lady women's rights marches and mansplain what’s good for women because many women voted for me.”

— “I could stand in the middle of Black Democrat cities that I trashed as crime-infested, filthy and decaying and still get more votes there.”

— “I could stand in the middle of elite liberal woke coastal educated America and say shocking un-woke things because many are secretly sick of woke stuff.”

— “I could stand in the middle of Columbia University and tell students to STFU about Gaza because they’re stupid despite their elite education.”

— “I could stand in the middle of Madison Square Garden and follow my warmup act that called Puerto Rico a floating island of garbage and still win more Latino votes.”

— “I could stand in the middle of my Physician to the President’s examination room, cough as he handled the biggest manhood the ladies have ever seen, and tell him to report that my good friend Brad Pitt would be happy to have my ripped physique.”

— “I could stand in the middle of Thanksgiving dinners across America and say anything that divides families because the Biden cost of turkey matters more than America, democracy, values and humanity.”

— “I could revenge, retribute and dictate to my heart’s desire to amass supreme power because there’s no therapist in America who can treat my massive case of daddy-doesn’t-love-me blues.”

— “I could stand in the middle of QAnons at the Patriot Voice annual conference and announce a pedophile as Attorney General.”

— “I could stand in the middle of the Justice Department and commit as many felonies as I want. While attacking Democrats for being weak on crime.”

— “I could stand in the middle of the Pentagon and appoint a TV talking head with little military service and zero leadership experience to helm the most powerful military in the world, and who paid hush money to silence his sexual misconduct victim.”

— “I could stand in the middle of Arlington Cemetery and call fallen troops suckers and losers.”

— “I could stand in the middle of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point and call their celebrated top military officials who devoted and risked their lives for America some of the dumbest people I’ve ever met. Even though I’m a draft-dodger and never served nobody but Trump.”

— “I could stand in the middle of your hospital room while you’re struggling to stay alive and appoint science-denying nut clusters to head HHS, NIH, CDC and our other health agencies who keep you alive.”

— “I could stand in the middle of a beautiful Mar-a-Lago main ballroom dinner thanking billionaires for electing me and announce people they would never hire to head our national intelligence and homeland security. Kamala called me weird, so let’s get weird.”

— “I could stand in the middle of any white evangelical Christian church in America and lie through my veneers before God and they’ll still worship me more than Jesus.”

— “I could place my hand on the Bible and solemnly swear to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, and then joke about the oath and make decent money selling Bibles. I’m already a billionaire but money is like love and power: You can’t have enough.”

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.