I Freaky Friday’d with a MAGA
Five ways it changed my mind
Jeffrey Denny
Ilive in one of these so-called “purple” states.
Not because everyone here loves Prince. Musical tastes vary.
We’re Republican Chevy Silverado fossil-powered 6.2-liter V8 15 city mpg pickup truck climate deniers with gas price anxiety and zero mpg Subaru fossil-charged EV climate-conscious Democrats with range anxiety.
But we live together in perfect harmony like Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder in 1982 when disco brought the races together on the dance floor under the glittering ball. We also meet in the middle by hating Teslas for different reasons.
One day, my MAGA neighbor who hates people who are different, and I, a woke progressive who hates people who hate people who are different, were out fixing the invisible dog fence between us. As the liberal poet Robert Frost and illiberal immigrant haters agree, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
The air hung heavy with deliciously uncomfortable unspoken thoughts and feelings, like a Trump diplomatic press conference or a Brunch of Democrats agreeing that Gaza is off the table lest their moralizing adult children they fund frown upon their thoughts and feelings.
Suddenly, weird wild weather erupted due to the manmade or God-made climate apocalypse and struck us with a bolt of lightning.
When we woke, my neighbor was woke. He had a college education that made him stupid. He even plucked his eyebrows and shaved his legs then he was a she and said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.”
I respectfully said thanks no thanks as I transitioned into a true patriotic, proud white Christian American male-identifying gender who has nightmares he might be a Ferris Bueller gaybones denier like a spooky number of anti-LGBTQ Republican men.
But like an icepick lobotomy, becoming MAGA changed my mind in five amazing ways:
1. I love a strong leader
I stopped worrying about all that liberal Constitution crap and gained a Strangelove appreciation for Chairman Mao, Genghis Newt, Pol Pot (spicier than the Cambodian hot pot), Stalin (who cared about the working class until he slaughtered them), Ivan the Awesome (until the liberals rebranded him as Terrible), and Vlad the Impaler of Europe and America.
I even respect when a Führer und Reichskanzler’s Reichsmarschall, President of the Reichstag and Minister-President like Elon Musk targets and destroys my fellow American government workers, even if they’re my neighbors with a public service mentality who work hard for bad money to serve my needs.
2. I hate humanity
The libs keep harping about what Jesus would do. My Bible says He didn’t give a good goddamn about poor starving children in other countries. Not when struggling Americans on taxpayer Medicare Ozempic have to pay $18 for a Denny’s All-American Slam breakfast because George Soros jacked egg prices to Deep State our Reichskanzler by leaking bird flu from a Wu-Tang Clan Chinese lab.
But I love the millionaires and billionaires who live a better life than I could ever imagine and tell me who to blame for my struggles. I know it makes me sound stupid, but that’s what I believe and that’s that.
3. I love biting the hand that feeds
Yes, I’m revolting — from being a slave of the liberal DEI socialist communist fascist totalitarian government that steals and wastes my hard-earned tax dollars on other people and not enough on me.
4. DEI is racism
This is brilliant. Like in that history book where the dictator says war is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength. Now when the powerful minorities trying to erase me call me a bigot because of my Confederate flag, I own them like Pee-wee Herman saying, “I know you are, but what am I?”
5. Lib facts are wrong
I do my own research from independent sources that aren’t afraid to tell the real truth to confirm what I believe. Unlike the liberals with their peer-reviewed research studies and so-called scientists who save children’s lives with vaccines.
Becoming MAGA, I believe pre-birth lives matter more than post-birth lives because children can be costly and irritating. I also don’t care anymore about traditional Republican Christian family values to raise the kids right because I love them less than a president who craps on all that BS.
Maybe I think my president is a jerk, but he’s my jerk. I’m willing to suffer and sacrifice for the pleasure of triggering and owning the libs, even if it hurts America, which I love.
***
Eventually, as the Freaky Friday story goes, I returned to my normal lib life but chastened and educated by my temporary MAGA life. Yet oddly less enlightened.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
