I was Steve Bannon’s puppet master
By Deep State ‘Jeff’
Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my Presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind. — President Donald J. Trump, Jan. 3, 2018
Well, THAT didn’t turn out the way we intended. All we wanted was to punk our buddy Steve-o a little. One day we dared him to hook up with Breitbart.com and then Donald Trump and then become Trump’s “Great Manipulator,” and then come to believe he’s the voice for powerful nationalist movement, a Cracker Barrel Jesus, a populist savior of American freedom and democracy, the Caucasian kind.
The rest, shall we say, is hysteria. And not the ROTFL kind.
So on behalf of the Deep State fraternity, from Goldman Sachs to the Koch Bros. to the Trilateral Commission to Ashton Kutcher, we’re sorry. Steve had some dough from investing in the Seinfeld production company to play with — but then, who doesn’t? — and we wanted to have some fun with him. (Jerry hatched the whole convoluted scheme.) (Jerry: You know you did!) We created a Frankenstein though without the decent blazer, as Jerry quipped about in Season 7, Episode 23.
Also, Frankenstein’s monster is afraid of fire while Steve is a political pyromaniac.
But the real story shows that those who believe the Pizzagate and other alt-right fake news conspiracies are not paranoid whack jobs or dupes. Bless their hearts, they just got punk’d big time.
Here’s what really happened with Steve:
1. We told Steve that about 20 percent of Americans are so pissed off with Washington and smarty-pants East/West Coast elites, not to mention global economic change, they’ll believe even a bunch of Wall Street multimillionaires who claim they stand in solidarity with the jobless working class. Steve bought it! And ran with it.
2. We said, “Hey, Steve — what if you open the comments section on Breitbart.com for readers to vent any racist, misogynist, hateful feelings they have with bad spelling and grammar and in ALL CAPS, and post anonymously so they don’t need the courage or basic decency to stand behind their words?” We were kidding. Steve thought it was a terrific business model to make ad $$$ off unfortunate angry people.
3. Just to test his gullibility — ok, we were a little cruel — we told Steve, “Say, why don’t you back a U.S. Senate candidate from Alabama who stalked underage girls?” Unlike the snowflake college-educated libtards, many Alabamans don’t care about technicalities such as alleged child molestation, we said. We also dared Steve to make The Knack’s 1979 hit, “Good Girls Don’t” the Roy Moore campaign theme song. Again, we were just kidding, but liking the concept he countered with the Steve Lawrence/Donny Osmand hit, “Go Away Little Girl.” (When you are near me like this/You’re much too hard to resist/So go away little girl/Call it a day little girl/Please go away little girl, before I beg you to stay.) We’ll do anything for a laugh but even we thought that was wrong.
4. We said, “Steve, how about if you teach people that any time someone says anything even slightly negative about Trump because we’re supposed to challenge those in power, you change the subject to Hillary — she’s so much worse — even though she’s completely out of power and aimlessly wandering the woods both literally and metaphorically?” Steve scratched his grizzled jaw and ran his fingers through his luxuriant mane, petting his community of head lice, and said, “I can work with that.”
5. By the way, the wardrobe that’s lost every “Who Wore It Worst?” contest to the Mel Brooks/Peter Boyle creation in “Young Frankenstein” and also Steve Buscemi in virtually every role was Steve (the Bannon’s) idea. We recommended Steve try at least Kohl’s Van Heusen Flex Slim-Fit suit jacket and matching slacks ($320 plus half off for the second combo). Steve worried the pants made his butt look big. “No, your butt makes the pants look big!” we joked and ROTFL’d. He didn’t like it. Who does?
6. Taking the joke too far, we suggested that now that he’s out of the White House and has his own lucrative “brand” to bank, Steve let go of his inhibitions, be himself, express his feelings, and call the president terrible names, for example “narcissist” and “Chicken McNuggets Eater.” Steve did! Now he’s in the soup. And not the healthy Whole Foods kind he should be eating more.
Here in the Deep State, we know Steve and that he means no harm. Sometimes we let our pranks go too far and people get hurt. Remember George W. Bush and the fake “yellow cake” that launched the Iraq war? Killing Obamacare will make people healthier? GOP tax reform for the middle class? Fox and Friends? Newt Gingrich? The “internet”? Facebook?!
Bwahahahaha! But we’re not proud of any damage done.
That said, stay tuned for what we have planned for Eric and Donald Jr. Don’t they seem like they deserve it?
Deep State ‘Jeff’ is a Washington writer