If you love what Trump is doing …
… there’s help
Jeffrey Denny
The #1 online advice columnist Dr. Jeff is a non-licensed therapist who offers free therapy to damaged people who deny they need it.
Dear Jeff:
I’ve never been happier in my life. All my sadness, depression, and anxiety vanished on January 20. President Trump’s return to power and all his amazing revenge, retribution, chaos, destruction, and dictating is so exciting I can barely avoid leaking pee. If I’m doped up on dopamine, I’m riding the wave.
I love seeing the radical left lunatics get all traumatized about how Trump is gutting the government, outlawing DEI, shipping off legal immigrants, weaponizing the Justice Department to go after his enemies, ignoring judges, owning Congress, setting up a Constitutional crisis that he’ll win, and ending democracy.
I hope Trump declares martial law and starts rounding up the libs, separating them into two genders like God intended, and busing them to a DOGE labor camp where they have to work 80 hours a week for free.
The only downside is that my wife lost all respect for me and left, my kids and most of my family are ghosting me, and I’m being bullied on Facebook. Just for expressing my beliefs under my Constitutional rights and democracy. Why is everyone against me just because I love America?
— Proud MAGA
Dear Miserable MAGA:
I’m sorry your happiness is causing you sadness. You’re not alone. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders calls your condition Stultus Detestabilis, or in layman’s terms, “stupidly hateful.”
You might believe that the left is more stupidly hateful and you need to “trump” them. But that’s just your mental and emotional difference telling you to be worse than what you hate.
Since you enjoy seeing people you don’t know, don’t understand, and politically disagree with get hurt, look into whether you might be a clinical sociopath lacking empathy and remorse.
Dear Jeff:
First they came for woke socialist libs. And I loved it because I’m sick of family members canceling me at Thanksgiving for speaking the truth about Trump’s brilliance.
Then they came for DEI, and I said, “Finally! DEI is racist against people like me!”
Then they came for immigrants who aren’t white like my immigrant family. And I loved it except for wondering who’s going to fix my home, mow my yard, and provide skilled nursing home healthcare I need on my Medicaid budget?
Then they came for my government checks — and there was no one at the government to answer the phone.
Why is this happening to me?
— Ate My Own Face
Dear Face:
Remember this old joke? A patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do that.” The doctor says, “Don’t do that.”
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders calls what you’re experiencing Sicut Meritum, or “just deserts.” No, it’s not a hot new diet craze everyone is wild about when you skip the entree and go straight to pie. You earned what hurts you.
Dear Jeff:
To be honest (which is terrifying), I hate immigrants with a vengeance, even though my family were immigrants.
My boss, let’s call him the President of the United States, whose family were also immigrants, loves me because I’m good at helping him and his MAGA base hate and hurt the new immigrants. Even if they’re legal, law-abiding, hardworking, crucial to our economy, and far better Americans than many citizens.
While people ask, “How can you sleep at night?” frankly, I’ve lost up to 20 minutes of sleep because many people, even in my own family, are calling me an “immigration hypocrite.” Just because I wouldn’t even be in America if my policies were in force when they tried to come here.
People are even calling me Hermann Göring, Joseph Goebbels, Heinrich Himmler, and Nazi ethnic cleanser. I’m starting to suffer from what the radical left lunatics call “feelings” and “caring.” Should I have my enemies, including family members, rounded up and sent off to Guantanamo?
— Dead-Eye Stephen
Dear Trump Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy:
Yay on you for expressing a shred of humility, humanity, and human emotions to reach out to a fake therapist for help.
The first step to recovery is recognizing you’re a sick puppy, not to insult sick puppies who you probably kick or maybe shoot one like your colleague heading Homeland Security.
Yet my heart goes out that you seem to suffer from what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders termed Scelestus Contra Humanitatem, or willing to commit crimes against humanity. And I’m not talking about that hilarious card game.
While I don’t have a license to diagnose, I suggest getting thee to a cabin in the deep woods to write a screed and succumb to mouse poop fever.
Dear Jeff:
I follow and believe whatever Fox News tells me. Fox is the only fair and balanced media — unlike the mainstream media they call out — because it reports the real news and real honest opinion and stands up for what’s right.
But something makes me wonder if coastal elite, educated Fox personalities who live far better than I could ever imagine think I’m a rube who’s easily manipulated for more money.
Dear woke to the joke on you:
Welcome to questioning authority like a lib.
Dear Jeff:
I’m brilliant, more than any Nobel Prize or Kennedy Center honoree. I’m doing everything I can to amass power to make America greater like nobody has ever seen.
Yet some Americans are resisting. They call me a wannabe brutal dictator like Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and Pinochet. They don’t seem to care how these labels hurt. I’m smarter and better looking than those dictators. What should I do to own my agency and identity?
Dear El Presidente:
Exile to Mar-a-Lago like Napoleon to Elba before America and the Constitution come to take you away. That way you can play victim to the radical left lunatics.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
