I’m divesting. Are you?
Or do you love genocide?
Jeffrey Denny
Elite colleges are frantically poring over their multibillion-dollar endowment investment portfolios.
They urgently need to appease their elite, privileged, tacitly or overtly anti-Semitic students who demand divestment from companies having anything to do with Israel.
The Unite the Right neo-Nazis who marched on Charlottesville in 2017 with tiki torches chanting “Blood and soil!” and “Jews will not replace us!” are muttering, “Damn, why didn’t we think of disclose and divest?” They’re putting out RFPs for a new PR and branding consultant with Trump ethnic-cleanser Stephen Miller top of mind.
Columbia protestors, many now comfortably ensconced at their parents’ lavish homes for the summer, demanded their college divest Google, Microsoft, Amazon and Airbnb stocks because the Activist Industrial Complex told them to.
As anti-capitalists, many protestors may hate the idea of a college investment portfolio and proudly have no idea how it works. Like how it lowers their parents’ annual tab to $100,000, maintains buildings like Hamilton Hall they smashed up like J6 rioters at the U.S. Capitol, and funds scholarships for the marginalized they care so deeply about.
Meanwhile, their wealthy capitalist parents are also scrambling to divest their portfolios of stocks their kids targeted and funds their $400,000 degrees in Interrogating Capitalism. Pandering to children now extends well into their adulthood, an age when their endowing grandparents were shipping off to fight and die to defeat genocide.
Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions, “a Palestinian-led movement for freedom, justice and equality,” offers students a syllabus of “companies profiting from genocide.”
All the usual Big Criminal Capitalism suspects are there — oil, technology, finance, fast food, and, of course Disney.
That’s not enough.
“We must strategically focus on a relatively smaller number of carefully selected companies and products for maximum impact,” BDS says. “We need to target companies that play a clear and direct role in Israel’s crimes and where there is real potential for winning.”
Among them: Ben & Jerry’s.
We respect the usual reasons why the rapacious global ice cream moguls should get their just desserts:
· Each pint is a Superfund site of deliberately addictive sugar and saturated fat that feeds the epidemic of obesity and heart disease that kills even more Americans than Covid and vax deniers did.
· Chubby Hubby and Chunky Monkey are not just delicious flavors — they’re warning labels.
· The so-called humble Vermont brand is owned by Unilever, a giant foreign multinational conglomerate that’s hurting humanity and the planet in some form or fashion.
· Urban Jumble and Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie flavors were canceled not just because of the cultural misappropriations. Worse, they neglected the inalienable Constitutional right of Americans to have ice cream they prefer.
But could it be that the “Globalize the Intifada” chanters are also reacting — even if subliminally — to the names Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield? [Emphasis added if needed.]
Since I need to respect this latest college uprising, should I be divesting too?
Not my 401(k), since I’m too lazy and scared to find out how I’m living luxe from genocides. So I need to divest my personal portfolio of preferences. Starting with:
Deli lunch
I love the old classic deli restaurant where I meet a quorum of friends. It has a free pickle bar and amazing Reubens (the grilled sandwich, not Pee-wee or the painter — that’s Rubens).
Afterward I burn my clothing and take a long exfoliating Silkwood Shower to decontaminate from the thermonuclear scent of onion rings.
Best of all, I get to feel tall, hale, hearty, vibrant thirst-trappy for widows because the place is always packed with men who look like Abe Vigoda.
Kosher wine
It’ll be hard to give up my Manischewitz with its harmonious aromatic balance of rich dark fruit, stems of roses, and earthy forest floor. The juicy entry offers a round, silky mouthfeel with just enough acidity to complement the satin texture. This seductive wine shows flavors of black cassis, black cherry and a hint of cocoa powder. The fine-grained, plush tannins evolve into a long, supple finish. Just like a $500 2017 Opus One, as Wine.com described it.
The ‘Witz ain’t just for Seder anymore!
My mezuzah
The sacred Jewish object has been nailed next to my front door for years. It’s supposed to bless and sanctify my home. It was given to me by a Jewish friend who felt guilty that I’m not Jewish.
I’ll give you my mezuzah when you pry it from my cold, dead door frame because nothing terrible has happened to my home after I put it up, kinehora.
Movies
Trump useful idiot MAGAs, evangelical Christians, and other tacit allies of antisemitic college protesters while hating them say “The Jews” control Hollywood.
Normies like me say maybe Hollywood is controlled by audiences who flock to smart, funny, interesting and entertaining movies. We don’t care or even notice if the directors, producers, actors and others in the credits are Jewish or MAGA followers of Tlazōlteōtl, the Aztec god of vice, lust, filth, hush money, corruption, abuse of power, obstruction of justice, incitement of insurrection and blood revenge.
Jerry Seinfeld
Sorry, Dr. Jerome Seinfeld with honorary degree from Duke. Like Rick Astley, I promised I would never give you up or let you go. But after Duke protesters righteously disrupted your commencement address, I can no longer torture friends with references from your sitcom from 30 years ago, why I love “Frosted” and why I hate “Friends.”
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
