Instagram Introduces Safety Accounts to Protect Americans from Trump Cabinet Picks
Blocking suss DMs
Jeffrey Denny
Instagram launched Teen Accounts to ensure kids are having safe experiences just in time for President-elect Donald Trump’s first choice of U.S. Attorney General.
While the AG nominee withdrew for selfless reasons to support the Trump transition, not because of sex and drug crimes with teens, Instagram is expanding protections for all Americans against unsafe or inappropriate experiences from all of Trump’s cabinet picks:
Instagram Women Accounts
We’re not only protecting women worried about Trump bureaucrats dictating reproduction, but also from drunken sexual aggression by powerful men like the Fox News personality that Trump selected for Secretary of Defense.
Instagram can’t safeguard our nation against a chicken-hawk poser and wholly inexperienced leader of the most powerful military in the world, someone who combat-decorated generals might call dumb and stupid like Trump called his generals.
But we hope to protect the tough, talented, smart, brave, self-sacrificing patriotic women military heroes who the Trump Pentagon nominee disrespects. While he rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom women provide, to borrow from Marine Col. Nathan Jessup in “A Few Good Men.”
Instagram Immigrant Accounts
If you get a DM that’s clearly from the law-ignoring tough-guy “Border Czar” asking “you up?” Instagram will help you block ICE phishing.
Instagram wants to help protect Dreamers, asylum seekers, TPS workers who do jobs we won’t, and anyone with a Latin-sounding name or who orders or delivers Tex-Mex from being stalked, rounded up and deported en masse by the Trump government.
Reflecting our corporate values but also political realities, Instagram politely opposes brutal Trump ICE policies such as rounding up poor desperate refugees, separating their families and caging their kids to appease and even thrill MAGA nativist xenophobes who are guided by their love for Jesus.
Instagram also hesitates to raise questions about Trump’s Homeland Security nominee responsible for carrying out the mass deportation because she is so ruthlessly inhumane she’ll even kill a puppy.
Instagram Justice Accounts
Instagram is concerned that Trump’s second pick for Attorney General who’s even more bootlicking is gearing up to weaponize his Justice Department and Geheime Staatspolizei to carry out his promise of political revenge and retribution.
This could target millions of Americans on Trump’s secret enemies list, starting with prosecutors, judges and juries who did their duty to uphold the Constitution and the law, election officials and volunteers who refused to steal the 2020 election for him, turncoat Trump 1.0 officials who spoke out against his abuses they saw first-hand, and all Democrats and RINOs. Possibly even anyone who said anything against him, maybe on Instagram. So actually we’re staying out of this.
Instagram LGBTQ Accounts
If you’re not a straight white MAGA Christian colonizing racist misogynist homophobic cis male incel real man Proud Boy militia bro who cuddles with stockpiled AR-15s like they’re Linus Van Pelt security blankets, and loves Trump, handmaiden tradwives and Jesus in that order, Instagram wishes we could protect you from online death threats.
Instagram Intelligence Accounts
These protect users from two Trump picks that defy intelligence: The Director of National Intelligence who gabbards about conspiracy theories like someone smoking tulsi, a weird holy herb, and a fake wrestling mogul as Secretary of Education who’s never been an educator. And like the Trump base, hates education.
Instagram can warn but not protect users from stupidity.
Instagram Health Accounts
Trump’s pick for DHHS Health Czar to Make America Healthier has far more medical experience than the puppy shot by Trump’s DHS nominee. Instagram would love to block quack medicine but what can we do? Health influencer ads pay the bills.
Instagram Climate Accounts
Trump picks for EPA, Interior, Energy and Transportation all pledge to further enrich multimillionaire fossil energy CEOs and shareholders by denying science that Earth is burning from fossil energy.
Instagram is concerned about the increasingly violent storms, natural disasters and other adverse effects of manmade climate change. We’re also aware that over 50% of Americans — those who voted for Trump, many hit hardest by hurricanes, floods and wildfires — don’t care.
We’re committed to foster a safe and supportive environment for everyone on Instagram. But we can’t protect America from itself.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
