Singles: You’ve tried every dating site — from Match to Tinder, Bumble, eHarmony, FarmersOnly, UndateableMAGAs and OKCupid.
You’ve been disappointed because when you finally meet, he smells like Roquefort and you hope it’s just aged sheep milk cheese on his threadbare dress-up tee-shirt featuring his favorite death-metal band. Or you liked her retro puka-shell choker until you found out she strung it herself with the baby teeth of her 17 cats.
Most of today’s dating sites also assume you’ll eventually want to meet in person for a coffee or Cabernet to confirm there’s no chemistry. But leaving home during a pandemic is a big no-no.
Now there’s OkCovid, the smart dating site for smart quarantining people.
On OkCovid, you’re more than just an old Polaroid of someone who now looks decades worse and can’t meet until July or even this year.
You have stories to tell about hoarding Charmin. Passions to share, such as hoarding Charmin. And things to talk about, such as scattering elders like bowling pins to seize your preferred Charmin two-ply, extra strong, and why regular Charmin isn’t strong enough.
In these pandemic times, you deserve what many online daters deserve even in normal times: A relationship that should not be consummated.
To get started on OkCovid, here’s just a sample of how to fill out your pandemic dating profile questionnaire:
About me/My self-summary:
Call me Emily Dickinson, even though I’m a guy, but please don’t call me. That’s not a joke. I’m not a phone person and will block any number that I don’t recognize and most that I do.
As my neighbors will confirm, my preference has always been to hunker down alone at home and avoid all human contact, especially from neighbors but also friends, family, coworkers, etc. I also avoid any intimacy of any kind, be it physical, emotional or even intellectual (as if).
Like the famed Recluse of Northampton hilariously quipped in the original version of her poem, “I’m Nobody! Who are you?”:
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
Please don’t contact me if you don’t know this poem, or don’t find it hilarious, or if you did, even thought of responding with “LOL.”
Also don’t contact me if you don’t know who the “Recluse of Northampton” is unless you Google her. Or of course, if you love Trump.
Aspirations/What I’m doing with my life:
I’ve always aspired to do exactly what I’m forced to do right now under the stern guidance of the world’s top epidemiologist, Dr. Anthony Fauci.
I used to fear and loathe America’s corporatist fascist government and greedy capitalistic healthcare system because Bernie said so. Now I love how our overlords are dictating, just like HuffPo articles I click on (and oddly get a lot more of), that I need to feel free to be me. It seems my quiet revolution has finally won.
Talent/What I’m really good at:
Making people uncomfortable to be around me so they avoid me like the plague that we’re in.
Media/Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
Most of today’s “media” is complete dreck for both the privileged and downtrodden masses. If you can’t communicate except for small talk that introverts/Highly Sensitive Persons like me can’t abide, this won’t work out.
Needs/Six things I could never do without:
Obviously: clean air; highly filtered water; non-GMO, no-gluten, climate-sensitive locavore foods; solitude; people who leave me alone; and the internet for physically and emotionally distant social media “relationships.”
Also —sorry, that’s seven— Amazon for delivery of non-GMO, no-gluten, climate-sensitive locavore cat food and litter. I certainly despise Amazon’s labor-abusing capitalist consumerism but I’m making a pandemic exception.
Hobbies/I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Journaling my thoughts and feelings that are so insightful, complex and meaningful that most people couldn’t possibly comprehend me.
If anyone tries to comprehend me, I will humiliate them in a self-satisfied way with a trenchant insult that they couldn’t possibly comprehend.
Moments/On a typical Friday night I am:
Perusing the 25 dating sites I’m on and insulting people who “like” me because they have off-putting profiles and say clumsy nonstarters such as “What’s up?” Or “Are you ok?”
They don’t even know me. What right do they have to worry about me?
Dating/You should message me if:
You don’t mind if I’m undateable and never want to meet, even when Dr. Fauci says it’s ok. I am NOT looking forward to it.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.