Is DEI causing the Great American Egg Crisis?
Or is it Pickleball?
Jeffrey Denny
Yes, even Whole Foods has no eggs today.
Not even for the billionaire owner/Trump courtesan everyone loves to hate whose name rhymes with Pharaohs and avocados. Not even for the trillionaire Titan of the Galaxy who owns Jeff Bezos.
I spotted Elon Musk (or maybe it was an MIB alien posing as a giant musk beetle) at my local Washington, DC, Whole Foods.
It appeared — and the liberal FBI confirmed on Bluesky— that Musk was attempting to bribe the dairy aisle stocker, a former top USDA egg expert he fired, for a dozen jumbo AI-raised triple yolks.
“Lay them yourself,” the stocker said, rejecting Musk’s offer of sextillions of dogecoin worth the price of a dozen Trump eggs.
Was that really, actually, factually Musk at my Whole Foods? I report, you decide.
In any case, the Great American Egg Crisis is triggering, terrifying and traumatizing, but also unifying America.
From the MAGA poor tired huddled masses to protein-addled Instagram gym douche influencers to Socialist LGBTQIA+ brunchers alike, the egg crisis is binding our nation together like eggs bind meatloaf.
The lesser among us (respectfully, idiots) blame Biden because that’s what their TV says. The fact-obsessed know bird flu is hurting egg farmers, many who voted for Trump and are learning about karma.
But nobody is telling the truth about what’s causing The Great Egg Crisis.
No, it’s not how chicken feed no longer costs chicken feed.
No, it’s not because of militant rooster/narcissist-hating feminist hens demanding free government OB/GYN healthcare and single hen chick care like in Europe.
No, the egg crisis is not caused by IP lawyers demanding rights and revenues for hilarious Tiktoks featuring chickens dancing to dated hip-hop hits.
And no, the egg crisis certainly isn’t caused by sensitive woke DEI respect for chicks that refuse to identify as either hens or roosters. Nor by sensitive MAGAs who hate government but love siccing government on their neighbors if they fail to cherish every unborn egg, even the broken ones in the carton, as a chicken with Constitutional rights.
And unlike what the MAGA media declares, eggs aren’t endangered because liberal DEI racism made the shrinking number of white eggs anxious as they had to mix and mingle with the growing number of brown eggs. And made white chickens hire inferior Chickens of Color lest they be canceled by the powerful fascist progressives who run America.
Also don’t blame the radical left-wing Socialist Communist college-educated coastal elite climate-woke organic egg farmers for taking jobs from real hardworking American agribusiness factory E. coli egg farmers, and giving them to coddled free-range, pasture-raised, cage-free, organic and certified humane eggs to further enrich Jeff Bezos at Whole Foods.
My research says Pickleball is to blame for the egg crisis.
Follow the breadcrumbs:
- Pickleball is a Trump Republican “sport” because, unlike the formerly decent Republican actual sport of tennis, it doesn’t require skill, experience, social graces or any use of a developed cerebellum, parietal lobe, frontal cortex or motor cortex.
- Pickleball is “fun!” Like the water slide at New Jersey’s Action Park, infamous for serious head injuries and bone fractures eerily similar to those suffered by Picklers.
- Pickleball, like Trumpism, is steadily annexing and destroying America like the Trump-Putin “Peace in Our Time” plan for Europe.
So it was just a matter of time before Pickler Nation rose up in anger and resentment over the anxiety and stress of getting court time and began eyeing egg farms where liberal chickens roam freely like J6 rioters.
And like Trumpers flipping civil rights into racism against whites, Picklers lacking shame redefined “free-range” for chickens as having access to Pickleball courts.
Now, instead of laying the eggs America desperately needs, chickens are waddling, strutting, flapping, squawking and “befowling” the manifest destiny lands they believe they should command. Like Pickleball players.
You don’t have to be Ta-Nehisi Coates to see how Pickler colonization is destroying America that needs a hearty breakfast to colonize the world, starting with poor hapless Canada where the breakfasts are even heartier due to maple syrup and eating pain from hockey losing.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
