Is pollen the new Covid?
Eerie similarities
Jeffrey Denny
Millions of Americans are dying every day from the Great Pollen Pandemic.
Liberals declare and Trumpers deny that the climate disaster is spawning the record deadly pollen splooge as plants, like Elon Musk, need to spew more seed to perpetuate their species.
According to President Donald Trump’s former caddy, nominated to succeed heroic yet disgraced NIH epidemiologist Tony Fauci, the deadly pollen strain leaked from a Vermont organic farm owned by “gals with Subarus, if you know what I mean.” They were “playing God” by using DNA from extinct paleo grains to fight real American foods like Rice Krispies when they should be fighting Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco LGBTQ treat, he said.
As an independent thinker, I believe my social media algorithm that blames the historic pollen crisis on young bees that have been sexualized by liberal colony elementary school books. These include “Bee: A Peek-through Picture Book,” which teaches bee kids that sterile women need to do all the hivework, while men are stupid drones whose sole purpose is to mate with the queen (the pictures suggest Hillary Clinton) to keep America woke.
Then there’s buzz about the Great Beeplacement Theory. People are saying black carpenter bees are taking over because of DEI. White hives matter!
In any case, the Covid and Pollen pandemic symptoms and responses are eerily similar:
— Suffering from respiratory distress. Such as sneezing, runny nose, and coughing up giant loogies with the smooth, tender, briny and creamy consistency of Wellfleet oysters.
— Stockpiling Kleenex. Or Charmin, if you use paper products on your face that were scientifically engineered to deploy on the other end of your alimentary journey. Or Bounty, “The Quicker Picker Upper,” if your husband or wife is a disgusting hayseed who hocks misaimed loogies on the bathroom floor.
—Not going to the office. Not just because you hate commuting for two hours, drivers less gifted than you, idiot pedestrians staring at their phones, righteous cyclists, and other subhumans. You need to stay home out of respect for colleagues who will complain to HR about your sneezing, runny nose, and coughing of giant loogies.
— Avoiding people altogether. This is the new coolest thing, according to the splooge of articles both lamenting and celebrating how people love avoiding people, written by people who hate people so they became writers. Any excuse to stay home alone is a godsend to the proud communities of People of Introversion (PIAs), People of Agoraphobia (POAs), and People Who Hate People, The Luckiest People (PWHP,TLPs).
— Feeding your rage addiction. If you coughed during Covid near anxious, judgmental ninnies, they assumed you had Covid and violently backed away, glaring at you, even if you only had a mere cold. If you cough during pollen season, the ninnies dismiss your malady as mere pollen, even if you’re deadly ill with whatever your virus labs (i.e., kids) brought home and leaked. And you want the ninnies to have what you’re having.
But there’s a difference between the Covid and pollen pandemics.
Covid can be deadly, as millions of Covid deniers learned the hard way while spreading it and killing innocent people with their ignorance, and then threatening Dr. Fauci for saving lives. People are dying from pollen in a sense that, “Trumpers are killing America with their ignorance,” but our nation will overcome them and recover.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
