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Is your eatery really ‘woke’?

Crisis over Cracker Barrel meatless option raises Impossible questions

Jeffrey Denny

So, Cracker Barrel put plant-based Impossible Sausage on its breakfast menu.

Fragile MAGAs were triggered and traumatized that the chain was going liberal Socialist “woke” by giving diners a choice to eat healthier, feel better, and live longer for their loved ones.

But they missed the real outrage: Cracker Barrel’s insensitive use of “cracker,” the old racist slur against racist whites.

Meanwhile, how do other popular restaurant chains avoid being canceled by our highly sensitive culture heroes?

For instance:

McDonald’s

It’s notorious for misappropriation of Northern European culture and its largely flavorless white ethnic cuisine.

The hamburger was stolen from Hamburg, Germany, where Hitler invented putting grilled meat in bread to conquer America like he did by inventing Volkswagen and also Trumpenführer und Trumpenschnoodle.

Also, as we all know, the sandwich was “borrowed” from the British Earl of Sandwich. He later “invented” the turkey sandwich and also cake after a staycation on the British-conquered islands of Turks and Caicos. He also coined the old dad joke, “If you’re hungry at the beach, you can eat the sand which is there.”

The hateful exploitation doesn’t end there.

McDonald’s is a traditional Scottish name. But you don’t see a single traditional Scottish dish on the menu.

Where’s the McHaggis?

Outback Steak House

Cultural and geographical misappropriation.

The chain featuring leathery sirloins and greasy fried onions with a server-recommended side of statins and defibrillator was started by three guys from Florida who had never been to Australia.

And while Australia now has a handful of Outback Steak Houses, there is maybe only one in the actual Outback.

Also disrespectful is the Subaru Outback that’s popular with Socialist, America-hating elite coastal Deep State-indoctrinated libs.

You know the type: They spread the climate change hoax because they love glamping in beautiful nature in their REI gear. Unlike real Americans, they can’t handle deadly arid regions in America that are like the Australian Outback, such as Texas, which are even more arid and deadly due to climate change that’s a hoax.

The Subaru Outback also gets 32 mpg highway. So it’s triggering and traumatizing for tragically un-endowed and hence insecure Donald Trump/Joe Rogan/Alex Jones manly-men that glamp in giant manly-men pickups like the Ram 1500 TRX that gets a manly-man 12 mpg. While they whine like full-diaper toddlers about Biden’s gas prices.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

What, no Gals? Hello?!

Bros, with all due respect, it’s 2022, not 1322 like the Six Catholics on the Supreme Court who were installed by the Trump Papal Deep State dictate.

Why not 2.5 Guys and 2.5 Gals? Or even — gasp! — Five Gals? You know they’ll do a better job.

And why so binary pandering to rigid gender expectations? Why not Five They/Them/Their?

Worst, Five Guys doesn’t (don’t?) offer Impossible Burgers on gluten-free buns. Obviously — typical guys! — they care more about themselves than the planet, humanity and women who care about the planet and humanity.

Burger King

Patriarchal fascist murderous authoritarian royalty, anyone?

Sadly, not so much British anymore. But definitely Saudi.

Did you know there are 200 Burger Kings in Saudi Arabia? I recommend the one on Pepsi Road near Al Rajhi Bank, Prince Faisal Bin Fahd Road, Olaya, Al Khobar.

There’s really a Pepsi Road in Saudi Arabia.

But seriously, gals, dress modestly.

We can get into the Burger King flame-broiling that’s charring Earth with carbon emissions another time.

Hooter’s

Ugh. Why is that lookist misogynist objectification still allowed?

Why not rebrand to emphasize the owls to grow the customer base from knuckle-dragging troglodytes who are dying off from fast food, Covid denial and other ignorance to enlightened nature lovers who are fit from hiking and biking and will live longer?

Bojangles

Not touching this one. Is it a tribute? Is it a slur? Look it up. It’s complicated.

Jack in the Box, Golden Corral, In-N-Out Burger, Krispy Kreme, Ruby Tuesday, Bonefish Grill, Long John Silver’s, Mellow Mushroom, Smoothie King, Chuck E. Cheese, Shake Shack, Dunkin’ …

If you look up these names in Urban Dictionary, you might see why these restaurants need rebranding. And you’ll never eat there again.

As the Aussies say, “Oi Oi Oi!”

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.