Jokes Trump didn’t deliver at the U.N.
The liberal fake news media lied, as usual, that the U.N. General Assembly burst into mocking, knee-slapping, spit-take laughter when President Donald J. Trump said, “In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country”.
The real, honest-to-God, America-loving fair-and-balanced news media, as usual, reported the gospel real-fact truth as Trump claims: He was joking.
So he was kidding that he’s accomplished much. The United Nations were laughing with Trump, not at him. He brought the whole world together in merriment. Just by doing the best Henny Youngman at the Catskills of any president ever. He killed.
Props to Trump: The U.N. is a tough room.
Tough crowd! Many are old U.S. friends, allies and trading partners Trump had insulted. Others commit war crimes and then have a nice lunch. When these U.N. members play “Cards Against Humanity,” they’re not playin’. Trump at the U.N. was Henny Youngman playing the Copacabana to a roomful of gangsters in “Goodfellas.”
Even worse, comedy doesn’t translate well in 6,500 different languages. Comedy also is cultural. “Take my wife, please” makes no sense in countries where decapitation would occur if you “took” someone’s wife or even looked at her, and it’s illegal even to joke about it.
Suffice that addressing the U.N. General Assembly is not open-mike night after 10:30 at the local Chortles where the crowd — three friends with no lives — comes to show support.
At the U.N., you need gut-busting material you honed for years at squalid comedy cellars with sticky floors and recently divorced drunk-angry patrons if you want to bust up the world’s top leaders including the sourpuss autocrats, despots and kleptocrats.
So just in case his “I accomplished more” bit brought more crickets than cackles, Trump fired his gag writers and wrote his own backup material.
Here are the ten bits Trump didn’t need to fall back on at the United Nations:
1.So, over here we got Italy.
With all due respects to my esteemed colleagues, sorry, you can’t find better Italian, anywhere in the world, not even in Italy, than at the Olive Garden at Times Square.
The Spicy Calabrian Chicken with Gorgonzola sauce with the Parmesan Zuccini Bites are to die for. And I’m not just talking in a cardiovascular way, as my cardiologist puts it. Ba-dum-bum. Badda bing, badda boom.
2. Is China here? Where’s China?
No, I mean seriously, where is China on the map?
Kidding. I know China. Big place. Billions of people. Big military. A lot of takeout places in New York. Some better than others.
You think you’re so great, China. I gotta say — half the crap at Trump Tower is made in China, and believe me, it’s not so great.
And lemme ask a question: Why is it — when you start a trade war with China, an hour later you want to start another one? [Pause for laughter and applause]
3. What’s the deal with Syria?
Am I right, people?
4. How about Mexico?
Any Mexicans here? Yeah, I know — you’re probably illegal so you’re not gonna raise your hands.
I get it. We got a lot of ICE in New York. For all you non-Mexicans, ICE ain’t no frozen treat. It stands for Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Trust me, ICE is here. I mean, c’mon, this is New York, the immigrant capital of the world. You know, with the whole Statue of Liberty and the tired and the poor and the huddled masses thing.
So we definitely have a lot of illegals here. The illegals hate ICE. They’re scared of ICE.
But I tell them, you don’t like ICE? How about a little ISIS? You want some of that ISIS? We’re happy to bring some ISIS.
5. Over here on the left here we got Canada.
Get it? On the left?
How’s your sensitive pretty boy prime minister doing? Eh?
How about a little trade war, scarecrow? Don’t worry: We got our own maple syrup. It doesn’t come from maples, or any trees, so it’s better.
And what about that Stanley Cup? It’s been, what, 20 years now? Gretzky’s like almost 60? He’s not scoring as much as he used to, if you know what I mean.
Your national anthem is “Oh Canada.” It’s beautiful. Everyone stands up and salutes before hockey games unless they don’t want to. But with all due respect, oh Canada, maybe it’s time to hang up the skates?
6. How about a big shout-out to our shit-hole countries?
If you just came in, welcome to New York. How was your flight on Shithole Airlines?
Hope while you were in the air you didn’t have to use the can. It’s literally a can that food you don’t have once came in.
Did you get to bring your comfort goat on the plane?
Trust me, you’ll feel right at home here in New York. This is the biggest shit-hole in the world. Nobody does shit-hole better than America. Especially anywhere above West 59th Street.
7. Anyone here staying at Trump Tower?
I mean, just to suck up to the greatest president ever? Show of hands?
Great! Beautiful place, right? Hope they’re taking care of you.
Just one thing for people from the shit-hole countries: If you take the towels, the shower slippers, the robes, the linens, the rugs, the lamps or anything, it’ll show up on your invoice. So feel free.
As for the Trump soap, Trump shampoo, Trump lotion and Trump conditioner, you can keep them. They all have a lovely scent. Smells like Trump spirit. You’ll love it.
8. Let’s give it up for Russia!
Thank you, Russia. I mean really, really thank you.
Just between you and me, the American intelligence community and Bob Mueller, I wouldn’t be here today without Putin and the oligarchs.
What’s the deal with “oligarch” anyway? Sounds like something my chiropodist once cut out of my foot.
You know, the word “oligarch” makes me want to do a rap. Let me freestyle: aardvark, ballpark, birthmark, Bismarck, car park, cat shark, CVS/Caremark, hash-mark, monarch, stretch mark, white shark, my rap is done so Trump out, mike drop. Dos vedanya bitches.
9. Anyone here from North Korea? Show of hands?
There you are. Welcome. Help yourself to any free food you never have.
But could you do me a solid? Send a note to my little buddy Rocket Man. Tell him Dotard is still warm to his form. He’ll know what I mean.
10. All right! My time is just about up.
But let me close on a serious note.
You know America has the best healthcare system in the world. We have the best Broadway musicals on the planet. We wear free tee-shirts, filthy cargo shorts and shower flip flops on the way to Paris on Air France. And you know we always elect the best presidents, especially me.
Oh snap! Orange rules, and you know it. Suck it bitches!
You’ve been a great crowd! Thank you. Have a great meeting. And don’t forget to tip Tony, our Secretary General, on your way out.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer