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IFiDEA Animal Doll Garden Statue 6" Elephant Figurine

Last minute white elephant gift ideas

Make this scourge upon humanity fun!

Jeffrey Denny

Maybe you and your families ignore the Trump-declared liberal war on Christmas and plan holiday festivities by exchanging gifts that thrill and delight.

If so, you might worry about finding exactly the right gifts. Everyone already seems to have everything they want or need because of the amazing Trump economy, Walmart, Target, Amazon and the internets, plus astounding Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals.

Compounding the gifting stress, modern acolytes of the Marquis de Sade underscore the “x” in Xmas by requiring an anonymous “eyes wide shut” exchange of naughty, sick, disturbing “white elephant” gag and novelty gifts.

You may already know the psychopathic white elephant game: “Players can choose to either pick an unwrapped gift from the pool or steal a previous player’s gift,” per whiteelephantsrules.com. (Yes, there’s a website for it.) “Anyone who gets their gift stolen in this way can do the same — choose a new gift or steal from someone else.”

To help or best case, buzzkill this horrifying tradition, let me offer a few white elephant gift ideas to ensure the exchange is funly disturbing:

Donation on behalf of

Since many family members think Trump hung the moon and his impeachment was a Socialist Democrat coup and attack on democracy and America, give a gift contribution to the Committee to Reelect Pelosi or to terrorist Antifa.org (same thing).

As the liberal fake news people enemy New York Times fakely explains, “Charitable gifts can even be offensive, if the recipient takes issue with the cause involved or the organization handling the money.”

Giving to Pelosi will either get supportive claps or finger snaps from Socialist libs, or make MAGA uncles combust like a desiccated Christmas tree that’s still up on MLK Day. Classic win-win.

Classic tech

We all have iPhones and other Apple products from back in the golden, olden days of the 2010s that have been gathering dust because they can’t be updated or used in any modern capacity. Those classic 1G 2GB iPhones had way more computing power than the Apollo 11 moon landing craft or a 1986 Ford Taurus, but they were tiny and had earphone jacks. Winky fun!

Or if you love doing crafts, you can macramé your growing tumbleweed of obsolete computer wires into a waterproof sweater vest that’s sure to bring both hilarity and welcomed concern for your mental health.

KonMari castoffs

Whatever Mari Kondo and her Movement say you should discard because it doesn’t spark joy and replace with KonMari stuff that sparks a surge in joy, your garbage could be someone else’s glee. Let it be.

Imagine your giftee cousin acting repulsed upon receiving your stained and threadbare gym socks that Mari Kondo advised to toss, yet secretly the cousin was delighted because everyone always knew he was “different.”

“Hilarious” adult stuff

You can all ROFL at sick sex-themed gifts (there are over 20,000 websites to shop from with free delivery by Christmas Eve). Check out MarquiseDeSade.com that upstanding decent Republican Christians revile but ruin their families and fake lives to enjoy.

Actual white elephants

Be hilariously literal. Amazon.com has a variety of porcelain, stuffed, and jokey versions of white elephants, many made by “Orientals,” as your doddering aunt still calls any of the 1.6 billion people from the several East Asia nations.

To get even more literal, the courageous and famed rare species hunter Donald Trump, Jr., will heroically risk life and limb to kill and deliver one of the last eight white elephants in captivity.

Yet in the forgiving holiday spirit, let’s not make Christmas political with quips about how Master Trump’s father is the ultimate White Elephant.

“The term white elephant refers to an extravagant, but impractical, gift that cannot be easily disposed of,” Wikipedia says. “The phrase is said to come from the historic practice of the King of Siam (now Thailand) giving rare albino elephants to courtiers who had displeased him, so that they might be ruined by the animals’ upkeep costs.”

Maybe it’s me, but doesn’t that sound eerily like what Trump and his base have gifted to the responsible, respectable wing of the GOP? And to America? A classic Larry David present that’s a problem?

If so, during the Christmas white elephant exchange I will only laugh to myself about how Trump is the ultimate white elephant because, to paraphrase the old Christmas song, silent night=holy night.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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