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Leaf blowers don’t blow leaves — people do

A Washington, DC, city council member just reintroduced a bill to ban the sale or use of gas-powered leaf blowers.

This is just another case of how liberal elites and their socialist, regulation-loving Washington politicians just don’t get it.

In banning gas-powered leaf blowers, the elites are putting their lungs, ear drums and sensitivity to atomized airborne pet feces ahead of our basic rights as Americans to pristine lawns.

Free, law-abiding citizens have the right to protect their property against leaves in any way they choose. The rationale for safeguarding gas-powered leaf blowing freedom is pretty clear:

The slippery slope

Next thing you know, liberal government will be coming for our battery-powered leaf-blowers, then our Toro self-propelled lawn mowers and tractors, then our WeedWackers and edgers, and then eventually our rakes, hoes, stump-pullers and other outdoor implements. Until we have nothing left to defend our yards from tangled vermin-infested overgrowth and our freedom from tyranny.

There’s no such thing as a “gas-powered leaf-blower”

First of all, it’s not “gas-powered” until someone puts gas in it and yanks the starter cord 20 times until it starts. Otherwise, it’s just an innocent, inanimate object that’s hurting nobody.

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The term “gas-powered leaf blower” was manufactured by anti-blower liberals to foster confusion and gull the public into supporting bans, assuming most people don’t know the difference between a leaf blower and a rake.

As Oakley Moldspore, executive director of the Coalition of National Yardsmen, put it, “the term ‘gas-powered’ as used by the media is a media invention.”

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Let me explain this to our clueless snowflake liberals v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y so they understand: Gas-powered leaf blowers are pretty much just like rakes, except they have internal combustion engines that shoot out fast air. But both manage and arrange fallen leaves into piles.

Gas-powered leaf blowers may look like military-grade battlefield weapons, but they simply allow the user to blow away a lot of leaves more quickly and efficiently.

Thus, the proposed gas-powered leaf bans are misinformed and misguided overreactions by liberal crybabies when their concerns about the noise and pollution are better addressed with thoughts and prayers.

Banning gas-powered leaf-blowers won’t stop noise and air pollution

What’s next? Banning trucks including FedEx and UPS trucks over Christmas? Outlawing Tide Plus Febreze Freshness Spring & Renewal Scent when over the holidays with relatives and other guests coming we need it most?

The First Amendment protects freedom of leaf-blowing

It seems pretty clear the Founders gave us the right to voice our landscaping preferences as loud and proud as we choose.

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Mount Vernon, Monticello and other Founder homes had big yards with a lot of deciduous trees, and they were pretty well tended. No question their Original Intent envisioned a time when landscaping crews (who at the time were people they owned) could be more efficient and effective with gas-powered leaf blowers.

Plus, think about this: The U.S. Supreme Court decided in that money is protected speech if spent by corporations to influence elections. If money talks, then aren’t gas-powered leaf blowers just really really loud talk? And thus, even more protected than campaign money?

Yes, liberals will counter that gas-powered leaf blowers suppress free speech because nobody can talk over the din and the users wear noise-cancelling headphones.

But attorneys expert in convoluted legal logic from the GPLBA-ILA (Gas-Powered Leaf Blower Association-Institute for Legislative Action) are working tirelessly on rationalization needed by state and federal lawmakers purchased by the GPLBA America Political Victory Fund.

Lawn-care laws don’t work

Many strict homeowner associations ban lawn-mowing on Sunday mornings. But member homeowners do it anyway and then sue their HoAs for infringing their property rights.

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Lake Forest, Chicago, from Chicago.Curbed.Com

And look at Chicago! The wealthy, leafy North Shore communities hate gas-powered leaf blowers yet residents pay landscaping crews $10,000 a month to keep their yards clean.

Plus, leaf-blowing laws are already backfiring.

As WTTG Fox 5, the DC affiliate, reported, “A similar leaf blower ban was passed in Newton, Massachusetts earlier this year. However, since it was passed, it has sparked hundreds of noise complaints from residents and has put a strain on police.”

Enforce the lawn-care laws we have

Washington, D.C., for example, already has a city ordinance regulating leaf-blower noise — they can’t emit more than 70 decibels at a distance of 50 feet. But police need to respond to complaints by showing up with a decibel meter.

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Sure, the police are more focused on bigger issues including gun crimes caused by the flood of cheap weapons from lax U.S. gun laws.

But we need to enforce the gas-powered leaf blower laws we have before we adopt new ones!

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Point is, when it comes to leaves, people want to blow. The Constitution clearly protects the people’s right to blow.

Excuse the pun, but liberal regulations about how we manage our yards, our property, really blow.

I say, on behalf of everyone who cherishes the right to blow when and how we want, please “leaf” us alone.

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