The Guardian/Jim Lo Scalzo/EPA

Lines cut from Biden democracy speech

Too real?

Jeffrey Denny

As an erstwhile speechwriter by trade and masochism, I feel for President Joe Biden’s speechwriting team as they worked on his “Battle for the Soul of the Nation” speech.

They clearly suffered Faulkner’s Fiat: “In writing, you must kill your pretty things.”

In other words, while Biden kept some solid Trump and MAGA zingers, the most notable, quotable, re-tweetable lines didn’t survive the speech review process, aka, death by a thousand cuts. But a few were posted on the speechwriter message board, Blah. For a sample:

· C’mon, man. I can’t f*%@ing believe this grotesque, despicable, goddamned f*%@ing criminal bitch hasn’t stroked out yet, politically or medically.

· Let us pray: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, when in Christ’s sake will you finally rid us from this second coming of Lucifer? Both Republicans and Democrats are praying, give us this day something, anything, to keep him from befouling the midterms and, heaven forfend, winning the 2024 GOP nomination. You don’t have to smite him with something too serious. Maybe debilitating gout. This seems likely anyway since it’s the “disease of kings.” I’ll send White House thoughts and prayers.

· You know what his prison name will be? “Pumpkin Spice.” [Pause for laughter.] Or maybe “Monochrome.” [Pause for more laughter.] You know, the orange face with the orange jumpsuit? [Laughter builds.] Orange is the new orange! [Pause for rim shot.] Hey, people, this is the kind of smart humor that made Fox’s Greg Gutfeld number-one in late-night comedy! [Pause for crickets like from Gutfeld’s audience.]

· Growing up back in Scranton, I don’t need to tell ya, me and the boys knew how to respectfully treat these rich, elite, daddy-boy prep bullies like him. Let’s just say he would’ve taken a few courses from an institution of higher learning we called Knuckle University.

· Macho man wants to talk tough? He wants a fight? Ok, me and him. Madison Square Garden, center ring, mano a lardo.

· The first rule of Biden Fight Club is there is no Biden Fight Club. The second rule is you do not talk about Biden Fight Club. The third rule is when Pumpkin Spice yells stop, goes limp or taps out before the fight starts, which is guaranteed, he can’t whine that the fight was rigged or play victim of the Deep State. He has to shut the hell up and exile to Mar-a-Elba forever.

· Thomas Jefferson was both right and wrong. He was right that the people should govern themselves. He was wrong that the people are all smart enough to govern themselves.

· In that light, I’m proud to announce a $200 trillion education package to restore America’s competitiveness and stop the MAGA stupidity that’s dragging the country down. It’s clear that Americans who proudly call themselves MAGAs, and believe anything that Pumpkin Spice and his media say to sucker poor fools for money, are a few grades short of a grammar school diploma.

· The MAGAs are so lemming they proudly declare they’re smarter than anyone, especially highly trained and experienced medical scientists who try to save their lives. They rely on shady internet money-grubbers that feed their cognitive bias and motivated reasoning, what we used to call ignorance.

· The MAGA denial of Covid masking and vaxing, the climate disaster, the 2020 election, America’s racial history, LGBTQ+ rights and overall, reality, is hurting not only America, but also MAGAs, their communities, and their children. Bless their hearts, they don’t know any better. But even though the Republican Party put them in power to use them, MAGAs don’t get to make America worse.

· The MAGAs call themselves Christians while they disgrace Christ. They love the flag while they burn it with hate for their fellow Americans. They call themselves patriots while the United States Marines standing here have more patriotism in their toenail clippings than the chicken hawks sitting home yelling at Fox about the liberals. And yet MAGAs re-bleat from their leader and media against the military, that it’s “woke” or “weak” or part of the Deep State against their dear leader.

· I would never say that Tucker Carlson is the Joseph Goebbels of our time. While I duly respect his matchless abilities to wallow and preen in degradation for riches as he speaks for his bigoted nationalist regime and audience, diplomacy and decorum dictates that I leave it to others to judge him in spite of the obvious similarities to Goebbels.

· Am I being too hard on the MAGAs? Am I triggering them? They can dish it out but they can’t take it? To them I say, boo f*%@ing hoo, snowflakes. Boo f*%@ing hoo.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.