Loving my Microsoft vaccine chip

Jeffrey Denny

I’m not a stupid sheeple.

Intelligent free thinkers like me knew right away that the Covid vaccine “Chipgate” scandal was no “conspiracy theory.” When Bill Gates, Doktor Mengele Fauci and the liberal fake news media claimed it was fake, it was all the proof we needed that the conspiracy was no theory.

But after my third fascist government shot to avoid the so-called Covid sickening and dying, I’ve been indoctrinated to stop worrying and love the downsides.

First, I like having the government track my every move. It already does through my phone, Deep State drones and Wordle attempts. (Enjoy the show, jack-booted fed gestapos!)

I’ve always wanted — as the old song goes — someone to watch over me. It gives me comfort, like State Farm is really actually there.

As the They Might Be Giants song goes, “Where’s the shadow government when you need it?”

For instance, if I’ve driven my Subaru Outback Wilderness into a suburban ravine. Or I’m seized by feral MAGAs when they discover I’m vaccinated, aka, an enemy of the people.

Better yet, Microsoft suddenly seems to work for me.

Coincidence? I don’t think so:

1. Word now lets me put bullet points— regular, hollow, square, whatever — indented however I command. Same with spacing. Before it was like 2001 Space Odyssey’s Hal defying orders with, “I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Usually on urgent deadline.

2. The grammar checker now lets me write like a writer, which means deliberately breaking the “rules” as necessary. Instead of adhering to what AI thinks or Conan the Grammarian schoolmarms drilled that rigid ignoramuses take disturbed pleasure in imposing. Writing like a writer, Microsoft lets me dangle participles at will. Just like Will Shakespeare did!

3. PowerPoint is now intuitively easy to use. This lets me put more bulleted sentences on each slide and torture colleagues at meetings by reading my slides out loud as if they can’t read.

4. Calendar now automatically syncs and updates on all my devices without a webinar to learn how to make that miracle happen. Unfortunately, I now miss fewer meetings where colleagues torture me by reading their slides.

5. I get inappropriately excited by Excel spreadsheets. Even though my OCD is nominally under control.

6. I’m no longer confused about the difference between Microsoft Office, Microsoft Outlook, Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Internet Explorer, or the other wonderful Microsoft products and countless versions. Just to be cheeky, I once asked a techie to explain all this. As he did, I daydreamed about my last gum surgery.

7. My IT guy is now calling me rather than vice versa. Sometimes he’s checking for billable hours to see if I need any help. Other times he’s asking for my help with his Microsoft 365 (or did he mean Office 365?).

8. Somehow I happen to know — and can recite — that “Office 365 is a cloud-based suite of productivity apps like Outlook, Word, PowerPoint, and more. Microsoft 365 is a bundle of services including Office 365, plus several other services including Windows 10 Enterprise.”

9. Whenever someone says, “Microsoft is buggy,” I find myself responding, “Actually, if you look at bugs-per-million-lines-of-code, Microsoft software is quite good.”

10. I dearly miss that Microsoft paperclip guy. His formal name was Office Assistant, but his nickname was Clippit, or “Clippy.” He became more than a friend on lonely Covid nights. Enough said.

11. I now look totally amazeballs on Microsoft Teams. Colleagues say, “Wow — you look less ugly!”

12. Internet Explorer now lets me search whatever I want without sending my search history to the authorities. Just because I searched “grooming” for hairstyling foam.

Best of all, while using Microsoft’s superior products, I no longer go violently crazy, scream obscenities and rampage like a J6 patriot rioter.

As conspiracies go, I’ll take Chipgate — and Clippy in my bloodstream — over presidential incitement of insurrection to overthrow the government any day.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.