Lying for Dummies®
As seen on Fox
Jeffrey Denny
“This settlement reflects Fox’s continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards.”
Are you a shameless, irredeemable, pathological liar?
Let’s say your wife finds out you’ve been a no good cheating bastard all along.
To save the marriage, you should come clean, take your lumps, beg forgiveness, make amends, and promise a new righteous path, especially if you profess to love Jesus. Right?
WRONG!!!
That’s a loser move. Sad!
Your wife married you because she believed you’re a winner because you always said so.
She made you her #1 source of truth for 20 straight years.
She believed you were fair and balanced. Unlike mainstream men you said were all biased.
She adored you. She believed everything you said. She hated when liars used fake facts to call you a liar.
You always told her what she wanted to believe, even if you had to lie to make her happy.
Do you really want to admit you’re a complete pathological liar loser fraud?
NO.
What can you do?
Try Lying For Dummies®.
It’s different from most popular For Dummies manuals. It doesn’t teach dummies how to lie. It’s a simple guide for how to lie to dummies.
Lying for Dummies® was developed by successful GOP political scientists, consultants, politicians, and their official state media. Millionaire Fox News personalities never go on the air without it. They know it’s 100% effective against the cognitive-divergent who prefer hateful lies they love and suckers who don’t know a widget from a whangdoodle.
Lying for Dummies® doesn’t just relieve you of any nagging shame for lying to believers, including your loved ones.
It’ll make them love you even more!
For just the cost of a daily cup of coffee if it’s a Starbucks $5.25 Toasted Graham Latte, you can tell the most ridiculous bald-faced lies every hour of every day with bold confidence.
The foolhardy will not only swallow and defend your lies as gospel. They’ll even spread your lies to gullible friends, family and neighbors!
For a one-time free offer, try Lying for Dummies® against your betrayed wife:
J’accuse back
Turn the tables and say, “no you’re the lying liar!”
Didn’t she say in her wedding vows quoting the Bible, specifically 1 Corinthians, about how love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs?
Well, she’s clearly angry. And she’s certainly keeping records of your wrongs. She’s breaking her wedding vows!
Whatabout
Why is the tu quoque logical fallacy, aka, the Kellyanne Conway Diversion Technique®, so effective when it’s so ridiculously transparent that even she’s sneering? Because declaring that others are worse works wonders for the cognitively-divergent.
For instance, try, “Sweetheart, what about how our greatest President of the United States and world leader cheated a lot more than me?”
Mock
Adopt Fox’s legal defense of Tucker Carlson when he was sued for slander and say, “Any reasonable wife arrives with an appropriate amount of skepticism.”
Seize the high ground
Don’t just refuse to admit wrongdoing or apologize to reflect your continued commitment to the highest husband standards. Also borrowing from Fox, say, “I am hopeful that we can resolve this dispute amicably, instead of the acrimony of a divisive trial, so we can move forward from these issues.”
Cite your Constitutional rights
Specifically, declare that the First Amendment protects your right to lie. When your wife attacks you for lying, say she’s attacking free speech, which is the foundation of democracy.
Lying for Dummies® offers surefire ways to defeat anyone who trusts you so you can keep on lying even after you’re caught. Like a winner!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
