“If I Could Turn Back Time,” Cherworld.com

Managing your daylight savings

Jeffrey Denny

Truly remarkable.

Amid our historic partisan divisions, when our people’s Congress refuses to agree on even massage parlor rates because America hates compromise, agreement, unity, and actually making America greater, the U.S. Senate unanimously adopted the “Sunshine Protection Act” to make Daylight Saving Time permanent year-round.

As for achieving consensus on urgent Covid and climate relief, the federal budget, rebuilding our nation, helping poor families and children, and other critical legislation on behalf of the American people? Feh.

These important issues can’t hold a candle to ending the Long National Nightmare of changing our clocks twice a year. Which was first proposed by Benjamin Franklin to save candles and fight climate change.

Also according to the internet and what everyone is saying, the first time change 100 years ago was secretly imposed in the dark of winter’s 8 a.m. by the liberal Deep State Satanic pedophile cabal to make Freedom-Loving American Patriots even more groggy, sluggish and unable to overthrow the government let alone get out of bed.

In any case, if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her Socialist America-Hating Squad passes the Senate bill, America will finally be liberated from the semiannual mental, physical, emotional and metaphysical stress and disorientation that comes with warping the time-space continuum.

The benefits will be immeasurable.

No more painful toxic traumatic microaggression of changing the few remaining analog clocks or digital clocks the internet doesn’t automatically update.

No more digging out the 1995 microwave manual to reset the time.

Also gone will be the debilitating hassle of twisting the tiny dial on our old-fashioned wristwatches to avoid always being an hour early or late and both killing time and dying friendless.

Best of all, with Daylight Saving, we can even send our kids to school in the bitter cold pitch dark, trudging uphill through the driving snow and uphill back home again when it’s still dark. That way, our kids can learn pain, fear and resentment and grow up to write best-selling memoirs about their crappy childhood and make millions from the film adaptation and put us in the best retirement homes.

Frankly, I’ll miss the springing forward and falling back. Especially the latter. Not for the extra sleep, but because I loved torturing everyone in earshot with my stirring rendition of Cher’s, “If I Could Turn Back Time.”

But we’re here to talk about you and your daylight savings investment strategies.

Unless you’re doing Goth, authentically Draculating, or a basement dweller gaming, gambling on stocks, sports or bitcoin, or sending death threats from the dark web, you might be tempted to spend your extra daylight savings on outdoor evening frivolities.

These may include awkward mandatory company softball games, disgraceful pickleball, barbeques with family and neighbors who hate the person you become while grilling, or simply enjoying the crepuscular light pondering whether to join the Great Resignation and leverage your 25 TikTok followers who laugh not with but at you; doesn’t matter.

But with inflation boosting prices, the stock market in the Porta John, and bank savings rates still at near-record lows, why sock away anything for a rainy day, including sunshine?

Don’t — unless you follow these five daylight savings investment strategies.

1. Buy low, sell high

In other words, make hay while the sun shines.

For many golfing men, “make hay” means hitting the links because many swing like hay farmers tossing a pitchfork of hay. Under daylight savings, golfers can make hay even longer to avoid their families who hate them. Win-squared!

2. Diversify

Don’t invest all your after-work daylight savings in responding to mate’s incessant demands to take care of the house and yard lest authorities send new threats to condemn your property.

Once it gets dark out, nobody notices squalor. Until then, invest a share of your daylight savings in brewskis enjoyed out in the yard on your Dollar Store lawn chair that gets the sitting job done.

The short-term brewski returns may be greater than long-term implications for your marriage, but with enough brewskis, who cares?

3. Ignore the daily news

Never mind the stupid, educated and experienced experts on the news who think they’re smarter than real uneducated Americans being shepherded over the cliff by Fox News.

Ignore the stupid scientist warnings that because of intensifying climate change, the sun is going to kill humanity and also the U.S. economy, and stock and bond markets.

More daylight might kill us faster. But ignore the daily news and invest for the long term that we’re all going to die someday, whatever. Let the brewskis talk.

4. Invest in growth stocks

With more daylight happening, I’d go with top sunscreen makers offering SPF 5,000, which if you trowel on enough is basically an interplanetary superhero bodysuit.

For really smart investors, consider sunscreen makers that also offer moisturizing antioxidants, Vichy LiftActiv Peptide-C, matte effect, and ultra-mineral SkinCeutical julep. Nobody has any idea what these are but they’re marketing-tested so you can trust they’re effective.

5. Index invest

“Index investing is a passive investment strategy that seeks to replicate the returns of a benchmark index.” (Thanks Investopedia!) It basically means doing nothing, let the devil take the hindmost.

Fox News will tell you that’s exactly how President Joe Biden is handling the economy. You can believe it because Fox always tells the God’s honest truth free of partisan spin and everyone who watches Fox repeats whatever it says.

Don’t try to game the vicissitudes of the market or time. Index invest your daylight savings by grabbing a cooler of brewskis and your favorite lawn chair, and enjoy the even longer summer nights.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.