Memo to 2018 candidates: Nice guys finish last

  1. Say anything to win. Winning is the point, right? It’s ok to fight dirty, and go negative on opponents when they do it, and then call for unity. Say whatever riles people up. Trash things how they are. Promise something better. Don’t be specific. Details are boring anyway.
  2. Trash Washington. Don’t worry about the illogic of how you’ll do anything to be part of something horrible that you hate. Declare how you — and you alone — can fix Washington. When you get there, trash your colleagues who disagree with you. Do not deliberate, negotiate or collaborate. Then come home and trash Washington because nothing gets done there. Also, do everything to undermine government and then say government doesn’t work.
  3. Trash the media. You know the old Greener Rule, “Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel”? Change “never” to “always.” The public hates the media. How do we know? From the latest CNN, Washington Post/ABC, New York Times/CBS News and other media-sponsored polls. Trashing the media also gets you free publicity from the media, so book time on CNN and the networks, and flog the mainstream media to cover your press events. Call the media “fake news” unless the coverage slams your opponent, in which case, highlight the clips in your press packet and campaign ads.
  4. Be yourself. Unless you’re the decent, polite, respectful, god-fearing person with traditional values and manners your parents exemplified, taught or smacked into you. Park that high horse for now. Instead:
  5. Find your inner jerk. We all have a dark side. Set it free. If it’s too buried by genteel upbringing or anger management sessions, then channel the grandpa at the Thanksgiving table that blurts disgusting racist, sexist, homophobic slurs that cause awkward silence, tears or fights. Good manners are for elitist snowflakes. Say the terrible things you only mutter to yourself. It also helps to:
  6. Indulge your Twitter impulse. If you’re seething about something, don’t think twice: Feel it, type it, post it. People are offended? They can’t handle the truth.




A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.

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