My 2020 holiday letter
Dear [insert mail-merge mass-personalized name]:
Holiday greetings! Happy 2020 solstice winter seasonal tidings albeit with alarmingly balmy temperatures then sudden violent tornados, with hail the size of a Carl’s Jr. ½ lb. Guacamole Bacon Thickburger, instead of the usual peaceful debilitating 12-foot snows that our Northern States once welcomed. Thank God for fake climate change! LOL!
Wishing you “Merry Christmas,” not the liberal “Xmas,” as we fight the militant AOC Socialist Squad “progressives” to win The War Against Christmas for Jesus Christ Almighty and mega-church Evangelical Christian millionaire pastors, the pious flocks they fleece, and the other inexplicable Trump faithful, verily as the Bible commands.
By the way, when I mention Christmas hate, I don’t mean to dog-whistle Trumpers against the “Jews,” “Muslims,” “Buddhists,” the “alternatively spiritual,” “somatic therapists,” Reiki ASMR practitioners, or other God and Jesus haters. Trumpers don’t need a dog whistle to hate. Besides, I don’t even have a dog anymore!
Many blessings also to Christmas enemies such as godforsaken vegan atheists and their woolly-headed pescatarian agnostic cousins who — like independents and libertarians — need to make up their goddamned minds for Christ’s sake already lest they agonize in purgatory for eternity.
But I digress. I hope your 2020 was as happy, healthy, exciting and fulfilling as mine was!
Not to culturally misappropriate lest I be “canceled,” the Chinese (do the libs still let us call them Chinese?) once said, “May you live in interesting times.” This year certainly was “interesting”!
Did you know the Chinese meant this as both a blessing and a curse? Please don’t be triggered, my beloved liberal snowflakes: By “Chinese curse” I’m not talking about the “Wuhan Flu.” Or am I?! Major burn! Owned you! LOL!
This year also reminds us of the old saying, “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Unless you’re one of the 300,000 Americans and 1.6 million people worldwide not strengthened but killed by the “Wuhan” so far.
I don’t mean to LOL about the Covid. The Covid is not LOL whatsoever, as I learned the hard way from my Zoom comedy club open-mike bit that frankly didn’t kill in the comedic sense.
Of course I understand the Covid literally killed many family and friends, some whom may receive this Christmas letter posthumously. Please know you didn’t die in vain, alone. The Covid has killed countless Americans who trusted the best President of the United States that the Covid is a liberal hoax.
But it’s not their fault: The coastal liberal elite fake news mainstream media and so-called scientists that hate America and liberty have lied to us too many times to believe them, according to my far truthier media.
So how could anyone trust the mainstream media when it says the Covid is real and spreads easily and kills people so please wear an annoying fascist liberty-taking mask? Especially when we have frontline healthcare workers among our family and friends who are overwhelmed trying to save lives from the Covid?
I’m sending thoughts and prayers if you and/or a loved one suffered and/or died from the Covid, like in the gun liberty mass slaughtering of innocent people. You are true American patriotic heroes like Patrick Henry who said, “Give me liberty or give me death!”
Thankfully, 2020 wasn’t just about politics.
This year was about togetherness.
As Mae West said, “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!”
For example, hasn’t it been great staying home 24–7 for months with our beloved spouses or partners who also lost their jobs and the bank or landlord tried to kick you and your family out because you fell behind? While you needed to stay home because of the liberal Democrat hoax pandemic?
This year was about belief in a higher power.
God created the whole Covid pandemic thing, the Trump Covid-denial and human- and economy- and job-killing thing, and the George Floyd killing/BLM/Antifa Trump burning down our cities thing, and then the evil Democrat election fraud defeating our Best President Ever thing.
God was testing America’s patriotic faith as part of His Plan. While His Strategic Objectives remain mysterious, only Christmas haters going to Hell on a blithely discarded scooter question God.
Above all, this year was about love.
Like the undying love of America and our example of democracy to the world, as expressed by our 45th President, the Proud Boys and other MAGAs, the less proud Republican Party boys, the remaining Fox News die-hards, and the angry, militarily armed, barely literate Trumpy protestors who threaten public officials for doing their jobs defending the election and democracy.
I send this Christmas letter with all my love.
And I hope it doesn’t trigger anyone whether on the right or left or in the middle that also hates Trump. Christmas is a time to let go of hate and come together in peace, harmony and hope. Whether you’re a Christmas hater or hate a Christmas hater.
And please forgive if anything I’m saying here sounds insane. The Covid has made everyone insane, right? Maybe not permanently, LOL! Merry Christmas and happier New Year!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.