My post-Democracy checklist
Prepping for the Trumpocalypse
Jeffrey Denny
As the legendary cartoon character Snuffy Smith warned, time’s a-wastin’!
With the perfect storm of Democratic anxiety over Biden that feeds Trump polling, Trump’s high court declaring him above the law, and the GOP’s authoritarian/dystopian “Project 2025” outlawing freedoms, pundits left and right declare the end of democracy is nigh. What the left fears, the right cheers.
Ben Franklin wondered if we could keep our democratic republic. We’re coming on 250 years. Not too shabby. As the oldest continuous democracy on Earth and beacon of freedom for all humanity, we’ve had a pretty pretty pretty good run.
Before the second Trump Reich puts an end to that, I’m getting started on my to-list:
1. Delete my 500 Medium posts mocking Trump.
Also any disrespecting his sad MAGA mutton and the traditional family values conservatives who discard their superior values for money.
Sorry, my 27 Medium followers. You also should delete anything you clapped if you know what’s good for you.
2. Reserve an endless stay at Trump Reeducation Camp®.
Before it’s reserved for me. As Trump says, “It’s the best, better than China.”
While I’m waiting, I’ll strap into my Barcalounger and cheer all day and night at Fox News and its Official Trump Media wannabes.
My brain needed a good power-washing anyway. It’s clogged with Constitutional nonsense.
3. Take down my liberal flags.
Such as rainbow, BLM, Ukraine, Israeli and Palestinian, climate and “immigrants are welcome here.”
Proudly fly my American flag right-side up because Trump defeated the Democrat liberal Socialist communist infidel pedophile college-educated, fact-respecting, book-reading heretics like me.
4. Be for what’s happening.
Like the Vichy French in WWII. Then support the Trump resistance and escape to a neutral country to fight in exile like Rick Blaine and Capt. Louis Renault eventually did in “Casablanca.”
Before then my resistance compatriot and I will enjoy some witty repartee such as:
“What in heaven’s name brought you to Canada?”
“The hockey. I came to Canada for the hockey.”
“The hockey? What hockey? We’re in Canada.”
“I was misinformed.”
It’ll be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll agree the Stanley Cup belongs in Trump Country, Florida, when that climate hellscape freezes over.
5. Drive like an American.
Trade my 57 mpg hybrid Prius for a 12 mpg Dodge Mega Cab RAM 3500.
This will be perfect for scattering preening cyclists, defeating climate ninnies, and — with a trailer hitch — rounding up and carting immigrants back into Mexico. Even if they’re naturalized, whatever stupid libtard crap that means.
6. Move to Real America.
Where Real Americans voted overwhelmingly for Trump. Trip Advisor rates many as “Best Places in America for Existential Ennui.”
This is an urgent matter. My liberal elite East Coast urban home smack in the Deep State swamp of Washington DC will be the first place MAGA citizen militias roam to round up enemies of the state, like shooting fish in a barrel with an AR-15. Which many may enjoy.
But imagine standoffs between gun-toting white MAGA militias and gun-toting DC gangs. My money’s on tough-talk MAGAs chickening more than Purdue.
7. Learn to bow to authority.
Metaphorically, due to a herniated disk. I also can’t genuflect (creaky knees). Forget the curtsey—as a pretend real MAGA man, it would look too LGBTQ+. Same with the papal-style foot- or ring-kissing. Or washing Trump’s feet with my tears, drying them with my hair, and anointing them with ointment.
Have you seen ointment prices lately? La Prairie Skin Caviar Luxe Cream is $595 for just 50 ml, enough to last 3–4 months for most people but a lifetime for our President for Life given his tiny feet.
So instead of all that I’ll post salutes to Trump on Truth Social®, InstaTrump®, TrumpTok®, TrumpChat® and TrumpTube® for His Excellency. Demonstrating all due respect, of course. Such as raising the tall finger next to the index finger and saying I’m just being comically ironic to appeal to His Excellency’s refined sense of humor like I’m King Lear’s Fool.
Yet I refuse to heil though it may displease Herr Stephen Miller, Trumpsminister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda.
8. Find Jesus.
I’m told He’s been looking for me to save me from Trump’s wrath and hellfire for not believing in Trump.
Before Trump (BT), I exclaimed, “Jesus Christ, these goddamned evangelical Christian millionaires and their tapioca-brained cultist saps love Trump even though he stands for everything they stand against!”
After Trump (AT), I’ll exclaim while weeping, gnashing teeth, rending garments and speaking in tongue how I finally found Trump and live my life by WWTD.
I look forward to lying, stealing, cheating, abusing women and power, inciting division and destruction, declaring myself above the law, and enjoying the utter depths of every form of depravity. See you in heaven!
9. Find hate in my heart.
Love thy neighbor and fellow citizens is for losers. Rage and conflict are more fun. Posting anonymous hate, fighting words and death threats may be cowardly and even criminal, but it scratches our ugliest itches.
Unity, community, Obama and even Reagan and Bush hope, respecting differences, finding common ground, and compromising to pursue common causes is braunschweiger, cheap ground pig liver sausage. Uncivil war is the best reality show ever. Tonight on Fox.
10. Reassess family and friends.
Embrace all Trump lovers. Reject all Trump haters. Apologize to Trump lovers for being wrong. Tell Trump haters they can go to straight to everlasting torturous fiery hell like flying United, Southwest or any other airline. Especially to liberal cities.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
