My U.S. Open tennis predictions

Love, actually

Jeffrey Denny

Before this year’s winners at Flushing Meadow lift their Tiffany trophies, here’s my bet on what will ensue:

— A player whose last name ends with -vic, -vich, -dev, -ova, -ko, -ka, -na or any vowel will at least reach the Round of 16. Scientific research reveals a surprising connection between vowel endings and tennis skills. Which is why after decades of playing tennis, I still suck because only sometimes is Y a vowel.

— Sportswriters raised on baseball, basketball and football but forced by the dying, cost-cutting media to cover America’s top tennis tournament sitting in the best seats in the stadium for free with lavish buffets will focus more on any “scandals,” contretemps or political-cultural significance for social media hits than on the actual matches.

— Aging baseball, basketball and football fans will kvetch that tennis hasn’t been interesting since the eighties when McEnroe, Connors and Borg rocked mullets and tiny, junk-forward shorts.

— U.S. Open watchers will debate whether John or Patrick McEnroe are better commentators. This will evolve into discussions about John’s old anger issues and his marriages to Tatum O’Neal and punk rocker Patty Smyth. Followed by beery arguments about who — McEnroe or Nicholson — coined, “You cannot be serious!” and “You can’t handle the truth!” Followed by Googling and winner fist pumps.

— Millions of tennis lovers won’t admit they’ve never heard of some of today’s top ten tennis players such as Hurkacz, Humbert, Rune, Musetti, de Minaur, Krejcikova, Sakkari or Ostapenko. While millions of football lovers know the NFL’s worst tight ends (Muse, Pederson, Kampmoyer) and even the worst long snapper in history (arguably Phineleas Doderoff, ’53 Eagles).

— To avoid embarrassment, few tennis fans will try to pronounce Zhang Shuai, Tsitsipas or Auger-Aliassime. They’ll pronounce Pospisil as “popsickle.”

— Millions of soccer lovers — including globally woke elite Americans who lived or studied abroad, preen their passionate soccer fandom and nitpick Ted Lasso — won’t care a farthing about the U.S. Open. Even if they love sports where nothing much happens as a ball goes around for long enough to scroll your phone then suddenly the ball goes somewhere for an amazing winner and it’s really exciting even if you missed it. Soccer lovers also don’t get to drunkenly scream and riot at tennis tournaments except at the Australian Open.

— Nobody on the Australian U.S. Open tennis team who, despite 2.0 club-level skills, rigged the system to qualify and take the place of a 7.0 tournament-level pro. Then this Aussie — a college professor — proudly delivered a performance that was so awkward clumsy-cringy, winning zero points, that they appeared to mock the sport. And when criticized, the Aussie played victim of bullying and confusingly explained to the academically unenlightened that it was a winky post-modern commentary on tennis, sports, society and the media. And then signed with a talent agency to make millions from online infamy.

— Gen Z tech billionaires will try and fail not to humble boast how they have courtside boxes at all the tennis Slams and know all the players so whatever. Tennis is so Ohio mid skibidi. They’ll scroll their phones even during the exciting finals as they enslave and destroy humanity. Their Wall Street hedge fund venture capital billionaires sitting next to them will do the same.

— Normies who come from away suffering the Jersey Turnpike, GW or Queensboro bridges, Amtrak, United at LaGuardia, Ubers or the 7 to Flushing Meadow will sit so high away from Arthur Ashe center court that flight attendants will remind them to save themselves before their children when the oxygen bags drop. They’ll also need to watch the match on their phones unless they love what appear to be National Geographic videos of ants chasing a baby mealy bug.

— MAGAs flying Confederate flags who accidentally tune into the U.S. Open will be relieved the uppity Williams sisters aren’t there but instantly flip to One America News Network if top American stars Tiafoe, Shelton, Gauff, Keyes or Stephens, who happen to be Black, are playing. America First isn’t always. They’ll mutter something about DEI.

— Most players who don’t win will be gracious in defeat, failing to learn from a certain former top American political player who’s such a bad sport he trumps Brad Gilbert’s “Winning Ugly.”

— TV viewers will make close line calls from thousands of miles away and argue with the courtside electronic Hawk-Eye like a winning-ugly player who’s losing challenges to the computer hoping to disrupt their opponent’s momentum.

— Over-60 country club champs who try and fail to run down balls like a poopy Pamper toddler will yell at the world’s top players if they can’t reach a physics-defying Alcaraz drop shot.

— Unlike with favored college or pro sports teams, few tennis fans will declare “we won!” and sing “we are the champions!” and feel great while having nothing to do with the success of the players.

— Elite hosts of U.S. Open-watching parties who lived in Manhattan after college to work in law, financial or consulting firms before moving to Westchester to au-pair raise their kids in costly, competitive private schools will put out fun New York-themed charcutier boards. Delivered anywhere overnight from Zabars Online featuring to-die-for smoked salmon you can’t get anywhere else.

— Millions of snarky TikToks and memes will circulate from tennis lovers hating on Pickleball. Pickleball is lame, for losers. Pickleball is to tennis as Putt-Putt is to golf. Tennis is a highly athletic art form that takes years to reach midlevel play while an orangutan can join your Pickle foursome at a moment’s notice. Any sport named after a brined fruit posing as a vegetable — which many Picklers seem like — is not a sport. The explosive popularity of Pickleball signals the end of civilization and the dawn of the apocalypse.

— Millions of angry TikToks and memes will circulate hating on tennis players who hate on Pickleball. They’ll note that Picklers — many formerly sedentary — are just getting out there, having fun, socializing and getting healthy exercise. With every dink they’re addressing the nation’s healthcare, Medicare, budget and debt crises. Why do you hate people having fun? Are you a narcissist sociopath like a certain presidential candidate?

— Millions of snarky TikToks and memes will ensue from Pickleball-hating tennis lovers saying, yeah, getting out there, having fun, socializing and destroying civilization is exactly what people do at Trump rallies. And yeah, Picklers are lowering Medicare costs by exercising. Until they break a hip.

But for me, tennis is like love, actually: It’s complicated. At times hard to live with, but always hard to live without.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.