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Revolutionary new date site hacks old online love game

Cut to the chase with

Jeffrey Denny

Are you tired of the old dating-site routine?

You know: Clicking through pix of shirtless men and women preening with big fish or in tummy-suck bathroom selfies. Or the proud parents pictured with their children with faces whited-out so the kids look like Pennywise or The Joker. Or the scanned Polaroids from the early ‘80s before mullets were outlawed so only outlaws have mullets.

Maybe you laugh at profiles that say “I love to laugh,” which warn their dates better have killer comedy-club material. Or you reject profiles that say “no games” because you love Monopoly and Yahtzee. Or you struggle with ungrammatical, misspelled, incoherent, vaguely hostile messages and unintentionally hilarious smoovy irresistible come-on talk such as, “Hey,” “Yo” and “’Sup?” You respond with snark they won’t get because you love to laugh.

Most of all, you dread that Hateful First Date.

It’s stressful to prepare and then exhausting to present your ultimate best self for an hour, survivable because it’s only one drink. Or two hours if date decides to order food, slyly/not-slyly leveraging a drink into dinner. (Red flag! Deal breaker! Unless date is wicked cute and cut, even if dumb as a Ticonderoga #2 pencil eraser, such as Channing Tatum or Paris Hilton.)

We all know stress is a leading cause of high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, diabetes, alcoholism and complaining about stress.

But the risk of dying from online dating stress must be worth the $3 billion spent every year. You might meet someone with flaws you can accept and accepts your flaws that you lied about. Or you gave up, lowered the high standards your amazing self deserves to have, and decided to settle for Mr. or Ms. Meh because it’s less stressful than online dating.

After all, nobody’s perfect, right?


You CAN meet a great mate quicker, and lose the losers sooner, with the revolutionary new dating site,®.

FastForward is taking the online dating world by storm, blowing up the internet and dropping jaws, which is spiking calls to the National Weather Service, Comcast and maxillofacial specialists in temporomandibular disorders. The internet is so siked about FastForward that it’s pooping its pants, rioting in the streets, and checking into psychiatric wards over it.

The frenzy is due to the FastForward patented Four-Step Love Ladder®:

Step One:

Log on, upload your worst, i.e., most realistic pix, and pay a one-time $2,499. That sounds steep, but FastForward is guaranteed to speed the weeding process.

Step Two:

Take the patented FastForward test that establishes your personalized online “Dater Brand®.” This frees you from the stress of creating a profile, having basic writing skills, reflecting on and being sad about who you are, and lying about your exciting life.

Using fancy IT stuff like algorithms, data mining, AI, blockchain and machine learning, FastForward pigeonholes you into one of ten Dater Brands:

1. Happy Go Lucky you’re irresponsible, always late, and arrive at black-tie symphony in sweatshirt, Eddie Bauer trail pants and Allbirds. You’re proud of not having a car and caging rides, still have roommates, and are usually between jobs so you let dates pick up the check because he/she works harder and makes more.

2. Embittered Divorcee — you’re looking for a replacement spouse who’s great with kids and isn’t a useless clueless cheating loser asshole insensitive jerk like your ex- and all men.

3. Free Spirit Artist-Type — you have more cats than your lease permits, tatted friends, and want to stay mostly at date’s place because yours is a windowless, dank basement “studio” with a flattened futon circa 1993.

4. Fitness Freak — you humble-brag about your Iron Man triathlons or Century Cycling through the Mojave, so you’re fit and hence attractive but also insufferable.

5. Channing Tatum (or Paris Hilton) — you’ve humbly hidden your intellectual prowess behind a tragically sexy heart-throb facade for so long you can barely formulate a thought. You prove that “sexy” often isn’t.

6. Damaged Goods — as Bernie Taupin/Elton John put it, you have what’s called a “simple case of mummy-doesn’t-love-me-blues.” You’re subconsciously looking for someone who reminds you of your critical mom or distant dad to win over and/or act out against.

7. Better Alone — you’re a Myers-Briggs INTP, hate small talk, and don’t want to date, so you’ll make any first date painful. Especially because your food allergies and specific preferences make ordering together as fun as periodontal surgery. Moreover, you’re a fussy, demanding Highly Sensitive Person who can’t abide how people laugh, chew, breathe or generally behave as humans, but you demand to be celebrated for who you are.

8. Political nut job — like in “Sleepless in Seattle,” you’re the sanctimonious Greg Kinnear who cared more about politics than loving up his cute, sweet, smart, independent bookstore-owning Meg Ryan with a nice Manhattan apartment. So Kinnear lost Ryan to Tom Hanks (but who could compete with aw-shucks American Hero Mr. Tom Hanks?)

9. Online Dating Hater — you’re paying Match $19.99/month because friends and family are bugging you, much like you’re paying a gym $19.99/month because your doctor is bugging you. But you’d rather be a lonely slug than go on dates or to the gym.

10. Normal person — you’re a Pangolin, Seneca White Deer, Elephant Shrew, Ti-Liger, Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat, Yangtze Finless Porpoise, Vaquita or Saola, the rarest species on Earth and dating sites.

Having a FastForward certified Dater Brand makes the first date easier.

Everyone knows what they’re getting, like ordering a Quarter Pounder with Cheese whether in the USA or Yangshuo, Guangzi Province, China.

There’s no need for the dating Kabuki Dance, “a mixture of mime, acting and vocal performance along with extravagant costumes and makeup,” as the internet describes Kabuki. Or asking meaningful questions and power-listening with eye contact to learn about each other while suppressing yawns, eye rolls and escape fantasies.

Instead, FastForward moves you swiftly to:

Step Three:

Sleep together on the first date.

“What?! Ew!” I hear you saying, noting that many guys are online just to hook up for an ego-snack conquest instead of a lasting, loving, fulfilling relationship.

Hear me out. There’s no more efficient or effective way to get to know someone — really know them — than a joint session of congress. (What we call sex in Washington, DC.)

No, FastForward is not saying greet and get jiggy. Have a drink or two or six to lower inhibitions and standards. Then Uber back to the least worst of your places and convene the congress before the drinks wear off.

If congress adjourns without anyone fleeing, then relax in relief and oxytocin/serotonin bliss that acts as beer goggles. Order Grubhub dinner together — another effective relationship test — and talk about your lives, hopes, dreams, horrible dates and exes. Let the red flags fly.

Step Four:

Act like a couple. Use the bathroom together — one of you pees while the other brushes teeth while you’re talking about the restaurant. That’s the penultimate test of compatibility.

Then go to sleep together. That’s the ultimate test — does he snore, does she squirm, etc.

FastForward is all about “getting over the hump,” so to speak, efficiently and effectively.

So you can start working on your relationship instead of finding one.

Who has the time to f**k around with dating? FastForward says, let’s get it on.

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